


Helluva Bachelor

by mlavier



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, Drama, Drugs, Horses, Humor, M/M, Minigolf, Portals, a few cameos from helluva and hazbin characters not listed above, a few parts might be illustrated if i don't get too lazy, all rights belong to Voxflix™, book heist, dating show, dumb social hierarchy, minor Vox/Valentino, racism against imps, slight spoilers for the Spirit movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:40:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 51,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26929060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlavier/pseuds/mlavier
Summary: It had been half a year now since Stolas, Prince of Hell and Commander of 26 legions of demons, had divorced his wife. The giant castle he was living in had felt utterly lonely and empty these past few months.So, when Vox came to him with the idea for a dating show, the Prince enthusiastically agreed to the opportunity.
Relationships: Angel Dust/Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel), Blitzo/Stolas (Helluva Boss)
Comments: 261
Kudos: 702





	1. A TV-Show????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys will have as much fun reading this as I had writing it!!!
> 
> If you find any spelling errors, just pretend you didn't see them :)

~~~

"The numbers are in, Sir, and it's not looking good." Moxxie declared as he entered the break room. In his hands was a big pile of papers with red stamps all over them. "If we don't get some contracts soon, there won't be enough money to pay the office rent... The landlord said if we miss out on one more bill she'll-"

"Shut up nerd!" a potato chip came flying at Moxxie's head. 

"It's fucking lunch time, give us a break" Loona yelled from the couch. She, Blitzo and Millie were sitting in front of the old TV, munching on a family sized package of Chips, watching the news on VoxTV.

"Loony is right, put that paper crap away and come here. It's not like rent is due for another two weeks anyway" Blitzo called, and gestured for Moxxie to join them on the greasy couch. Sighing, the small imp put the papers away and squished himself onto the moldy torn cushions, between Millie and his Boss.

His wife immediately started massaging one of his horns "Aww don't pull that face Mox, I'm sure we're gonna be fine" she tried to reassure him.

"Not if we aren't getting any new customers honey" he grumbled, crossing his arms and turning towards Blitzo.

"If YOU could just stop spending money on random bullshit" he started, shoving an accusing finger into his Boss's face. "Maybe we'd even make a profit sometimes! But no, you just had to commision a statue of yourself for the meeting room didn't you?! I am so sick of this!!! Every ti-"

"I don't see how boosting company morale is a bad investment" Blitz cut in, placing one crumb covered hand over Moxxies mouth to shut him up. "And that beautiful statue was worth every penny! I wouldn't expect someone of your intelligence level to understand. 

However, I have also been thinking lately and you might actually be onto something. We really do need new customers." he agreed.

The boss jumped up from the couch with a dramatic swirl, knocking over the chips bowl in the process. He started pacing in front of the TV, mashing the food into the dirty carpet.

"Currently, there are more damn assassins in hell than sand on the fucking beach. So, we need to provide a service that makes us way more interesting! Something that's special compared to the rest of those stupid wannabe killers." His eyes lit up. "Listen gang, what if instead of murdering people in hell..."

He made a long dramatic pause, which was interrupted by Loona yawning on purpose. Then the imp spread out his arms and grinned like a cheshire cat.

"What if we start killing people in the living world!?"

He looked around, waiting for reactions from his employees. They weren't exactly sharing his excitement.

"Like on earth?" Loona asked, eyes still glued to her phone.

"Exactly!"

"But Boss," Millie said with a doubtful look "how are we going to get there? I've never heard of anyone going to the living realm. Is that even possible?"

Blitzo crossed his arms behind his back."Glad you asked Mills! You see, I've heard rumors from a very reliable source, about a grimoire that can open portals to the human world. All we have to do is get a hold of that magic book and Boom! Profit!" he finished, fistbumping himself.

"That actually sounds like a good idea for once" Moxxie chimed in, while picking up the empty bowl from the carpet. Then he turned to stare directly at his boss, eyes going narrow "but something tells me there is a catch."

Blitzo rubbed his neck and looked past his gang at the holes in the wallpaper."Weeelllll..." he murmured "we might have to... steal it.... from Prince Stolas."

"P-P-Prince Stolas?! C-Commander of 26 demon legions and the right H-Hand of Lucifer?"Moxxie sputtered. He stood up from the couch and started to turn even more red than usual. "Are you insane!? We are not going to steal from one of the most powerful demons in hell! That's gonna get all of us killed!!!"

Now very angry, the little imp charged at his boss. Luckily Millie managed to grab his tail just in time to hold him back and prevent casualties.

"But you were the one who said we should do something!!!" Blitzo stated, leaning forward into Moxxie's personal space. It only served to infuriate the small guy further.

"Yes, something that won't end up with our heads on spikes" he spat at his Boss, glaring daggers.

"Oh of course you're pussying out once things get a little difficult" Blitzo countered, followed by a dismissive hand gesture "and that's why _I'M_ the Boss"

"With all due respect Sir, which is none, you are the WORST AND IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF SELF PRESERVATION YOU ARE NOT GOING TO STEAL THIS FUCKING-"

"Hey, isn't that the dude?" Surprised, both Blitzo and Moxxie turned to look at Loona, who had interrupted their usual workplace fight.

"What?"

"That beanstalk over there" she said, pointing lazily at the TV. "Isn't that the guy you were just talking about?"

The imps turned their attention towards the old flickering screen, and sure enough, there was Stolas, sitting on a red couch together with Katie Killjoy.

~~~

"So your royal highness" the Tv hostess asked, blinking and clinking audibly with her sharp lashes "It's been six months now since you've divorced your wife. Tell us, how has life been since then?"

The prince sighed and crossed his ridiculously long legs. "To be completely honest Katie, it's been very, very boring. You know, such a big empty mansion gets lonely utterly fast."

Killjoy nodded in understanding, as if she too was living in an enormous empty castle. "So, that means no new relationships to gossip about yet?"

"Just the occasional fling here and there, but nothing meaningful. It's not easy to find someone new." Stolas revealed, shifting in his seat. 

Suddenly his whole demeanor changed. Eagerly he clasped his hands together. "Actually that's the exact reason why I am here today" he disclosed, thrilled with anticipation.

Killjoy leaned forward, the fake grin permanently etched into her face "Well then, your royal majesty, go right ahead with your big announcement, " she encouraged him, demonstratively waving her hand at the cameras.

The Prince beamed with excitement as he began to talk. "You see, it started with a delightful idea from my dear friend Vox. He came to me two weeks ago with a very interesting proposal."

He swiftly twisted his long neck towards Miss Killjoy "Say, have you ever heard of a human show called the Bachelor?" he asked, pushing back up the crowned hat that had slipped over his eyes.

"The dating show?" Katie inquired "Yes, I have heard of it. There is one person dating several others at once, and they get eliminated until only one of them is left. So you want to do something like this here in Hell?"

"Basically, that is the plan." the prince explained giddily, bouncing in his seat. "It is going to be called _Helluva Bachelor_. Starting next month, I will get to know some lovely suitors who will join me in my castle. There will be lots of fun dates to go on. Vox is in charge of planning all of this, so I will be just as surprised as everybody else of what is going to happen. I really, really do hope that during this time, I can find somebody who is right for me." he finished with a sigh, his dreamy gaze wandering off.

"Psh. True love in hell, now that's just crazy." Katie said dismissively.

Nonetheless she continued, looking at the card in her hand and reading out loud: "Dear Viewer, In case you are interested, here's how you can apply to participate in _Helluva Bachelor._ "

As she was talking, a banner of _www._ _helluvabachelor.hll_ rolled onto the screen, with little animated hearts jumping all around the web address. It looked super cheesy.

"Just go ahead and send us a short video introducing yourself, and we'll pick out the hottest-" she pretended to cough "I mean the most promising ones. Please keep your video below five minutes. VoxTV is not responsible if any of the submitted footage is released in a cringe compilation on VoxTube.” She turned back to look at Stolas "Is there anything you want to add, your Highness?” she asked, glancing up to the owl demon.

"Oh, I do" he chirped up "Recently I've developed a certain preference, so we will only be accepting male applicants, I'm afraid." the prince disclosed.

Next to him Killjoy visibly recoiled, giving Stolas an offended look. After a few seconds of quiet judgement she caught herself and whipped her head back towards the camera. "That will be all for today my fellow sinners". 

And with those words, the TV cut straight to an advertisement for Fizz Pop Cola.

~~~

"That's going to be interesting to watch." Millie concluded, as she turned off the TV. Only three of them were left. Loona had already taken off, stating that she had to take care of a 'poor helpless bottle of alcohol' at home.

"See, its going to be a suicide mission to steal this book, especially when there are so many people shooting a TV show at that mansion. Moxxie argued with his Boss, who was deep in thought. "It's plain stupid!"

Blitzo scratched the mark on his forehead, a sign that he was deriving a genius masterplan. At least that was what he told himself. Few moments later, a grin began to appear on his face, and he looked up at his coworker "Actually Moxxie, this might just be the perfect opportunity!"

The smaller imp put his head into his palms with an exasperated sigh.

"What the hell are you talking about this ti-Hey HEY where are you going?!" but before Moxxie finished the sentence, his Boss was already up and out the door.

Moments later he came back, with a video camera in hand. "Since you are a little dumb I'll explain this to you" he told Moxxie slowly, as if speaking to an deaf elderly imp.

"I" he pointed at himself, "am going to apply for this ridicculous shitshow." He slapped the roof of the TV. "It's basically a free ticket to get into that assholes castle and take the book right from under his nose!"

Then he directed his attention from a dumbfounded Moxxie to Millie. "Mills, you're gonna help me film this." he demanded.

"Right away Boss" she replied and took the camera off Blitzo's hands.

"Sir, No!" Moxxie tried one more time to talk sense into his Boss, but alas, he was unceremoniously shoved outside by his own wife.

"Sorry Sugar, but you can be a bit stubborn. I think it's worth a try" she said, having the decency to look at least a little bit sorry, as she closed the door right in front of him.

Groaning, Moxxie leaned against the wall and slowly slid down till he was sitting on the floor. Even for hell, this was a new level of bad. All of them were so careless! If anything went wrong with this stupid plan, they would most certainly be erased from existence.

"It's going to be ok." he muttered, trying to calm himself down. "It will be fine. No one in their right mind is going to pick this idiot anyways."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!!!


	2. holy shit it actually worked

"AHAHAHAHAH Oh my god, look at this idiot we picked out!"

Vox was laughing, in tears, after showing Stolas the tape of a very self assured imp. The guy had claimed to be an assassin, and proceeded to eat an entire package of tide pods in just under 5 minutes.

"I really do appreciate your help in all of this." Stolas said, massaging his temple, his hat sitting on the studio table next to him. "but I thought you were trying to help me find actual matches? I do not want to waste my time with something... like that" he grimaced and shook his hands at the screen where the imp named blotzo or something tried singing the WackDonalds jingle through his stuffed, foaming mouth.

"That's showbiz baby" The TV declared, solicingly patting the prince's shoulder. "This dude's whole stick is a friggin 'guarantee for entertainment! Absolute comedy gold!" he blew a chef's kiss with his fingers.

"But he's an imp-" Stolas began to intervene, only to be cut off by Vox 

"That's the most brilliant part!" the flatscreen declared, eyes going crazy wide. "He's gonna draw in lots and lots of views from lowborn scum like himself. You wouldn't believe how many of those good-for-nothings are actually able to afford a TV! We'll almost double our ad revenue!!!"

The Commander of 26 demon legions sat in the studio chair, arms crossed and his mouth a thin displeased line. "So I am guessing you are probably gonna want me to keep this nonsensical halfwit on the show for a while?" he asked grimly.

"Yeah, I'd be amazing for the ratings if you didn't kick this moron out till at least half time" Vox agreed.

Stolas thought for a while, certainly not pleased nor convinced with the points Vox had made. The TV noticed, and chimed in "Look, I know you wanna find somebody, and I promise you that's not gonna be an issue! There will be 11 other perfectly fine candidates for you to choose from!!" he assured him.

The Prince sighed. After all, the square headed sinner had always been a reliable friend. If not for him, none of this would be happening anyways. 

"I guess it is acceptable, as long as the other eleven you pick are actual proper candidates" Stolas resigned, accepting his fate. 

Then he paused. "Hold up a minute, didn't you tell me earlier there were going to be thirteen candidates? That doesn't add up."

The prince leaned forward, his beak only an inch away from the screen of the other. "There is something you are not telling me" he accused the TV.

Vox's face changed into a guilty expression under the red glow of the Prince's four eyes. "Ahaha um well it was supposed to be a surprise, but i might as well tell ya now" he sat up, straightening his collar. "I made a little deal with my boy Val, and he agreed to let Angel join in on the show."

The studio was quiet for a moment "Oh that is actually quite nice" Stolas chirped up "I have enjoyed his services a few times already" he admitted, wiggling his eyebrows.

"I thought so, that's why I suggested it to Val in the first place." Vox said, proudly patting himself on the chest.

Stolas started smirking. "Oh stop lying you bastard, you're just getting that spider on board for the views as well! He is hell's most famous porn star after all!"

Vox sighed being caught again "Okay okay fine, it's for the audience. I guess I should have asked you first" his look was pleading at Stolas to not make a fuss about this.

"Actually I do not mind, it will be fun to have him around!" the bird demon said.

The TV breathed a sigh of relief "Ok that's good then. Just don't start falling in love with him, there's 11 other guys for that and Valentino is going to want his cashmaker back."

"I will never understand how you can stand to associate with that rat bastard.” Stolas said, shaking his head and getting up from his seat. He still had some royal duties to attend. 

"Hey, no shittalking my BF!" Vox said, getting a little defensive. "Also, please try and remember that Angelcakes is off limits."

"I can't promise you that old friend, guess we will have to wait and see who I am going to pick" the Owl said with a wink, heading towards the exit.

In the doorway he stopped and turned around one last time. "Please do remember my preferences for the rest of the candidates" he said insistently.

"Yeah yeah, you want the tall and intelligent ones, no worries, I gotcha bro." Vox nodded, giving the Prince a thumbs up.

"And no small dicks" Stolas reminded him. The TV Demon sighed, rolling his eyes "...and no small dicks" he repeated.

**********************************

"It's on losers!" Blitzo shouted, kicking open his office door. "Just got a call from VoxTV, I'm in!!!"

Loona looked up from her computer at her adoptive dad, in total disbelief. "Don't tell me that bullshit actually worked. That audition tape was horrible."

"Now, now Loony, my artsy video making isn't for everyone."

"You just swallowed an entire package of tide pods" she said, with a disgusted expression.

"And it worked, didn't it?" Blitzo continued, shrugging his shoulders. He pulled out a note with the mansions address on it. "They told me to show up to that ridiculous large villa on the first of next month, with 'presentable clothing' and all that jizz." he stated.

The door to the corpse room opened, and out came Millie and Moxxie, covered in protective gear, pulling behind a large body bag with a hand sticking out of it. "What did we miss?" Millie asked, as she took off the blood sprinkled glasses.

"Plan steal the book is a go, I got accepted for the dumb show!" Blitzo repeated proudly.

"Oh wonderful!" she cheered, wiping an intestine off her front "So what are we gonna do next?"

**THUMP!!!**

All of them turned around to look at Moxxie, who had suddenly collapsed on the floor.

"Oh dear" Millie sighed. "He has been worried so much about your plan lately, I guess you just knocked him out boss" 

Said Boss dismissively waved his hand "Just leave him there, he'll get back up eventually." He signaled for the other two to follow him into the conference room.

"Come on gang, it's time to work on the finer details of our plan."

  
  


~~~

They took a seat at the head end of their way too big meeting table, and Blitzo started scribbling on the whiteboard and humming the Mission Impossible theme. A few minutes passed.

"Alright folks'' he began, after finishing an elaborate mind map. "I've been thinking of how we're going to get the grimoire out without anyone noticing." 

He tapped onto his own name, written in blue marker "I'll obviously be the one going into the lion's den, or more like the birds nest." he followed a red line to a drawing of a crooked castle "I'll have to figure out where exactly they're keeping the book, and get past any security measures. Once I manage that, this will come into play" The imp pulled out a sleek black metal device, about the size of a tv remote.

"The fuck is that?" asked Loona, while picking at a hole in her chair's padding.

"This neat little thing" Blitz answered, twirling it around in his fingers "is a hand scanner. I'll smuggle it in with the rest of my things."

"So you want to scan the whole book." Millie observed, slapping her hand on the table "so that we can just make copies. That's awesome!!! We won't even have to steal it."

"I'm afraid it's not gonna be that simple Mills," Blitzo cut in "since according to my source the book itself is vital to the magic, not only what's written in it." 

He circled a doodle of two books. "We'll be using the scans to create a perfect duplicate instead, to switch out with the actual one. That will give me enough time to be thrown out of the show before anyone notices.'' There was a little drawing of a stickman with horns and a tail being kicked by a boot. "Way less suspicious than if that book just went missing.”

"Now you" he turned and pointed enthusiastically towards Loona "are going to be our middleman. They said on the phone that every other week, there'll be a family visiting hour. You'll come by, smuggle in the fake book, and take home the real one. Going by your store theft record, that should be no problem for you." he finished, grinning proudly at his adopted daughter.

"Nothing easier than that" the hellhound smiled mischievously.

The door creaked open and a very pale looking Moxxie crept in and slumped onto the chair next to Millie. Tiredly, he mustered the colorful checkpoints on the whiteboard. 

"Perfect timing, now comes your part!" Blitzo announced, striding round the table to poke Moxxie's cheek. The small imp didn't have any fight left in him.

"Just tell me what to do and let's get this over with." he sighed.

"You and Mills are in charge of creating the fake grimoire." Blitz explained, walking back to the head end of the meeting table." Once I get my hands on the original, I'll send you pictures and the scanned pages. Then you guys will shop for a fitting cover and paper and assemble all that shit. Maybe skim some yard sales for the right stuff." he suggested "ya know, just make it look authentic. I already went ahead and put a tutorial tape about book binding on your couch table yesterday, you're welcome."

"So that's where that thing came from" Moxxie muttered.

"We're gonna do our best, boss!" Millie beamed next to her husband.

"Thank you Mills" Blitzo smiled at his most energetic employee.

"Just one more question, where exactly does a horse come to play in your plan?" she asked, pointing at the crudely drawn pony on the whiteboard.

"Oh that's not actually a part of the plan, I just felt like drawing one." Blitzo stated, and promptly turned around, pen still in hand, to add some more horses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: I watched the entire first season of 'Finding Prince Charming' to steal the show structure for this fanfic :P


	3. meet cute

"So your Highness, are you ready to meet all your new suitors?"

Vox asked. They were in front of a camera, sitting in plush purple armchairs facing each other. A smaller sitting lounge of the mansion had been repurposed to an 'interview room'.

Stolas was dressed in a suit instead of his usual royal get up, twirling some of his feathers in his talons.

"Obviously I am a little nervous." the prince admitted. "But I am also simply dying to see all the fine gentlemen you picked out for me. It's not everyday I get so many lovely visitors here" he smiled eagerly.

"Well, you won't have to wait much longer" The TV winked at Stolas, then turned around to shout directly into the camera. "Hello to all you fuckers watching from home, and welcome to Helluva Bachelor, Hells first royal dating show!"

"Now you might be wondering how this will go down." he started explaining. "Today our Prince will meet all of the candidates for the first time, so we have prepared a nice little greeting ceremony. There's gonna be champagne, music aaaaand-" the tv demon leaned towards the audience, shooting up one eyebrow "A little twist." next to him, Stolas started snickering.

"Of course, our Bachelor wants to get a good first impression of everyone." the TV explained "So, to get a true picture of all of them, Stolas is going to disguise as one of his own suitors tonight. He'll be mingling alongside them and get an unfiltered impression."

On cue, The Owl demon snapped his fingers. With faint glow, a wave of red magic washed over him, distorting his lean physical form. His eyes turned pitch black, the second pair of them completely disappearing. his fingers grew longer and wider at the tips, and blue-greyish feathers morphed into a smooth, green glistening membrane.

"I think I make a good frog demon." the prince declared, his voice also sounding different. Instead of the usual deep nasal tone it was now a high pitched quack.

Vox mustered his counterpart up and down, clearly impressed with the transformation. 

"Alright then" he said, jumping up from his seat and motioning to his now amphibian friend to follow him. "Let's not keep your future loverboys waiting any longer."

~~~

"It's your turn, Sir." A maroon feathered butler poked his head into the room Blitzo was waiting in.

"About fucking time" the imp grumbled, and followed the bird. He was led through pompous, way too over decorated hallways, to a ridiculous, excessively engraved terrace door, which showed an outside patio behind its stained glass windows.

"Please put on your nametag" the servant said, handing him a sticker, and holy shit, it had a rim made of actual gold. Blitzo made a mental note for later to definitely keep that dumb pricey piece of paper. He peeled off the paper on the stickers back and planted it onto his chest, not noticing that it was upside down. The butler raised up a hand, as if to tell the imp about his mistake, but changed his mind halfway through. Instead he gestured to the door "Whenever you're ready, Monsieur."

With a bit of a struggle Blitzo pushed open the massive glass door, walking out onto an incredibly flashy white wooded terrace, breathing in the evening air which was tainted by hellfumes. In the back, a band was playing a jazzy tune, though Blitzo could barely see them behind all cameras surrounding the area. While always an attention whore, even he thought that was somewhat of an overkill.

Next he noticed that there were three other contestants already waiting. All of them were staring at him as if they'd just seen an extermination angel. Not put off by that in the slightest, the imp strutted right over into their direction. "How's it going fellas?" he asked, leaning against a pillar.

He mustered the competition, realizing each of their outfits were worth more than his entire company. Stupid rich bastards.

"Hrmph" was all that a fat bear demon had to say, as he demonstratively walked away to the opposite end of the terrace. Rude.

"Uhm hello" greeted a buff, brown spotted cat demon, who was named Clyde according to his gold sticker. The lynx was sitting cross legged on a pillow on the floor. He was so tall, that he had to look down at Blitzo standing next to him. 

"To be honest i didn't expect to see an imp here." he stated. Before said imp had the chance to come up with a witty retort, a waiter waved a silver tablet full of champagne flutes right in front of his face.

"Would anybody like a glass of-" the servant started asking, but was promptly interrupted by Blitzo yanking the entire tablet out of his hand.

"Finally some alcohol" the imp cheered and immediately downed one of the champagne glasses. Then he offered the drinks to Clyde and the green frog demon next to him, who hadn't said anything yet. After quietly mustering him for a moment, the frog took one of the flutes.

"Again" Clyde continued "I can't believe they'd pick an imp for this. You look so out of place here. Like, it's waaay out of your League." 

"Well, maybe you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, ya idiot" Blitzo said, sticking out his tongue at the other. 

"D-did you just call me an idiot?" the lynx sputtered, visibly upset. 

"For being superficial? yeah I did." the imp clarified, downing another champagne glass.

Clyde started rubbing his eyes and sniffling, which was not the reaction Blitzo had expected. "Are you crying?" he asked in disbelief." 

"N-no" the lynx sobbed, and before Blitzo could say anything else the other demon had already stood up and quickly walked away, joining the bear on the other side of the patio.

Dumbfounded, the imp stood there looking after him and wondering how he was going to spend the next few weeks with idiots like that and not go crazy. The sooner he found the book, the better.

"What a charming conversation" the frog spoke up, shaking the champagne flute in his hand. "You really have a way with words" he added sarcastically.

"Oh so you can actually talk." Blitzo responded, looking at the green guys name tag. It read 'Tolass'. For some reason the name seemed familiar. "I was beginning to think you were mute or something." He put down the stolen tray and sat down on the now empty pillow, next to the amphibian.

Then he observed as the frog tried to sip at his drink with his long tongue. For some reason the dude looked like a five year old child that'd never held a cup before. The imp couldn't help but laugh.

"Yes yes, very amusing." the frog pouted, and with a defeated sigh, gave up and put his glass to the side.

Then he leaned forward, looking at the sticker on Blitzo's old patched suit. "So, tell me Bi- Bl-, Bletz-'' he turned his head around at a very unnatural angle, to read the nametag "Blitzo! Tell me Blitzo, what are your goals in life?"

"First off all, the O is silent." The imp corrected him immediately. "Also what kind of question is that?" He gave the frog a confused look. "Do ya want me to print you out my resume or something?"

The frog started chuckling at that "I am merely trying to make smalltalk" he assured the imp "though it seems I'm not very good at it."

"Yeah, you'd make better smalltalk asking for my credit card number." Blitzo retorted.

"HA, as if YOU own a credit card!" Tolass said mockingly.

"Of course i do!" The imp countered, indignantly putting a hand to his chest and throwing back his head "What else would I use to clean under my fingernails!"

This had the frog snorting, which was a really weird sound. Something between a quack and a ...hoot?

The imp was about to pull out the credit card, which, of course, was totally legit. Definitely not just a HotHead Cafe bonus card that Blitzo had scribbled on, no Sir. Before he could do so though, the patio doors swung open, and in waltzed another competitor, drawing in everyone's attention.

"Hello Gentlemen! You all look simply ravishing today". It was an Incubus, who demonstratively spread out his bronze colored wings. He was dressed in a very skimpy suit, which left almost nothing to imagination. Next to Blitzo, the frog demon's eyes went wide.

"Please excuse me!" Tolass said, as he heisted himself up and went to talk to the new guy. The imp just shrugged and turned his attention back to the alcohol.

"More for me!" he said, grabbing the drink that his conversation partner had left, swallowing it in one go.

~~~

Okay, maybe downing a full glass of champagne everytime a new suitor arrived hadn't been the best of ideas. Blitzo thought, as he wobbly tried to get up, almost falling over. He glanced at the tray he had stolen from the waiter earlier. It was empty.

An hour, maybe two had passed since he'd walked out onto the patio. By now, there were thirteen guys chatting all around the place, and it had been quite some time since anyone new had shown up. It seemed as if all of the competition was present now, except of course for the main squeeze.

Can't be much longer till that royal prick finally shows up, Blitzo thought. Weird though, keeping his guests waiting like that didn't seem like a rich snobby bird thing to do. The imp had actually planned on meeting and talking to the bird tonight. After all, he would have to put in at least some effort to not be kicked off the show immediately. That was hard to do when the prince was nowhere to be seen.

Bored he watched the other guys, eyes lingering on the one and only Angel Dust, hells most famous Pornstar. He had made quite the entrance earlier, dressed in a gorgeous pink and white suit. Kicking open the doors, complete with confetti cannons, sound effects and a baby pig named fat nuggets for some reason. Blitzo could still hear his "Let's get this party started bitches!!!" ringing through the night.

As an imp of culture, he had of course enjoyed his fair share of Angels ' _movies_ ' over the years, with ' _Honey, I Blew Everyone_ ' being by far his favorite.

He started swaying into the direction of the spider. It wasnt everyday that you'd get the chance to meet your favorite porn actor.

~~~

"So, they really went ahead and actually inspected everyones dick size?" asked Angel, looking mildly impressed. Finn, the grey haired sloth demon he was talking to, nodded. "Absolutely, bruh" he answered, scratching his beard.

"They did what now?" 

The two turned around and looked down at their table. There was an imp, staring at them with a confused expression.

"Yeah they totally came over and, like, checked it out in person." The sloth elaborated, pointing at his groin. He shot a questioning glance towards Blitzo "Didn't they visit you as well?"

"Pretty sure I'd remember that" the imp said, raising one doubting eyebrow and crossing his arms.

"They didn't ask me either" the spider threw in, taking a sip of his drink.

"Pretty sure all of hell has seen your cock by now" the imp retorted with a smirk.

"Right you are!" Angel agreed, grinning and showing off his golden tooth "Our dear owl boi might even have had some first hand experience already" he continued, wiggling his eyebrows.

"How distasteful, to invite such a cheap whore, into such a noble building" came a lisping voice from the side. Blitzo glanced over and saw a black and yellow snake demon slithering towards them. He was sporting a tophat, and was being followed by two walking eggs. The eggs, which had numbers on their back, were wearing the same ugly striped suits as their boss.

"If it isn't mr Panty-hose" the spider grinned and waved. "How ya doin ya old fart?"

"I will not engage in conversation with the likes of you" the snake hissed back, his hat glaring at them with a judgemental expression. 

"Then why did you come over?" Finn asked, mustering the snake.

"To express my shock that lowlifes like you dare to date nobility" he said, pointing at all three of them. Angel Dust put on a theatrical shocked expression.

"It's disgusting, and frankly, I'll go and complain to management right after this little reception. Clearly they made an awful mistake by inv-"

Blitzo rolled his eyes and kicked one of the egg bois next to him. It flew surprisingly far, landing in the grass behind the wall of cameras with an audible **_crack_ **.

"Ooops." he said, blinking innocently at the victorian timey douche. Back at the table, Angel and the sloth were doubling over with laughter. The snake's eyes went wide, and he loudly breathed in and out, clearly enraged. He snapped downwards, baring his long yellow teeth inches from the imps face.

"Why you little gremlin, I ought to string you up and-" but what exactly he was planning to do, the world would never know, because he was interrupted again. This time by Vox strolling onto the terrace.

"Hey Guys!" Their TV-host called to them and signaled for everyone to gather around him "I see you fuckers have settled in nice and cozy, great. You're probably wondering what's taking our hot, single and ready to mingle Bachelor so long to show up tonight." 

A few of the suitors murmured in agreement.

"Bring him out already!" one Shark demon shouted. Vox smiled and tsked. "How very impatient. You will get to see him soon, gentlemen, no need to worry. But first, everybody please come and follow me"

~~~

He led them through the giant mansion, followed of course by a camera crew. They exited through the main door, stepping out onto the villas posh entrance. The stairs leading up to the palace had been decorated with golden bands and white roses, and at the bottom stood a lean table, which had a bouquet of feathers on it. Why the fuck would there be feathers?

The camera team shushed them around for a bit, till all of them were standing in two neat rows on the stairs. Blitzo was in the first row, which was good, because otherwise he wouldn't have been able to see a damn thing. All of the other contestants were at least three feet taller than him.

Once everybody was in place, Vox slendered to the bottom of the stairs, turning around and spreading out his arms. "Gentlemen," he announced jovially. "it is time for our first elimination round."

After a short moment of silence, the demons on the stairs looked at each other, confused. 

The moth demon standing left of Blitzo angrily shook his fist up in the air. "The fuck you mean!" he yelled, his antennae bobbing back and forth. "We didn't even see a glimpse of the Prince yet!!!" The others murmured agreeingly.

Vox Screen flickered to show a sly grin, clearly, he had been waiting for one of them to make that point. "That's true, you may haven't seen him yet" the TV said straightening his bowtie "But actually, he's been here this entire time."

Again, confusion spread in the row of contestants. Vox waved his hand at them. "Stolas, my dude, would you please come join me?"

Some of them gasped when suddenly, the lean, well dressed frog named Tolass stepped forward. He made his way down the stairs towards the show's host, with 13 shocked pairs of eyes following him.

With a quick flick of his wrist, red magic began to wash over him. Seconds later, instead of a frog there stood Prince Stolas, Commander of 26 legions of demons and right hand of Lucifer.

"Let me tell you my dear Vox, drinking champagne as a frog is no easy feat" The Prince lamented.

"Yeah I can see that" Vox snorted, pointing at a stain on the expensive jacket Stolas was wearing. "So, you got a good first impression of everyone?"

The royal bird turned around to look back up at his dumbstruck suitors. "I would say I've had quite an interesting and informative evening my friend" he answered.

"Oh crap" Blitzo whispered under his breath, realizing that he might have already blown his chance. Shit. So much for getting that stupid book.

"As announced, we're gonna finish this evening today with our first elimination round." Vox explained as he and Stolas walked over to the table with the feather bouquet. The TVhost lifted up the fancy vase containing the long trinkets.

"In this little glass here are 10 of Stolas very own feathers. He is going to hand them out to you, as a sign of his appreciation." he said, pulling out one of them and swishing it through the air. It was rather long and had a greyish blue color that almost went black towards the tip. 

"However, as there are 13 of you," he pointed the fluffy thing towards the candidates "the ones who do not receive one of Stolas quills are going home tonight." 

He turned back towards the Prince "You ready yet to make a decision, loverboy?"

His royal highness nodded "I think i have made up my mind." he said and took the vase out of Vox's hands.

~~~

Blitzo was waiting nervously on his spot on the stairs. At this point, the Prince had already called forward most of them, including Angel Dust, Finn the sloth and even that weirdo Sir Pentious. So far, each of them had received a feather.

The imp was definitely sweating now, as only two of the quills were left.

"Caspar, if you would please come to me."

The prince called down the next suitor, which turned out to be the moth next to Blitzo. Proudly the dude pushed out his fluffy chest and strutted forward.

"You seem quite confident," noted Stolas, once the other demon had reached him. 

"Of course I am, there is no way I am leaving tonight" the moth said grinning antennae to antennae. The Owl's mouth turned into a short thin line.

"I'm afraid that is where you are mistaken" he said, his red eyes narrowing. "I seem to recall you making some very crude comments about my daughter earlier tonight." 

Caspar laughed at that and dismissively waved his hand.

"Well if I'd known it was you I would have obviously never said these things" he said giving the owl his best slimy grin. "But let's be honest, kids are nothing but a burden. Why would you waste your time with that?"

The moth did not seem to notice the faint red glow that began to appear around Stolas. 

"I bet that chick of yours is constantly driving you up the wall. You'd be way better off without her." the insect stated boldly.

A crack went through the night air, followed by a scream. Where Caspar had stood, there was now a portal on the ground, flames flickering around it. Vox, who had quietly watched till now leaned over and looked into the hole. 

"Shit dude, Where did you send him?" he asked the Prince.

"To double hell" Stolas answered, a dark expression on his face. He snapped his fingers again and closed the Portal.

Blitzo stood there, glued to his spot. The royal had just erased a candidate out of existence, simply like that. He hadn't really considered the stupid aristocrate a threat before, but the way he was standing there, with a grim expression and magic cracking in the air around him gave the imp goosebumps. Shit, Moxxie might have been right about this for once. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he was kicked out now, cuz he really didn't wanna end up like that poor moth guy.

"Well that's one way to get rid of candidates you don't like" Vox shrugged, shoving aside some ash with his shoe. "But try to not do that to everyone, please" he said, giving the owl a pat on the shoulder.

"I might have overstepped a bit there." Stolas admitted, though he didn't seem very sorry about it. Rather quickly, he had gotten his composure back. The magic glow around him disappeared again. 

Looking at the remaining suitors, the Prince cleared his throat. "Next i would like to talk to Blitzo, please".

_Oh boy_ , the imps mind raced, a thousand thoughts a minute, as he climbed down the stairs. Surely the prince wasn't gonna off him as well???

Blitzo came to a halt in front of the Owl, who was easily twice his height. "Uhhhm hey" he began, nervously smiling and still somewhat scared by the fate of his competitor. "Nice magic there." he gestured to the ash ring on the floor "You do that often?"

"Occasionally, should the need arise" Stolas answered. He put a finger under his beak, thoughtfully mustering the smaller demon. "I am curious imp, you managed to almost single handedly empty my champagne stock tonight, why is that?"

Blitzos wondered, had he really drank _that_ much? He certainly had an affinity for alcohol, though he was no match for Loony.

"Had to pass the time somehow" Blitzo shrugged looking up at the royal bastard. "Was waiting for a rich hot bird prince to show up. Fucker took his sweet time though, " he finished, winking playfully at Stolas.

Surprised, the Owls eyebrows shot up at that. "I've never met an imp quite as bold as you" the Prince stated. He plucked one of the two remaining feathers, out of the vase and bent down. "Let us discuss your overabundant liquor consumption another time" he said, patting the breast pocket of the imps coat that he had just stuck the feather into.

~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there they are!!! I've never made up so many OCs before


	4. welcome to my crib!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for all the comments! I appreciate them a lot!

Blitzo was woken up by his phone ringing. Groaning and still half asleep, he fumbled over the nightstand with his hands, knocking down the expensive posh lamp on it before he got a hold of the electrical device.

The imp sat up in the giant satin covered bed, and looked at the screen. It was Millie, calling with a video chat.

"Good morning boss!" the giddy one greeted him, with her wide buck toothed smile. 

"Congrats on making it to the second round! We stayed at the office yesterday to watch the first broadcast. There were an awful lot of ad breaks. And then, when that moth guy got sent to the shadow realm, my poor mox actually fell off his chair" she giggled.

"I did not!" a voice from the background complained.

"Did too. You also squeaked like a little girl" Loona said as she walked into frame. "Hey Blitz" she waved at the screen. 

"Hey Loony" her dad greeted back enthusiastically. 

"How are you living in?" she asked. Instead of answering, Blitzo took his phone and made a slow 360 degree turnaround, showing them the fancy chamber he was in. There was a gaudy dresser, definetly way too large for imp size, as well as some stupid wacky expensive looking decor. The fancy tapestry had some framed portraits of royal family members hanging on it. 

"Luckily, they didn't stick me into a room with anybody else." he explained. "As you can see, everything here is way over the top, just look at this fucking massive bed." the imp turned the phone back onto himself, showing the luxurious bed with an armada of fancy embroidered pillows. 

On the other end of the line Loonas eyes went wide. "Damn, that tacky thing could fit all four of us" the hellhound whistled. "So like, do you have some fucker with a camera following you around at all times or what?" she asked. 

"Thankfully not, the camera crew is only around from 6am to midnight. They put a few cameras around the house for the rest of the time, but I'll figure out how to get around those" the imp said, while shoving the broken pieces of his night lamp under his bed. 

"Did you spot the book yet, Boss?" Millie asked. Blitzo tiredly rubbed his forehead. "Not yet" he told them. "But there's supposed to be a house tour later today. Perfect opportunity to look around without being suspicious." he continued, giving a thumbs up. 

"Just be careful Sir" Moxxie shouted from the off. "Because if you go to double hell, our company might just actually end up being profitable for once!" 

"Lov ya too Moxxie!" Blitz laughed. Then he demonstratively stretched, accompanied by a yawn. 

"Well, it's time to get up now, I have to find a grimoire and seduce a prince of hell after all. Smell you later guys" he finished, waving at his gang and ending the call. 

Then, instead of getting out of bed, he just sunk back into the wayyy too comfy sheets. "Just 5 more minutes" he mumbled into his pillow.

~~~

Quickly he sprinted around a corner, almost knocking over a showcase full of fragile, ancient looking Statues. After almost sleeping in, he had to run to arrive at the meeting point in time. It was in the main hall of the west wing, where all of the contestants were staying. The walls along the way sported some banners, curtains, and portraits of the Owls family, with the royal crest etched onto literally every possible surface. Geeez, how narcissistic can you get?

The other 9 guys were already waiting on the fancy seating arrangements in the middle of the room. Gasping for air, the imp came to a halt. As he leaned down, hands on his knees to catch his breath, a butler stepped forward. It was the maroon colored one, who had brought them to the greeting ceremony last night.

"Hello Gentlemen, my name is Camio." the well dressed servant introduced himself. "Glad to see you have all finally arrived." the bird continued, side eying the still wheezing imp. 

"His highness ordered me to be at your personal disposal. Should any of you require anything, I will be happy to help." he explained to them. 

"So you're gonna be, like, our personal butler?" asked Damien, the Incubus dressed in a crop top and glittering shorts. 

The feathered servant nodded, swiping some dust off his black uniform. "Yes, during the time of your stay I will be on call to serve you. Simply call my name and I'll be there in an instant" he smiled politely.

_Ohhhh_ Blitzo got delighted at that. Having someone to order around and do everything for him? That was the reason he'd become a boss in the first place. How far would he be able to mess with this fancy dressed schmuck? Maybe order him to bring him a single grape. Then eat it, and ask for another single one. Eat that one. Ask for another one. And another one. And another-

"Now, Gentlemen, if you would please follow me," Camio said, bowing to them, his uniform swishing behind him "Stolas is waiting for you in the entrance hall."

~~~

And so began the grand tour of the mansion, which, as Blitzo sadly had to realize, was even bigger than it had looked on from outside. Floors upon floors of some of the most unnecessary rooms he'd ever seen, connected together in a fancy ass maze. Why would anyone in their right mind need five fucking swimming pools?!

There were also at least ten study rooms, three libraries and a dozen reading rooms. Not to mention all the bed- and living rooms. So many possible places where the damn book could be! if Blitzo had any hair he would be pulling it out at this point. He didn't even have an exact idea of what the grimoire looked like! so he'd have to check every written piece of paper in this stupid humongus castle. Fuck, he'd also have to pay attention to the cameras hidden around the house and not getting kicked out before-"

"You're looking kind of troubled down there, imp" he was rudely torn out of his thoughts by the blue shark demon next to him. The guy's name, as Blitzo had learned yesterday, was Quentin.

"Just wondering how I'm gonna manage to not get lost in here" he answered. That was basically the truth, he was just leaving out a few details. The other demon gave him a disdainful look.

"You shouldn't worry too much about that. since you're the next one to go anyways." he stated, giving the imp a wide grin, threateningly showing off his sharp teeth. "I was honestly surprised you weren't already flying yesterday. Probably cheated your way in as your kind tends to do, you filthy scum!" he continued, and poked the imp in the shoulder.

Clearly he just wanted to start a fight, and while Blitzo was always up for a messy brawl, at the moment it wasn't a good idea.

Oh he would've loved to punch the guy in the dick. He had the perfect height for dick punching! But they were prancing around the castle with their ' _Prince Charming_ ', and two camera teams in tow, so Blitzo's Epic Revenge™ had to wait. It was supposed to be best served cold anyway, or however that saying went.

"We'll see about that." he retorted, giving Quentin his best customer service smile. The shark shot him a glare, but realized he wasn't getting anywhere with his antagonizing. He grunted and moved to the other end of the group, probably to start shit with someone else. Blitzo couldn't resist the temptation to stick out his tongue at the fin on Quentins back.

The group of Demons halted in front of a big golden rimmed double door, which managed to somehow look even more pretentious than all the ones they'd passed before.

"Now, we will not be going in here, but if you manage to catch my eye, you might just get to see what's behind those doors later on." Stolas giggled, but almost immediately his expression grew more serious. 

"These are my private quarters, and as of now, they are off limits. The same goes for the rest of this wing" he said, pointing his gloved arm along the rest of the hallway they were standing in.

"This area is reserved for only my family. I expect you all to respect that, because if I find anyone back here without my permission, you will be immediately let go. Do you understand?" he asked, looking each of his suitors dead in the eye. Obediently they all nodded. Well, everyone except for Angel Dust.

"Ya still got that showy painting of yourself, you know, where a bunch of angels are helping you dress? The one in your bedroom?" he asked the owl.

"I had it moved to my private study. But yes, it's still back here." the prince answered and raised one eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

The spider shot him a sly grin "Oh, I'd just like to take a closer look at it. You should show me some time" he flirted and blew a kiss at the prince. Stolas chuckled, a small blush on his face.

"Disssgusssting" Sir pentious was hissing quietly.

Blitzo was thinking again. So, an off limits area with a private study? That sounded awfully promising in regards to where the book might be. Ah shit. He'd probably have to find a way to get into those chambers. But, first, he was going to check the libraries. Maybe he was lucky and the grimoire would just be lying around in the open somewhere.

"I'm afraid that's the end of our little tour. I hope you enjoyed my humble abode!" The royal asshole announced, clasping together his gloved hands. "Apart from my quarters, you're welcome to explore everything here to your heart's content" Stolas encouraged them. 

"If you get lost, just call for Camio, he'll be quick to come to your aid. For now though, I'll be escorting you back." he said. 

Then the Prince accompanied his suitors back to the west wing, and joined them for a cup of expensive afternoon tea.

**********************************

Later in the evening, Stolas and Vox were sitting in the interview room again, to announce the plans for the next day to the audience. Octavia, the daughter of his royal highness, was also present, chilling lazily on one of the purple armchairs, reading a book.

"Hello Sinners and Hellborns alike!" Vox shouted at the cameras, enthusiastic as always.

"Today was more of a Welcome to my crib type of episode, but don't worry, we have something special planned for tomorrow!" he swooshed around in his chair to face his two guests.

"In light of our recent elimination, or should i say, moth extermination." The TV snickered "We deduced that Family is very important to our sexy Prince boi here." Stolas nodded approvingly at that. 

"So tomorrow we're gonna send all ten of our Contestants on a little shopping trip with his daughter Via over there." Vox explained, pointing to his left. The owl teen looked up from her literature, and very unenthusiastically waved her hand towards the audience. 

"Hey." was all she had to say, clearly annoyed they had dragged her in front of the camera.

"So Octavia, what are you planning to do with all those handsome men at your disposal tomorrow?" The TV demon asked.

"Probably the same thing as always when going to the mall" Via shrugged her shoulders as she put the book away. "Buy stuff and have fun. Get some ice cream. Talk trash of people walking by." then she got a devious smirk on her face "Maybe I'll make dad's suitors dress up for shits and giggles" she added.

"Oh I bet you will make them all look fabulous my dear!" Stolas threw in, gleefully smiling, obvious to his daughters mischievous intentions. Vox laughed at that.

"You can do whatever you want with them, little missie, and they'll have to suck it up." he explained for the audience. "Because, after spending all day with our desperate contestants tomorrow, Via will get to decide which ones she likes best." 

He turned his square head back to the owl teen, giving the camera his side profile, a slim black line with cables sticking out. "Via, you will get to pick 3 of the guys. Each of them will get a single date with your dad." 

"Oh joy" the teen said, rolling her eyes. "Nothing I'd rather do tomorrow" she added sarcastically.

"I trust her to choose well." Stolas chimed in, proudly beaming at his daughter. 

Via sighed at that, shaking her head. "I'll pick out the least annoying ones for you, dad" she said. 


	5. all the cheese

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those of you wondering how i'm updating every day, it's cuz the fanfic is already finished :D

Blitzo shielded his eyes as bright light hit him, when he stepped out of the black limousine. It had brought him and the other contestants to "The Tenth Circle", Hells largest shopping mall. Apparently they would be shopping with the royal asshole's daughter today.

_Fuckin great_ , the imp thought, rubbing his head, which didn't do much help his migraine. He had spent almost the entirety of last night skimming through one of the libraries, fruitlessly looking for a trace of that damn book. Found absolutely _nothing_. Six hours of sleep wasted.

"Outta the way scum!" Charles, the bear demon and Quentin the shark yelled as they pushed past, shoving Blitzo to the side. Surprised, the imp toppled over, landing face down in the dried up excuse of grass that was patchily growing in front of the mall. Ughhhh what a shit day.

Finn the sloth slowly swerfed over, mustering the defeated imp on the ground. "You alright dude?" he asked the face planted fellow. 

"Yeah yeah I'm fine." Blitz said as he climbed back up on his feet, and brushed some dust off his coat.

"Us imps get shit like that on a daily basis" he said, glaring at nothing in particular.

"Sucks maaaan" Finn said nodding in solidarity, and proceeded to take a bag of weed outta his pockets. 

"Wanna take your mind off of things?" he offered. 

Blitzo's eyes went wide. Oh he really wanted some of that... beautiful green stuff....But he couldn't... He'd have to keep his head in the game! ...Then again, a little bit wouldn't hurt.... just a drag... a tiny small amount..... 

He grinned up at the grey haired demon "alright you fucker, gimme some!"

~~~

Smoking that shit had been a very good idea, actually.

Blitzo felt way more relaxed than before. 

There hadn't even been any bad side effects. Well, except for that incident at the free cheese sample stand... 

But hey, there was no rule against eating all of that glorious rotten milk at once!

If not for the weed, he would've probably ended up just straight up murdering some of his co-contestants, the way those idiots were acting. After a little spat, one of them had ended up having a crying fit on the floor like a dumb toddler for like half an hour. Later, another guy needed first aid after stumbling into a sharp weapons layout, which included katanas, butterfly knives, a morningstar and some lego bricks. Ugh. What a total bunch of idiots. 

Their group was currently wandering from clothes store to clothes store, Via of course leading at the front. The owl teen wasn't the snobby brat Blitzo had expected. In fact, she reminded him a lot of his Loony. Very strong headed and not at all caring about the attempts of ass kissery some of the suitors were attempting. An admirable quality, really. 

She had even bought a dozen stupid light up hats earlier today. Every suitor who had tried to bribe or sweet talk her thus far was now wearing a cone of shame. Blitzo had managed to stay hat free till now. 

"Okay boys, time to go to my favorite store" the owl teen said, stopping in front of a big storefront, covered with dark drapes, spiderwebs and pentagrams. ' _Stylish Occult_ ' pranged in edgy letters at the top of the store. 

"Let's see if any of you have taste!" she proclaimed, waltzing through the glass door, 10 demons and a camera crew at her heels.

~~~

She had given each of them the task to pick out an outfit for her. 

Blitzo thought he might have an advantage here. He had been shopping at this particular store with Loona quite a few times. Then again, most of the time when he had suggested his adoptive daughter some clothes, she had laughed and called him a clown. Whatever, he would try his best!

He swept through rows of dresses and shirts, searching for something cool. The store had everything imaginable, from crop tops that were so short some might consider them a necklace, to boots with 20 inch heels and actual living fish demons in their soles. There were the wildest hats and coats, with holes for horns and spikes in every size, and socks made out of actual spider webs. The newest trend was apparently something called Crocz™, weird plastic shoes with lots of little holes in them.

Blitzo was just looking at some fancy black dress with zips and studs all over it, when he overheard Octavia and one of the other contestants talking through the row of clothes. Curious, the imp went to eavesdrop, and parted the line of shirts a tiny bit to see who was on the other side.

It turned out she was talking to Wilhelm, a smug, rich, green skinned bastard. He was a noble, being a part of the von Eldritch family, though definitely not as high ranking as Stolas or his daughter.

He and Octavia were currently looking at a few pairs of lace trimmed gloves.

"You know, my friend Helsa told me once that this brand was owned by someone in her family." the teen said, questioningly looking up at the demon in front of her. 

"That wouldn't happen to be you now, would it?" she wondered, leaning curiously forwards, arms crossed behind her back. 

The grinch gave her a self-assured smile "I didn't want to bring it up directly, your highness, but now that you mention it… Yes this is in fact my store." he waved his hand around "This one and all the other 665 of them spread around hell. I am quite honored that you consider it a favorite of yours." 

He put the gloves back onto the display "You're going to love our summer collection!" he cheered.

"Thing is," Via said, a finger beneath her beak in thought. "I've been designing clothes myself for some time now." she pointed to her star adorned dress and to her beanie with the crown emblem. "Like these!" she declared proudly.

"Impressive" Wilhelm whistled. 

Via continued "Sooo I've been thinking about bringing out my own clothes. What, if you would let me design some stuff for the autumn collection and I will get you that date with my dad?" she proposed with a cunning smile on her face, and held out her hand to strike a deal.

"That can certainly be arranged" the green fucker said, smugly throwing back his tentacle looking white hair. He reached out to shake and seal the deal.

"Ha, gotcha!" Via said, pulling back her hand and handing him one of the blinking hats instead. Wilhelm was surely surprised, he had not been expecting a trap from the teen. 

Then the suave bastard gracefully accepted the stupid hat. He put it on and immediately tipped it towards Octavia. "Well played my lady" he said, and walked away towards the shoes section. The teen shook her head after he had left.

"You can come out now, imp" she said next, turning towards the clothing rack Blitzo was hiding behind. 

Not at all embarrassed at being caught, Blitzo strut forwards to the owl. "Damn, you really turned the tables on him" he told her, gesturing into the directionvon Eldritch had gone.

Via sighed "That guy actually seems like a decent one compared to the others. I'll probably pick him for a date anyways." 

She rubbed her forehead. "With most of them it feels like I'm in charge of a kindergarten." the owl complained, ignoring the imp and starting to talk to herself.

"Everything is going fine, then, one day, out of the blue, dad is just like "Oh hey Via btw we're shooting a TV show and there'll be like 10 dudes living in the house with us!" The teen was ranting at this point, waving about with her hands in the air. 

"Now im here with them at the mall while they bicker like little bitches, act like they're each better than the other and cry over having to wear a stupid hat."

She turned her attention back towards Blitzo "You know what annoys me the most about all of them though?" she asked him.

The imp blinked, slightly intimidated by the ranting teen. "What?" he inquired.

"They're all taller than me!" Via said, throwing up her arms in frustration. The imp had to hold back a laugh at that. It was true, the owl was only like, a foot taller than Blitzo himself.

The teen continued on "Like, one of them might become my step dad eventually, and oh my god, I'll always be the smallest one in the family. It's not fair!" 

She tapped at the imps horns which reached up to her chin. "You get what I'm talking about, right?!" she asked him, a look of despair on her face.

Blitzo nodded reassuringly, understanding her frustration perfectly. "Yeah, I totally get it." he said. "Like every other week, I get a comment telling me I'm at perfect dick sucking height." he said, thinking for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. 

"But don't worry too much about it, princess. You know, my daughter Loony turned out way bigger than expected. She always bumps her head at the doorway. There's advantages to being small." he finished. 

"YOU have a daughter?" Via asked him, eyes wide with surprise. 

Slightly insulted, the imp put his gloved hands on his hips in protest. "Why the disbelief?" he asked the teen.

Via waved her hand, supporting her elbow with the other. "I dunno, you just don't seem the responsible type. You know, after single handedly eating an entire cart of cheese" she wildly waved her arm around.

Blitz groaned and rolled his eyes "Oh come on, they had a big sign that said _FREE_! Was I supposed to just ignore that?"

"Maybe you should have left some for the others?" the owl suggested, eyebrows raised high. 

"Welllll maybe," Blitz stated, crossing his arms and sticking out his forked tongue. "the others should have been faster."

**********************************

"Alright you fuckers, we're back on!" Vox shouted, dramatically sliding into the camera's view from the side. From the chairs on the other side, he got applause from Stolas and an exasperated sigh from Octavia.

"Today we had quite the interesting shopping trip. Funny hats, mayhem and of course drama all included. Now it's time to ask our girl of the day. Octavia, who did you like best?" he said handing the word over to the teen. She stood up and turned towards her dad.

"First off, I don't know where exactly Vox managed to find all those idiots, but I'm very sorry for you dad." she stated.

Her dad chuckled "Come on now Via, they're all nice gentlemen who want to get to know me."

"Well, they're certainly your problem now." she continued on. "So, my first pick for you will be Damien." she stated. A picture of the sexily dressed bronze Incubus was shown in the corner of the screen.

"He's been surprisingly sweet, and he also put together the amazing outfit I'm wearing right now." Via showed the camera the red dress, complete with a black bolero, a bird necklace and fingerless black gloves. 

Vox whistled and Stolas nodded appreciatively. "A good choice, I'm looking forward to getting to know him better." he said.

Then Via continued "My second choice will be Wilhelm von Eldritch, who btw was totally ready to accept my bribe." she declared, going through her hair with her hand. "I still choose him because I think he could be a good fit for my dad." the princess justified her selection. 

"Splendid my dear" his royal highness squawked happily. "I have already had some very nice conversations with him yesterday."

"And my final choice today," Via said, adding a dramatic pause. 

"...will be Blitzo" she announced. Silence spread across the room.

"The imp?" Stolas asked in disbelief, not looking very thrilled.

"Yes" Via nodded. "I like him, he's a witty one" she said, giving her dad a glance that told him she wasn't taking no for an answer.

"Alright then..." the prince accepted his fate, his mouth a thin line.

Vox slapped the armrest of his chair. "Ohoooo, so our three lucky ones have been chosen. But there are still some surprises left! Each suitor will get to randomly pick what date he and Stolas will go on, by drawing one of these notes" he said, holding up a glass bowl with lots of folded paper slips in it.

"Me and my part time boyfriend Valentino have been brainstorming ideas for the entire day." the TV explained. At the mention of the moth pimps name the Prince's face went sour. Vox pretended not to notice and continued. 

"There's quite a few interesting ones in there!" the TV said, wiggling his eyebrows. 

"I do hope you and that rat kept it pg13" Stolas cut in, giving the bowl a disapproving gaze.

"You'll have to wait till your dates to find out, buddy" Vox said, smirking. "Also, please don't call my boy a rat, only I get to do that." he continued, getting defensive.

"Didn't he smash your screen the last time you called him that?" Stolas asked, seeming worried. Vox made a cut throat motion towards the camera man.

"I think that will be enough for tonight. Same time tomorrow folks, se ya sorry asses again soon!" he quickly waved goodbye to the audience while Stolas shook his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohooooo theres gonna be a date next chapter!


	6. wohoooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some nsfw in this chapter, in case u need a warning

It had been 4 days since the Helluva Bachelor candidates had been staying at the mansion. So far, it hasn't burned down yet. That was surprising, considering the way some of the suitors were going at eachothers throats, particularly Quentin. The shark insulted everyone in sight, and minutes later acted like he was oh but best friends with anyone. Very annoying fellow, that one.

Blitzo mostly kept out of any social activities, to avoid drawing attention to himself, and spent most of his time searching for the grimoire. The past two days Stolas hadn't been around anyways, busy on his single dates with that Incubus and the Grinch.

Today was Blitzo's big day though, since for some reason Octavia had chosen him for a date with her dad. He'd been surprised to hear he was selected, but also glad because it meant he'd have ample opportunity to get into the Prince's good graces today. That had actually been his biggest concern thus far, to get kicked out before he could fulfill his plan. He would have to put some effort into seducing the royal prick today. Oh man, he'd rather have spent another day skimming through the old dusty libraries.

He was currently chilling in the pompous seating area of the west hall, together with Finn and Angel Dust. He had been getting along with them quite well, ever since he'd kicked out that eggboi to nirvana on their first night.

The spider was currently busy petting his pet pig, ironically named Fat Nuggets. He was also in the middle of telling a saucy story. 

"Okay so" he elaborated, holding up his open palms "I sat there, barbecue sauce on my tiddies..." That had Finn laughing so hard he slid from his seat onto the floor. Blitzo was also grinning widely.

"Hey, will you let me finish!" Angel complained side-eying the sloth. A snorting grunt was all he got for an answer. "So, I'm all covered in sauce, right, at the end of that weird food/sex orgy. Then Val pulls up in his ugly ass limo to pick me up." he paused, scratching Fat Nuggets behind the ear. 

"So get this, I go into the limo and immediately cuddle all over him, to get as much greasy shit as possible all over his new expensive designer coat." he snickered. "Totally ruined it. He's had it cleaned, but sometimes when he wears that one, you can still kinda smell the barbecue on it." the spider ended with a smirk. Blitz and Finn were cackling.

Suddenly Angel dusts expression darkened. "That asshole couldn't even take a joke" he elaborated, absentmindedly twirling a finger through Nuggets curled tail. "He put me on street duty for a month after that." the spider muttered.

"Sounds like an asshole." Blitzo stated.

"Agreed, that rat is absolutely awful" a royal voice cut in. Surprised, the trio turned around to see Stolas standing behind them. 

"How long have you been there dude?" Finn asked, still lying on the floor. The Prince adjusted his fancy coat collar. "I have just arrived gentlemen." He turned his crown-cylinder adorned head towards Blitzo. 

"If I am not mistaken, the two of us are going on a date today" he said, pulling out the glass bowl with tons of pre-decided date activities in it, from behind his back. He held it under Blitzo's nonexistent nose. "Go ahead and choose, imp" Stolas said.

Angel whistled through his fingers. "You gotta pick out something good." he said, fistbumping Blitzo into the side of his arm.

"Lets fucking go!" Blitz said, and started fishing in the bowl, digging trough to the very bottom with a concentrated face, tounge sticking out. 

"That's the one!" he proclaimed and pulled out one of the notes. He quickly folded it open, eyes going wide as he read its contents. Gulping he looked up towards the owl.

"Erm, looks like we're gonna have pole dancing lessons, at that Valentino dudes club." he summarized the content of the note, showing it to Stolas as proof.

After a short moment of disbelief, the Prince groaned and put his head in his hands. "I should have expected something like that. The rat is just trying to promote his own greasy establishment." he muttered through his fingers.

"So we're doing something else instead?" the imp asked, hopeful that maybe they'd just go out and have a fancy dinner or some other boring shit like that.

"No, I'm afraid we are going to have to do this." the prince said, pointing at the note. "Rules are rules after all" he sighed, defeated.

"I can give you two some pointers, if you'd like." Angel offered.

**********************************

"Hey what's up you handsomes! I'm Lizzie, your instructor for today!" They were greeted by a curvy yellow gecko lady. She was already up on the pole on the empty stage. Since it was daytime, Valentino's club was currently closed. But apparently it had still been necessary to switch on all the pink and purple headlights, which colored the whole establishment in a very suggestive lighting. 

"Great to have you two here today. I see you found the workout outfits we provided." she said, gesturing towards the owl and imp. They were both wearing tight hot pink shorts, with a big Valentino label on the side.

The Prince pulled a face that said he'd rather be anywhere else. Blitzo didn't seem to mind as much. At least they were allowed to wear pants.

"Awww cut out the frowny face, your highness, this is gonna be fun!" Lizzie said, twirling around the pole and signaling for them to come up and join her on the platform. With a sigh, Stolas stepped up onto the stage, Blitzo right behind him.

Elegantly the gecko slid down the metal rod towards her students. She hopped off and gave them a big smile. 

"So, do either of you two have any experience yet with pole dancing? Or something that is similar?" she asked them.

"I used to be in a circus, on the trapeze. Does that count?" the imp wondered. 

Lizzie giddily grasped her hands together "Sounds promising dear!"

She pointed at the pole "You wanna go first?"

"Sure." Blitzo said, trying to recall his past circus days as he walked towards the rod, which was reflecting the pink headlights. He grasped the metal with one hand and questioningly looked at their instructor. 

"First, I'd like you to grab the pole with both hands. Then just try and pull yourself up! Stabilize yourself with your legs and tail" she told him. 

Blitzo did, which was rather easy. It was nothing compared to the stunts he had pulled with his sisters in the circus ring years ago. 

"Hey, you're a natural!" the lady complimented him. "Now try and use your arms and tail to pull yourself up as far as possible!" She instructed next. The imp did as told, again with ease.

He was now looking down at Lizzie, the camera crew and his royal Stupidness from his vantage point on top of the pole.

"You know I'm quite flexible" he called at the prince, giving the royal asshole a wink. Then he began to twirl around the metal, just following his intuition. It was actually quite fun, just spinning around and exercising a little. 

Meanwhile on the ground Stolas was absolutely mesmerized, watching as Blitzo weaved himself around the pole.

_Oh_.... It was like he was actually really seeing the imp for the first time. 

The confidence and ease with which the little demon bent around the metal. How that slim spiked tail languishly swished around. The defiant tilt of those horns. That wicked smirk with the sharp yellow teeth. An artwork, with all the lovely white spots all over that red skin. And quite a significant bulge that the imp had in those tight fitting shorts. _Huh._ The owl gulped.

"Cat got your tongue?" Blitzo, now upside down on the pole, grinned down at his royal highness.

Stolas was suddenly very glad about the tight pants for pressing down everything, otherwise he'd definitely be sporting an erection right about now. 

He cleared his throat "You were certainly right about being flexible" he said, glad that his voice didn't betray him.

They were still on camera after all. Slobbering over an imp on TV simply would not do. But oh dear, he hadn't felt that horny for someone since, well, forever. He was unable to think about anything else at the moment. 

A picture of the imp, tangled between the royal sheets gripped his mind. Oh Satan, absolutely delightful, he thought, a small shiver running down his back. He wanted so badly for the imp to take him right here right now. Bend him over one of those greasy strip club tables and- NO! Forcefully the prince snapped himself out of his daydream. Now was not the time.

"Very good imp, you should think about a career here," Lizzie said, signaling for Blitzo to come back down. 

"Val is always lookin' for new dancers, you know" she suggested. The imp pulled a disgusted grimace as he slid down the metal rod.

"I'd rather choke on a shitload of needles, full offense" Blitzo declined, and hopped off the pole.

"Your turn" he said to the Prince, bowing in a mocking manner with that damn sexy smirk still on his face. 

"Very well" Stolas said, stepping up to the pole and trying to clear his thoughts. Deep breath. Concentration. How hard could this be anyways?

~~~

On their way back in the car, Stolas was groaning as he held an ice package to his ankle. He might've tried a bit too hard to impress the imp, having crashed off the pole and landed unfortunately on his foot. The lesson had been cut short after that.

Blitzo was sitting opposite of him, sipping on an iced coffee they'd gotten at a HotHead Cafe drive through earlier. They had originally stopped there for just the ice.

"You should've balanced your weight better" he stated, eyeing the injured leg. "You leaned that big head of yours way too far back, no wonder you crashed down like a sack of potatoes."

"Thank you for the advice Mr. Hindsight." The prince said, trying to straighten out some of his tail feathers, which had also been crooked during the fall. "You seem to suddenly be an expert on the subject" he added, a little salty.

"Acrobatics aren't for everyone. You're better off sticking to your books and stuff anyways." Blitzo stated, oh what very helpful advice.

"Speaking of books" Stolas began, looking up at the imp, who, for some reason, flinched a little at the word 'book'. 

"Camio found you sleeping in the library last night." Stolas said, giving him a questioning glance. 

Blitzo rubbed his neck and looked away. "Yeah i was checking out some of your books." he started to bullshit his way out of this "Y know, wanted to know what kind of things you like to read. You've got quite the collection. Especially that magic stuff you have is really impressive." the imp finished, turning back towards the owl.

Shit that might have been a bit too obvious. What if the bastard catched on to his plan?

"Oh" the prince smiled, seeming flattered. "That's nice of you" he said. Was that a blush on the royal assholes face?!? 

Blitzo leaned back in his seat, relaxed again. It looked like he had managed to tie the prick around his little finger somewhat, hopefully enough to make it to the next round.

"Cheers" he said, raising his iced coffee towards the owl. "Cheers" Stolas joined, raising up the ice pack since he didn't have a drink.

**********************************

Shortly after midnight there was a knock on the door of Blitzo's room. Hastily the imp packed away his selfmade castle map with sticky notes on it. 

"Come in!" he shouted, wondering who'd want something from him at this hour.

Camio stepped into his room and bowed. "Messere Blitzo, if you would please follow me." the butler said, not disclosing any further information. Curious, the imp got up and followed the well dressed servant.

They were walking through the halls, and Blitzo's heart sank as he realized which direction they were heading in. His fears came true when they stopped in front of the pompous golden door that led to Stolas quarters.

_Oh fuck,_ he thought, slowly panicking. The royal bastard had figured out his plan to steal the grimoire after all! Now he was just gonna off him in the middle of the night, while the camera team was away... shit! At this point, he should have started running away, but instead he was frozen in place.

Camio unceremoniously opened one of the fancy doors and shoved the imp inside, immediately closing it again behind him. Welp, now it was too late to run away.

Blitzo looked around. There were several giant portraits of the owl himself, ever looking so pompous. Three additional doors, two wooden ones and a glass stained one leading out onto a balcony. There was also a sleek gray couch, some bookshelves and a massive wardrobe. The centerpiece was a giant four-poster bed, framed by lush heavy curtains around it.

Aha, there was prince Stolas, dressed in a red robe, laying on his bed seductively. 

_Oh_... Well that wasn't what the imp had expected.

He stared in disbelief as the royal prick bent his index finger, as a sign for the imp to join him on the bed. 

"Come here Blitzy, don't be shy now~" he trilled.

It took a moment, but slowly the imp started walking towards the bed, feeling surreal. He'd meant to make an impression today, but really?! A welcome like this? Had the owl done that with his other two dates as well?

"Please forgive me for bothering you this late" Stolas said after Blitzo had propped himself on the bed next to him. He leaned towards his company, the red robe sliding off his feathered shoulders.

"Truth be told, I couldn't stop thinking about you all day" he said, playfully grabbing the imps tail between his talons, and slowly stroking it.

_'Great, guess I'll have to fuck that dude now'_ Blitz thought, internally resigning himself to his fate. Whatever, he might as well have some fun while he was here.

The imp shrugged off his coat, tossing it in a heap on the ground. "What did ya have in mind?" he asked the horny royal, giving him a seductive smirk. 

"A lot" Stolas answered, demonstratively spreading his legs. Aha, so he was really only wearing the robe and nothing else. Blitz quickly tossed off his gloves and boots, then settled right between those ridiculous long legs.

"I want you inside me tonight. Fuck me like you own me and fill me up with every last drop. I don't want to be able to walk tomorrow." the owl said, staring at him intensely. Wow, Blitzo hadn't expected that kind of dirty talk from the royal prick.

Before he had a chance to answer though, the prince had lounged forward, hooking his fingers in the hem of his pants. He swiftly pulled them down. 

"Ohoooo~" he trilled as he came face to face with the imps dick. 

"Amazed by my awesome cock?" Blitzo asked, smugly stemming his arms on his hips. 

"I certainly am" the owl said, looking up at the small demon. Then, again without warning, he took the entire length into his mouth. Apparently the guy didn't have a functioning gag reflex. 

The imp yelped a little, as a long slim tongue wound its way around his best part. He had to admit, the royal bastard knew what he was doing.

It didn't take long till he was fully hard. With a chuckle the owl pulled back, breaking off a string of salvia. "Now you my dear" he hooted at Blitzo, shrugging out of his robes and invitingly spreading his legs. 

The imp got to town, one hand on the Princes weirdly shaped prick and another one wandering down to the royal pucker. Which was already wet. 

"Did you fucking lube yourself up already?" he asked, as he shoved in one finger. 

Stolas leaned back and moaned "It's an a-advantage of my bird anatomy" the prince explained in bliss as blitzo worked his digits in. "You make me so wet we could open a swimming pool down there!"

From thereon out, as the imp was preparing him, Prince douche was talking without pause.

"I want you to climb me like a tree" "I'm going to drain your balls tonight" "bend me over and spank me, I’ve been a really naughty boy" "fuck me, daddy, I'm gonna scream your name all night" were some of the more harmless things the royal idiot was shouting. 

Annoyed by the princes constant chatting, the imp grabbed the feathered head and shoved it down into the pillows. Stolas trilled, excited by this development, and began rambling even more, which was thankfully muffled by the pillow. Blitzo leaned back, pulling his fingers out of the royal asshole, shaking his head, and taking in the sight.

He mustered the owl laying stomach down on the bed, raising his ass greedily. 

It was actually really hot how much this powerful prince of hell was just begging to be railed by him. 

Blitzo grabbed the tail feathers, which were swishing around in front of the prince's butt, and pinned them down on the side. Then he hoisted himself in position behind the owl.

"Hope you're ready, your royal horniness!" he announced, unceremoniously slamming his full length into the thirsty fucker. Immediately Stolas was howling, arching through his back and hands tightly gripping the sheets. 

Blitzo moved his hips back and forth, establishing a steady rhythm. The owl was also quite enthusiastic, bucking backwards like there was no tomorrow, accompanied by some delightful hoots. 

Finally, Blitzo thought, the fucker had stopped talking, except for the occasional 'Yes' or 'harder!'.

They kept going like this for a while, and Blitzo had to admit that damned royal bastard felt nice. Not that he'd ever say that out loud. As the imp felt his orgasm slowly building up, he pulled back out.

"Blitzyyy why did you stop?" the royal prick whined and twisted his neck at 180 degrees to face him. Oh god that was soooo creepy. 

Instead of answering, the imp went to grab the prince's long legs to flip the feathered bastard over on his back. 

As he tightened his fingers round the owls ankles, Stolas yowled loudly. Not in a good kind of way.

"Oh shit, your injury!" Blitz realized his mistake, a tad too late. Way to ruin the moment.

It was quiet for a few moments, as the prince sat up and rubbed his ankle. A quenched look was on his face. 

"It's fine, we can continue where we left off" he said, even though his eyes were a bit watery. 

"You sure?" Blitzo asked. He really didn't want to be accidentally wiped out of existence if he mistakenly hurt the bird again.

"Just try to grab a little higher" Stolas said, and before Blitzo could react, the prince had already placed his ridiculous long legs over both of the imps shoulders. 

"Now get to it boy, I'm an empty pastry craving a cream filling!" The prince demanded, and Blitz followed the order swiftly, slamming back into him as fast and hard as he could. Anything to replace that stupid talk with moans and gasps instead. 

There was also a loud banging sound from the bed hitting the wall, scratching up the expensive tapestry. None of them cared about that though.

~~~

Three rounds later, The imp tiredly rolled off of Stolas, trying to catch his breath. He could definitely skip his workout for the next two weeks. Next to him the prince had snuggled into the pillows, eyes closed with a sleepy, satisfied expression. 

After a few minutes of just lying there and inspecting the posh satin embroidered roof of the canopy bed, Blitzo heard a soft hooting noise from his bed neighbor. He realized the prince had fallen asleep, and the little noises were, in fact, snores. Kinda cute.

His gaze wandered over to the bookshelf opposite of the bed, as realization hit him. He was inside Stolas quarters! There would be no better opportunity to look around for that stupid grimoire. 

Quietly, as to not wake the royal prick, he got out of bed and inspected the books on the fancy looking shelf. To his disappointment, all of the literature were storebrand novels, among other things a signed collectors Edition of Fifty shades of Red. Eugh.

Next he looked into the door to the left side of the bed. It led to a massive, golden detailed bathroom. As posh as everything else in this stupid mansion. There was a giant tub, which could have fit the entire IMP Crew. But No books anywhere in sight. He got back out and went on through the last door.

Aha, so this one was definitely the private study. There were an abundance of plants and astronomical devices strewn about, which Blitzo didn't know the name of. 

On the wall, a giant ugly painting of Stolas, standing naked in a seashell while some Angels were offering him clothing. How kitschy. It was above a well used oak desk with numerous ink stains. Also, there was a whole shelf filled to the brim with ancient tomes, booklets and scrolls.

_Bingo_! Blitz thought, as he stepped up to the shelf. There even was a ladder, which he immediately climbed up. He read the dusty labels on the shelf boards. There was "Conjuring" "Charms" and "Chemistry". So they were sorted after the alphabet.

He moved a little further with the ladder. 

Stop! There it was, a section about portals. He pulled out the fanciest looking book and flipped it open. It was about opening portals to heaven. The imp shuddered. Why would anyone want to go there, when those fuckers sent exterminators to wipe out hells population each year? He put it back and took out the next one.

It had black leather binding, and golden ritual symbols were on its front, without any words. The imp opened the book and, lo and behold, the second page revealed its title to be "Accessing the mortal realm".

Apparently the book had been written by Stolas himself, which would explain why it was the only one of its kind. Curious, Blitzo flipped through its pages. There were instructions on how to set up a Portal. How to control its size and the duration. How to define the exit point in the living world. Hell, even how to make a one sided portal, all using this book to work the magic.

That was it, he'd found the grimoire!!! "Fuck yeah" the imp cheered quitly, throwing the book in the air in victory, almost letting it fall on the ground. Then he realized he'd have to come back here at least two times, once to scan the stupid thing and once more to swap it out.

"Ah shit" he cursed, while putting the prize back on the shelf and moving the ladder to the position it had been in before. He would need to elaborate his plan.

Then he catched a glimpse through the curtain covered window, there was a lightray falling in. 

Oh fuck it was already getting bright outside, he'd better hurry back towards the west wing before the camera team arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, if you guys wanna check out some of my art you can find me on twitter and tumblr under the name mlavier ;)


	7. minigolf!!!

His royal highness was very suddenly awakened by the sound of his bedroom door slamming open. In stepped none other than Lucifer himself.   


"Heya buddy, hate to bother you this early in the morning but I need your help today." the apple themed devil declared, striding towards his right hand, who was sleepily sitting up in bed. 

"That entitled two headed overlord is acting up by the east side of the pentagram." he explained. "We gotta take care of this before the other overlords get any stupid ideas. The last thing we need right now is a revolution" he said, patting the prince on the cheek. "So up with you!"  
  
  
The Owl yawned, then suddenly got a panicked look on his face and tuned to check his bedside. Thankfully it was empty, Blitzy nowhere to be seen. He didn't want to explain to Lucifer why he was bedding an imp, someone who the King of hell considered lowest of the low.   
  
  
"Give me twenty minutes to get up, I'll be right with you." he said gesturing, for his friend to wait outside. 

"I'll give you 15." Lucifer said, striding back out.  
  
  
Once the door was closed again, the prince got out of bed and limped towards his wardrobe, his ankle still hurting. "I wonder why he left already" he murmured to himself, thinking about his last night with Blitzo. 

The prince had thought once he'd had his fun with the imp, this weird obsession would stop, his desires finally satisfied. But alas, while last night had been devilishly delightful and fulfilling, the small horned demon was still on the forefront of his mind.  
  
He wanted to know more about him, about this bold little imp with his wickedly hot smile. Would he be up for some bondage? Did he prefer latex or leather? What was his favorite color? What was he even doing for a living? Did he have a family? And what was his favorite ice cream flavor?

Oh dear, it seemed this obsession had only gotten worse.  
  
"Hurry up Stolas, we've got shit to do!" Lucifer called to him through the door, shaking the royal out of his thoughts. 

"Just give me a minute please! I need to call Vox and change the plans for today!" the Prince yelled back, quickly putting on his pants. 

  
  
**********************************

  
  
"Since our feathery bachelor is gone today, and won't show up again till probably lunchtime tomorrow, my Voxy baby called me in as help for today." Valentino finished with a grin. He winked at Angel Dust, who just looked annoyed.   
  


They were gathered in the hall of the west wing again, the contestants listening to Vox and Valentino explaining the program. 

"So we're going out without Stolas today?" asked a nerdy looking suitor with glasses. He was a bird, like the prince, but his feathers were pure white, sticking out in all directions. He looked like a disheveled seagull. Blitzo couldn't remember the guy's name.

"Yes, no Stolas for today. But it's going to be fun anyways. We're going mini golfing!!!" Vox announced excitedly. "And the Winner gets a date with sexy bird boi tomorrow, so you all better try your best!"

Blitzo was thinking intensely, rubbing the mark on his forehead. So if the prince was out of the mansion till tomorrow that'd be the perfect opportunity to scan the grimoire tonight. He'd just have to find a way in and out of the study room without being seen.

"I got this one in the bag" Finn grinned next to Blitzo, and pulled at his joint. "Used to run one of these cash grabbers back when I was alive. The trick is how you swing the ball with a drift." he explained to the imp, who wasn't listening to any of it, still busy working out his masterplan.

~~~

A few hours later, they were in the middle of the golf course. It was hole nr. 15, and Clyde the lynx was currently trying to save his ball out of the obstacle human skull it had gotten stuck in. He was on the verge of tears by now, all of his muscles no help in getting out the little white piece of shit.

Vox was walking around with them, calculating their scores so nobody would be cheating. Most of them tried to anyway, of course. 

"C'mon Clyde, just leave the ball there and get a new one from the reception" the TV said, clearly annoyed, pressing hard on a spot on his flat-screen which led to his face flickering. 

"No I almost got it!" the lynx sobbed. He'd been trying for 10 minutes now.

"Please just let us continue on the next hole." Sir Pentious asked their show host, clearly at the end of his patience as well.

"That's what she said!" Angel laughed loudly, fistbumping Finn and Blitzo next to him.

"At least I'm doing this challenge by myself, and don't need any help from a sleazy ratbag!" the snake said, sticking out his forked tongue at the 3 of them. 

"If you want to, I can show you a few tricks as well" the sloth offered to Pentious, who tsked and slithered away to talk to von Eldritch instead.

As the scores went, so far Quentin the shark, who'd sabotaged the others at every turn, was in the lead. Contrary to minigolf rules on earth, in hell you were allowed to knock other peoples balls out. Which the shark seemed to have a natural talent for.

Very close by, at second place was Finn, unsurprisingly, he'd even managed 3 hole-in-ones by now. Angel, thanks to his friend's advice, followed a bit behind as third.

Blitzo was just entertaining himself by watching the whole mess, while not trying at all. After last night, he was pretty sure that there was no way he'd be kicked out anytime soon.

"Lets go you hot singles, filling holes is something you should be good at after all!" Valentino was shouting at them with a megaphone he'd gotten from somewhere, while lounging lazily on a nearby bench.

"Hey Val can you keep track of the scores for a second?" Vox asked, and shoved the clipboard and pencil into the moth's arms. "I'm going to get that idiot a new ball" he said, pointing at a very distressed Clyde who was still trying to pull out his golf ball, now with half of the camera team trying to help him. It still wasn't budging.

"Ugh fine" the moth said, immediately putting the scoreboard aside on the picnic table. 

"Otherwise we will still be here till tomorrow" the TV explained, and walked towards the reception.

Once he was out of sight, Valentino got up.

"Not gonna be a babysitter for a fucking piece of paper" he muttered, ignoring the clipbord and instead went to the cooler they brought along to fetch himself a drink.

It just so happened that moments later, a very bored Blitzo noticed the scoreboard, sitting on the table all by itself. He quickly sneaked over and looked around, but the others were all busy either trying to help Clyde or laughing at him. More of the latter, actually.

The imp glanced at the numbers, doing a quick calculation. Finn was only one point away from the greasy shark, and there were only 3 holes left to go. What a great opportunity for his Epic Revenge™ on that fucker.

Blitz chuckled, as he erased all of Quentins scores and put in the maximum number of strokes for each one. That'll show him. He also added some points to Charles and most of the others, just because.

Whistling innocently, he put the scoreboard back and walked over to the others again. Just in time to see Clyde and his helpers manage to actually rip the human skull out of the ground. Along with half of the golf course it was on. They had also knocked over some decorative candles in the process, which set fire to the dried up grass surrounding the place.

Vox, who had just returned with a new ball, cursed loudly "Can't even leave you dumbasses alone for FIVE MINUTES!"

~~~

"The Fuck you mean I'm in last place?!" Quentin complained, after Vox had read them the results out loud. "I've been excellent at this crap the whole time, and now you say this bullshit?!"

The shark turned around to the others, glaring his sharp teeth in a fake grin. "C'mon guys, you all saw how good I was." he asked them, begging for help.

Unsurprisingly, no one came to his defense. And why would they, after he worsened all of their scores intentionally. 

"Relax dude, you win some, you lose some" Finn said, walking up and solicingly patting the shark on the shoulder.

Quentin's face showed that he was this close to ripping off the sloths arms. 

"Hey calm down now, the scores don't lie." Vox said before carnage could ensure, though he looked rather amused. "Finn is the Winner today and that is final." he declared, not accepting any objections.

"Good job with the scoreboard" Angel whispered to Blitzo as they began their way back to the mansion. 

"Oh shit, you saw me?" The imp asked. 

"Yeah i noticed you walking over. I took the liberty of distracting Ol Valentino for a bit" he said, giving Blitzo a wink. 

"Thanks pal." the imp said, giving the spider a smile. "I hope Finn is gonna have fun on his date tomorrow" he said. 

Angel waved his hand dismissively "Of course he will, it's not like anything can go wrong."

**********************************

At around 1 am that night, Blitzo snuck out of his chamber. He was equipped with his phone, the hand scanner and a rope made out of knotted together blankets. He'd prepared them while waiting for the camera team to finally disappear for the night.

Once everything had quieted down, he snuck quietly out of his room and through the west hall. He followed the way he'd marked on his selfmade castle map earlier. A left turn here, up two flights of stairs, then through the big archway ahead.

Then he had to hide behind some embroidered curtains as cleaning personnel swept through the hallway he was in. Thankfully the curtain was gigantic, they didn't notice the imp standing behind it.

Then Blitzo stalked through to the next staircase, up another 3 levels and finally walked in to the fifth door on the right, which was a small dusty closet with some old mops n shit inside.

He locked the door behind himself and went to open the small window. Then he leaned outside and looked downwards. 

"Score!" he rejoiced, since his calculations were correct and he was exactly two stories above the Princes balcony.

Next he tied the self made rope to the leg of a massive cabinet, which would be more than enough to hold the little imps weight. He slowly climbed down the blankets through the dark, onto the railing of the fancy balcony.

Then he made quick work of the glass stained doors lock. It swung open with a small squeak, and the imp hurried towards the study.

It was pretty much in the same state he'd left it yesterday. Blitzo pulled the grimoire out of the shelf, set it on the big wooden desk and switched on the scanner. It was time to get to work.

~~~

He was just done scanning in the last pages as suddenly, there was a noise from the Princes bedroom. "Oh shit has the bastard come back already?!" Blitz swore under his breath. He glanced at his phone's clock, which said 3:52. Still pretty early in the morning.

Then he heard a familiar voice talking. "You sure about this? What if Stolas comes back sooner?" Vox's static tune was a little muffled through the wall, but the imp could still understand the conversation. What was the TV doing here?

"Don't be a pussy Vox, that loser will be gone for at least a few more hours." Valentino answered, and Blitz could hear the slimy grin in the rat's words. "Now get out of your ugly suit and let me see those lovely square tits" the moth pimp demanded.

While Blitzo quickly put the book back in place, there were shuffling sounds, followed by a static sizzle and some moans. Those fuckers were going at it in the royal birds bedroom. If Blitzo wasn't stuck in the study because of this, he'd have probably found it funny. Though as it was now, he would have to find a different way back out. Shit. He could still hear the other two demons through the wall. 

_"Plug it it voxxie baby~"_

_"For the last time, my dick isnt a usb stick!"_

The imp opened the small window of the study, looking over at the balcony. It was too far to jump, but there was a gargoyle in the middle. With a sigh, he climbed out onto the windowsill. His other alternative was waiting around and being accidentally discovered if the moth and tv decided to have a romp in the Study room as well. 

He closed the window behind himself, securing his phone and the scanner, and taking a deep breath. Then he jumped.

Barely, he managed to grab onto the nose of the ugly statue, swinging over the abyss for a moment, before groaning and heisting himself up. Thank Satan for his circus days, otherwise he'd be mush on the ground now.

Now that he was standing on the sculpture it was easy, he was able to reach the self made rope with his tail. Slowly he pulled over the blankets, and climbed back up to the closet.

Just as he was pulling up the rope through the window, the balcony door opened and out came Valentino, lighting up a cigarette.

"Hey, it's called a post sex smoke, not a right in the middle smoke" Vox was complaining trough the open door. 

"Go put yourself on mute and do an update or something in the meantime " the rat yelled back, shoving up his middle finger.

Two stories further up, Blitz closed the window as quietly as possible, and sat down for a moment. That had been a close one.

The rest of the way back was rather uneventful. The only odd thing Blitz noticed as he sneaked back was Finn, who was sleeping soundly, face down on a kitchen counter in a pile of white powder. The imp stopped for a moment wondering if he should wake up the sloth. Ah whatever, the guy would be fine. 

Blitz continued and went to bed. Tomorrow would be the first family visit day, and he was looking forward to seeing his Loony again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can imagine the scene where Clyde tries to get his ball back like the russian folktale "The Gigantic Turnip"


	8. elimination time!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thank you so much for all the comments <3

Blitzo was waiting in the west hall. It was now half past ten, and family meeting time had started half an hour ago. Where the hell was Loona?!  
Speaking of the devil, she was just lazily walking in through one of the big archways.  
  


"Sorry, was a little late and had to find the way by myself. Kinda got lost in this dumb big ass castle." she explained as she sat down. They were sitting on the outermost couple of striped armchairs, a small coffee table in the middle. As far away as possible from the other idiots.

"So you're not late cuz you grabbed a milkshake on the way?" Blitzo asked suspiciously, pointing at the strawberry drink in the hellhound's hands.

"Nope" she said, taking a sip with a loud slurp. Then she lowered her voice "So, you said you have the files?" she whispered.

The imp rummaged around in his coat pocket for a moment, till he found the tiny usb stick with the scanned book pages on it. "Here ya go Loony" he said, casually handing it over, after checking that nobody was currently paying attention to them.

"I've sent the other reference photos to Mills n Mox this morning already, via phone." Blitz declared, while his daughter pocketed the precious data. "It's got a rough used leather cover, those two should make sure to get something that's similar. And a coffee stain on page 79" he explained to Loona, who had already taken out her phone again.

"Text the details to the other two, cuz im not gonna remember all that shit." she interrupted him. 

"Ok, Fine." Blitz said, rolling his eyes. "Just make sure they have the fake done by next week, the sooner I get outta here the better" the imp asked of her.

"Anything interesting happening in the office lately?" he continued, switching over to casual conversation. 

"Not much really. The water cooler broke down" Loona shrugged. "It's pretty boring when you're not around." she admitted. Her eyes went wide "Not that i miss you or anything" she immediately added defensively. 

Blitzo grinned widely "Aww, i miss you guys too. Did you know that-"

"Oh hello~" they were interrupted by a certain crown hat adorned individual. The prince leaned downward between the two.

"You must be Loona" he said, turning to the hellhound and sticking out a gloved hand. "Pleasure to be meeting you, Miss."

Loona ogled the hand warily for a moment, then she shook it hesitantly. "Uh, pleasure to meet you as well, I guess" she said, mustering the owl. 

He gave her a wide smile. 

"To be completely honest, i did not expect you to be this tall... Or a hellhound" he admitted.

"Yeah obviously I'm adopted" she said, giving her dad the side eye. 

"which, for some reason, Blitz thought I wouldn't ever notice" she ended tauntingly.

"I still can't believe you figured it out yourself, i wanted to tell you on your 18th birthday!!!" The imp complained, still seeming very upset about the fact. "I bet Moxxie told you" he grumbled.

The hound just shook her head and turned back to his royal highness. "So is there something you want, beak boy?" she asked the prince.

Stolas was confused. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"Cuz this is family time, if you could kindly fuck off." Loona said, gesturing towards the other side of the room. 

After a moment of silence the prince began to chuckle. "I see, you inherited your attitude from Blitzy" he noted. "Very well, I shall leave you two to it." His highness leaned back up and strode into the direction of the other contestants.

"Blitzy?" the hellhound asked, giving the imp a disbelieving look.

"Don't ask" her dad said, rubbing his forehead. 

"Let's get back to the plan instead, how are you going to get the books in and out?" he asked his daughter. 

"Oh it's gonna be quite easy" she said, leaning forwards to whisper to Blitzo. "I'll disguise it as another book. Simply slap a cover with a boring title over it and boom, no one's gonna look at it twice." she explained eagerly. 

"Nice one Loons!" 

"I know. Once you swap them out, just put the cover over the original and I'll smuggle it back out." She smugly leaned back in her chair. "Easy peasy, as long as Moxxie and Millie do their job as well" she said, rolling a strand of hair through her claws.

Then she glanced at the ancient grandfather clock to the side, and her eyebrows shot up after reading the time. "Shit, I gotta roll now, the new episode of 'Game of Bones' is airing today" she declared and stood up.

She checked inconspicuously once more that she had the usb stick in her bag. 

"Aww you're leaving already" Blitz pouted sadly.

He immediately jumped up to give the fluffy dog a tight goodbye hug. Loona endured it, eyes rolling for a moment, before shoving him back.

"Try to not fuck it up in the meantime" she said, as she headed towards the exit. Before leaving through the archways, she turned around one last time.

"Blitzyyyy~" she added mockingly.

**********************************

Stolas sighed, leaning back on his seat on the ferris wheel. After helping out Lucifer with the "little" Overlord problem, the King of hell had given him two VIP tickets for Lu-Lu World as thanks. 

The owl was delighted, as a big theme park fan, he'd had an entire room just dedicated to be filled with trinkets and merch at his mansion. There were T-shirts, hats, cups, giant inflatable baseball bats and all other sorts. But today he was in a foul mood.

After lunch he and his date had started the trip to the humongous adventure park. Said date was the reason for his current misery. 

He just had to pull the sloth named Finn back from their cabins railing, otherwise the idiot would have jumped down.

His demon companion was as high as a kite. He had been babbling nonsense ever since Stolas had picked him up earlier. Some white powder rests were visible in his grey beard, a hint as to why he was acting like an uncontrollable toddler.

"Dude, why didn't you let me grab some apples?" Finn slurred, pointing at the huge decorations on a candy stand a few hundred metres away. "They look soooo tasty" the sloth continued, some slobber running down his chin.

The prince buried his head in his hands. "Satan help me" he muttered exasperated. He wondered how to manage to not lose his sanity today, as the sloth began climbing the railing again.

**********************************

Blitzo turned around in front of the pompous mirror, checking that his old tattered suit fit right. For the finishing touch, he plucked the blue feather that each competitor had gotten from the prince into its hem. Satisfied with his looks, he walked out into the main hall.

A week had passed, and today was elimination day. Most of his 'rivals' were already there, standing in the cliques that had formed over the past few days. The imp went over to his two buddies, Angel Dust and Finn.

The Sloth was looking very concerned, with Angel talking quietly to him.

"Wow, you look like shit" Blitzo noted as he arrived, mustering his bearded friend.

"I fucked up maaan," the sloth explained "I was nervous and got wayyy to fucking high yesterday. I can't remember anything." he explained, desperately dragging his fingers through his hair. "Like I got no idea what happened on that date and stuff." he said, sinking his head down. 

"Eyyy, chin up sugar! you're high all the time. It probably wasn't that bad." The spider tried to lift him up. 

Finn shook his head. "Nahh guys, i can feel it. I'm leaving today. Had a good run though" he said, smiling sadly at the two. Blitzo was about to add that there were way worse candidates than the sloth, but before he could say anything, Camio marched in.

"Please Gentlemen, follow me, it is time." he announced and they went out onto the main stairs. They were decorated with flowers and golden bands, just like last time.

Vox and Stolas were waiting at the bottom, the TV eagerly chatting to one of the cameras.

"Good evening fuckers, and welcome to our second elimination!" their host was shouting. "It's probably not gonna be as interesting as the first one though, since our royal highness has declared there will be no more offing of our candidates!" 

A loud booohhh sound effect was added from somewhere.

"Nonetheless, I bet all of you are curious. Who will be leaving today? Maybe you already have a favorite, wouldn't it be a shame if he gets the boot today? BTW, we've made some merch for you thirsty dumbasses at home" he held up a tshirt that had Damiens face on it, with a _#TeamIncubus_ print beneath it. 

"We've got quite a lot of awesome stuff, so check it out at _HelluvaBachelor.hll_. But now back to the main program" Vox whipped his flat-screen back around to face Stolas "Ready to make a decision, your royal Loneliness?" 

The Owl nodded and took over. "Indeed I am." He spoke, turning towards his suitors on the stairs. 

"This week has been way more interesting than I could have ever imagined. I have seen so much of all of you, my lovelies, it is insane. Which makes it even harder for me to decide. But alas, one of you is leaving today." he paused for a moment. 

"Wilhelm, please step forward" he called. Slowly, the grinch sauntered down the stairs, demonstratively adjusting his coat collar.

"Hello Stolas" he greeted the prince once he was on his level. "Glad to see you, today!" the sleazy noble said, grinning smugly. 

"Good to see you too." the prince responded, giving him a smile. "This week, you have proven to have an amazing taste in fashion, as well as in wine." Stolas said, a nod to their date which had been a trip to a vineyard. It had ended with both of them pretty drunk. The grinch nodded along agreeingly. 

"Yes, that one was fun!" he winked at the Prince. 

"You may keep your feather and stay for another week" Stolas declared, and, still equipped with a smug smile, Wilhem walked back up the stairs again.

"Blitzo next, please" the Owl called, and while the imp walked downstairs he realized that the privileged asshole was only calling him 'Blitzy' when the cameras weren't around. Huh.

He came to a stop in front of the tall bird. "Heya" he said, giving a lazy wave and a half assed grin. The royals face looked kind of forced, as if he was trying to hold down a big smile.

"Hello Blitzo" he said, leaning down a bit to accommodate their height difference. "Though our dancing lesson was cut short due to some... unfortunate events" he quickly glanced down at his ankle. "I think there is still more of you that I would like to get to know."

The imp scoffed a bit at that. What else would that stupid prick want? They'd already slept together, for fucks sake, it didn't get any better than that.

"Please keep your feather till next week" the Prince asked. Blitzo just nodded, and went back up the stairs.

~~~

It was now down to the last two candidates, which were Finn and Quentin. Both were standing in front of the Owl, visibly nervous.

"I'm afraid one of you has to leave tonight" Stolas said, scratching his beak in thought, looking between the shark and the sloth. Then he sighed. 

"Finn, I will be honest. Our date has been the worst one so far. You tried to jump off a ferris wheel three times, and then you tried to propose to me in front of the port-a-potties with a ring pop." his royal highness paused for a moment. 

"You seem to be a very nice guy, and while I'm flattered you feel this way about me, I have a feeling this isn't going to work." he continued. 

"I suggest you try and get a hold of your drug consumption habit in the future." 

Then the Prince held out his gloved hand.

"Finn, Please return your feather" he said. The sloth moved forward, plucking the quill out of his suit. 

"Fair enough dude" he said understandingly, handing it to the owl.

"I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors" Stolas said, giving the sloth a small nod.

"Thanks man" Finn said, then turned around to his now ex-co-contestants.

"Had a great time here dudes! See ya!" he called back, before walking out.

Blitzo's and Angel's eyes followed him until he dissapeared in the dark of the night.

"Shit, I guess he was right after all" The fluffy spider muttered.

"A good decision, your highness" Quentin said, visibly relieved that he hadn't been the one to be kicked out. The prince turned his attention back to the shark.

"You may have passed for now, but i suggest you think about changing your behavior in the house." 

Quentin looked surprised at that. "What do you mean?" he asked, blinking innocently.

Stolas was clearly annoyed. "Please don't play dumb. I've seen the way you treat the other participants fist hand." he said pinching between his eyes. "Cease that" he said determinately.

The shark looked down at the ground, biting down on his lips to swallow a snarky comment.

"Very well, your Highness" he caved in, though, if Blitzo knew one thing about that fucker, it was that he would find a sneakier way to fuck with them instead.

"Alright Demons, that's it for tonight! Don't forget to check out our new merch!" Vox shouted, holding up a Mug with Stolas face on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only 9 guys left!


	9. flea market

The mood the next day could have been better. Blitzo and Angel were quite distraught over losing their third buddy.

"Sucks man. He should've kicked out Quentin instead" Angel said, hanging over the back of the counter and stirring his cocktail with a straw. They were sitting outside at a bar in the royal gardens.

"Agreed." The imp muttered, checking his phone impatiently. His employees were currently out on a mission to find the replacement for the book, and he hadn't heard back from them yet.

"Now i can't get any of the good stuff while I'm here" the spider pouted, throwing back his fluffy hair. "Vacation is just ain't the same without drugs."

"You consider this vacation?" Blitzo asked, raising one eyebrow.

Angel spread out all four of his arms, spilling a little of his drink in the process. "Yeah of fucking course! There's no other way for me ta get off of work for a few weeks this easy." 

Then he took the straw outta his drink and slurped up the little puddle that had spilled over on the table "So glad Val agreed to let me do this" he continued.

"So you're not actually here to date Stolas?" the imp inquired. 

"Not really." the spider shrugged. "I'm just here for the ratings. I mean, I do kinda like our bird guy, but not in that way. We've actually been friends for quite a while now." he disclosed. 

Huh, so they just got the pornstar on board for views. That made sense.

"Then I hope you get to stay a little longer. Ya the least annoying one round here" the imp responded. 

"Aw shucks, thanks sweetie." Angel said, twirling the little umbrella in his drink. "Looks like we're two sides of the same coin, After all you're only here to catfish some audience as well" he stated, pointing at the imp.

"I am?" Blitzo wondered. 

"Yeah, I heard Valentino discussing that with his Voxxie baby on the phone. Apparently imps make up like, half the audience." he explained.

Oh. The imp really shouldn't have cared, but for some reason he felt betrayed. Pah, whatever, the important thing was that he could roam about the mansion freely and get the book. Though it was odd, considering he wasn't really a candidate, why had the owl prince slept with him? 

"Don't think about it too much darling, just enjoy your time here" Angel interrupted his thoughts, handing him an expensive bottle of whisky he'd just grabbed from behind the bar. 

Blitzo picked up the bottle and took a swig straight from it, still pondering his thoughts.

~~~

Two hours later, they were assembled in the west hall, now only 9 of them. Once again, Vox and Stolas were there, waiting with a surprise.

"What's up losers" the TV greeted them, holding up a small stack of cards. "You're getting the chance to go on a date with yours truly once again" he pointed at the prince who was chilling in one of the satin covered chairs.

The Prince smiled and waved to his suitors, before he got up from his seat. He took the cards out of Voxs hands and spread them out on a coffee table, in front of the contestants.

"Each one of you gets to pick a card." he explained. "Depending on what is on your card, you might get to spend some extra time with me this week" he declared, arranging the 9 cards neatly in a square, then waving at the demons in front of him. "Good luck, gentlemen" the bird finished, withdrawing from the table.

Within an instant, most of them stormed the table to try and get a winning card. Blitzo, Angel, and Quentin, who apparently had taken the owls words at the last elimination night seriously, were waiting. After the stampede was over, they took the remaining last three of the now mangled cards. 

Blitzo turned his card around, and saw a paintbrush symbol on it.

"Very well!" the prince clasped his talons together. "Everyone got one? Great. If your card has a crown on it please step forward!"

Wilhelm von Eldritch, Clyde the lynx and the fat bear demon named Charles stepped up, holding up their cards with the fancy symbol on it.

"I'm sorry, but you're not getting any dates this week" the royal owl disclosed to them.

Charles scoffed. "That is rather stupid. I picked the card with a crown, which is clearly a symbol of victory" the bear complained, brandishing around the imprinted piece of paper in his pranks.

The prince sighed. "You were supposed to pick randomly, not based on the symbols. But since I expected some of you to do this, I picked the crown as the dunce." 

He shrugged. "You would have had a better chance had you picked randomly."

Then he turned to the other six. "Congratulations, you are the winners."

A cheer went through the rest of them. Stolas stepped up towards the lucky ones.

"Two of you have a paintbrush, that means you will be attending an art class with me tomorrow." The prince declared. 

On cue Blitzo held up his card. He looked over to the guy on the right who had the other one. It was the seagull dude with glasses. The imp still couldn't remember his name.

"Oh wonderful" Stolas trilled, smiling at the both of them, though his gaze lingered on the imp a little longer. "I look forward to drawing with the two of you! The instructor tomorrow will be an old friend of mine!" he disclosed.

Blitzo got a smug grin on his face now, looking at the paintbrush on his card. What an awesome opportunity to show off his amazing drawing skills to all of hell. They were going to be blessed by his lit, creative masterpieces. He envisioned a large canvas, full of his majestic horse doodles.

The Prince had turned his attention to the other four in the meantime.

"The rest of you should have a microphone" he said, and the four demons held up their cards as proof. Stolas nodded approvingly. "We will all be doing karaoke together on thursday." he explained. 

"Oh no" said Sir Pentious, looking horrified at the microphone printed on his card. 

"Oh fuck yeah!" Angel yelled next to him, victoriously bumping his two left fists into the air.

**********************************

"Heya Speedy, look at this one" Millie called, holding up an old black leather diary. They had been skimming through the big flea market in the center of imp city for about two hours now. So far, they hadn't managed to find anything usable. 

Moxxie walked over to his wife, and took a ruler out of the bag clasped around his stomach. He measured the tattered old thing. 

"Good eye, honey, it's got the right measurements." he stated, then he turned to the dealer.

"How much is it?" he asked. 

"50" he got as a grunted answer, while the fat imp flicked through his porn magazine.

"Cents?" Moxxie inquired hopefully.

"Dollars you cheapskate!!!" the big guy shouted, enraged at the audacity.

With a resigned face Moxxie lowered his wallet. "Thank you for your time, Sir. We'll have to pass."

Millie laid the book back on the dusty pile and they continued their search.

They were just checking out a bunch of old paper that looked the right part for the job, when-

**"Yoinks!"**

A little green devil shouted as it grabbed the wallet right out of Moxxie's hands, immediately spreading its wings and flying away with the stolen goods.

"HEY!" The imp shouted, raising his fist at the thief "That's not yours! Give it back!"

"Quick Sweetie, after him" Millie yelled towards her husband, and the two broke into a sprint.

They ran after the small devil, winding their way through the other shoppers at the jumble sale. They knocked over a couple of displays, while trying to not lose sight of the little shit. They followed it all the way to the other end of the big market, where the devil sat down on a windowsill. It was just out of reach for the small imps. 

"Hehehe" the green fucker laughed, flipping them the finger.

"Please give it back" Moxxie was shouting upwards, trying to reason with it. His wife tried to climb up the wall, but it was too smooth and she had nowhere to grab.

"Lets see what you guys have for me" the devil cackled, opening the worn out wallet. It looked inside, its face turning into disbelief. Then it flipped the thing upside down, shaking it. All that fell out was a dead fly.

"Are you guys serious?" he shouted down, giving them a confused look. 

"Please Sir, that wallet was a gift from my mother. There may not be much inside, but that doesn't mean it has no value." the little imp begged.

"Pah" the devil spat, throwing the old thing back down.

Then he pulled something else outta the bag he was carrying.

"Here, take this as well! You two sad sorry fucks" he yelled, yeeting it down.

"Ouch" Millie shouted, as the heavy thing hit her on the head. "Watch it you dumb asshole" she complained.

The green shit cackled and went to fly away. "Buy yourself something nice. It's bad enough you two have to walk around with faces like that" were his last words, before he went off into the blood red sky.

"Are you alright Millie?" Mox asked, giving his wife a concerned look. 

"It's nothing, all good" she reassured him, rubbing her head. Then she went to pick up the heavy thing that'd hit her. It turned out to be another wallet. Both of their eyes went wide as she opened it.

"Oh dear" Moxxie said "That's more than we make in a month! If Blitzo were paying us, that is" he added grumpily. 

Millie grinned at him "I think that's enough for that old empty diary, sweetums" she said, bumping her partner in the arm "That, and a nice dinner afterwards!"

"But it's not ours!" Moxxie shouted after his wife, who'd already run back into the market with the wallet filled to the brim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't you just hate it when someone throws money at you?


	10. drawingggggg

It was tuesday, and Blitzo was in quite a good mood. He'd checked out the pictures that Mills and Mox had sent of the book replacement. It was perfect. Everything was going so well, it was almost suspicious.

He'd been pondering about what to draw on his date today. By now, he'd narrowed it down to either one big amazing horse drawing or a gorgeous self portrait. Maybe he'd just put both on the same canvas.

He and the other bird, who's name had turned out to be Victor, were waiting in a designated drawing studio at the east end of the castle. It was a bright room with large windows. Three easels had been set up, facing a high, small stage that was empty for now.

The seagull walked up to the middle easel, sitting down on the small stool in front of it and sizing up the canvas. "Looks like we're gonna do an oil painting" he noted, turning around on the chair and inspecting the paint buckets that were strewn around the place.

Blitzo also went up to one of the canvases, the one on the left. He realized the thing was wayyy too high up for him to reach. Even with the stool. He looked around and spotted a cardboard box off to the side in the corner. He went over and started to pull it towards his easel, with a loud grunt. The thing was heavier than it looked.

"Do you need help?" Victor asked the imp from across the room.

"I'm fine. Don't you dare help me" the imp panted. The seagull shrugged and went back to inspecting the paint. Blitzo cursed under his breath. The stupid piece of cardboard had barely moved. After making a short pause he pulled the stupid box a little bit further again.

The same moment, the door opened and in stepped his royal Birdiness, accompanied by two camera men and a weird fly demon. The insect was wearing a large fluttering robe, looking kinda like a homeless person. His faceted eyes reflected light everywhere, like two giant disco balls.

"Hello Victor, Hello Blitzo" the Prince eagerly greeted them. He noticed the imp trying to push the large carton.

"Let me help you." he said, snapping his fingers. Blitzo yelped as suddenly, the box was lifted up in the air with a puff of red magic smoke, the imp still dangling off of it. Stolas waved it over to the easel, gently setting it down, as to not hurt the little demon.

"I could've done that myself" the imp complained, glaring at the bird. Stolas chuckled "Of course." Then he turned around, gesturing towards their teacher.

"Gentlemen, this is Florian" he introduced the Fly, who had just placed a boring white vase up on the stage. "I've known him since he was alive back in the living world. He was a famous artist in Paris 200 years ago. Today he'll be helping us to draw a very personal piece."

On the stage, the insect had finished setting up the simple vase. He flapped his shimmering wings and sharply turned to face his three pupils.

"I want you to capture your soul's essence!" the Insect shouted without preamble, voice booming in a heavy french accent. He pointed a hairy arm at each of them. "You are gonna draw this simple vase, and then you will fill it with all the things that bring you joy. If it does not spark joy, you do not draw it! Understood?!" he bellowed demandingly. Blitzo had the urge to salute.

On his right the two birds went and enthusiastically grabbed some paint and brushes. Blitzo just pulled his old trusty pencil outta his coat pocket. No need for fancy oil paint to create a masterpiece.

~~~

The imp was kind of glad the seagull was sitting in the middle, forming somewhat of a barrier to the royal douche. Nonetheless, Stolas had been waltzing over to the imp quite often, to compliment his style and techniques and inquire about the doodles on the canvas.

Blitzo, who just wanted to work in peace, quickly tried to get rid of the royal prick. Though he kept coming back every five minutes or so.

"Don't you have your own painting to work on?" he scoffed at the tall bird. 

"Oh, but I like to see what the two of you are creating as well" the owl chirped.

What a liar, he had barely looked at Victor's painting. The seagull had been talking a lot, chewing off the Prince's ear the whole time, trying to gain Stolas attention. Rather unsuccessfully though. 

Florian was waltzing around behind them, occasionally shouting that they were supposed to pour more soul into their art. As if anyone in hell still had a soul.

"The horse you drew looks simply delightful" His Royal Simpness said, pointing at the sketch of the big mustang Blitz had put on his vase painting. The imp just continued in silence, not responding to the Owl looking over his shoulder. Eventually the fucker would leave again.

"Look Stolas!" Victor called the prince over. Slightly annoyed, the owl went up and over to take a peek at the seagulls canvas.

"I've added your mansion, what do you think? " the bird asked, looking very proud with his work. Blitzo glanced over, checking out the others drawing. 

It was very detailed, Victor had managed to put most of the castle's nooks and crannies onto the small vase. Peaking out on top of the vase were the feathers they'd gotten from the prince the first night. The imp had to admit, Victor was somewhat talented at drawing. But of course not as good as Blitzo himself.

"It's supposed to reflect my time here" the seagull proudly beamed up at the prince.

"It looks fine." Stolas said, and without any further commentary went back to work on his own piece. Victor pouted at being ignored by the prince.

He walked after his royal highness and looked at the Owl's canvas. "You have quite the gift with the arts," he tried to start a conversation again. "I adore the way you drew your daughter" he smiled at Stolas. 

The owl sighed. "She is very important to me." was all he had for an answer. Silence followed. Victor awkwardly hovered around behind the prince.

Blitzo decided to ignore that mess and focus back on his own piece de la resistance. He sketched a small doodle of Moxxie, off center, onto the vase handle. He was just adding the stripes to the horns when Florian walked up.

"Simply splendid" the fly buzzed, gesturing towards the imps canvas. "You have an amazing and unique energy to your drawings!" he stated.

"Yeah I know!" Blitzo grinned proudly. "I've been thinking of opening commissions, or maybe starting a stream."

"Please do let me know if you open commissions, I would be interested! " Stolas called from over at his easel. Behind him stood a very annoyed looking Victor, arms crossed.

"Oh come on now, that low class imp can't even draw a stick figure" he complained, clearly done with all of them. "He's not even using color, for fucks sake" he ranted, waving around with his hands. "You can't call that shit art!"

_Ohhhhhh_ now the bird had gone too far. Nobody would get away with insulting Blitzo's epic drawing skills. 

"Oh, so you want some color?" The imp asked, grabbing one of the paint cans off the floor.

"What are you doing?" the seagull asked, a worried expression on his face as the small demon marched towards him, screwing the lid off the bucket.

"Just giving ya what you asked for" Blitzo stated. Then he yanked up the entire can, to empty it over Victor. The yellow paint splashed everywhere.

Dumbfounded the bird stood there, with 'Golden Sunflower amarillo' dripping all over him.

"That's the soul I want to see!!!" Florian yelled excitedly, blowing a chef's kiss.

Sitting on his stool, Stolas was wiping away some paint that'd managed to splash far enough to stain the Prince's coat and face. He didn't seem too bothered by the fact. Instead he turned to look at the seagull. 

The owl prince snorted. "You look good in yellow" he mockingly complimented the other bird.

That comment and the fuming look on Victor's face sent Blitzo laughing on the floor, rolling around in the paint as well.

The seagull was glaring at the imp. "Unbelievable" he hissed, grieving for his expensive outfit. He continued to angrily mutter, and took off his glasses to clean them.

In the meantime, Prince Stolas had turned back and used the yellow paint on his fingers to draw a little smiley onto his vase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yellow is such a bootyful color ಥ◡ಥ


	11. karaoke baby!!!

Lost in thought, the Prince sat on the neon red leather couch of the karaoke bar, flicking through the long printed out list of available songs. 

Quentin and Sir Pentious were currently up on the stage, singing a duet of "Barbie Girl". They had made the mistake of choosing the random picking feature. Though in all fairness, the snake managed to hit the high notes of the lady part rather nicely.

Next to his royal Highness, Angel Dust and Damien were lively talking about the pornstars latest live performance.

"Loved the way ya just spread out on the stage" the Incubus raved about. "And all of that while singing as well! How did you do that?"

"Took it's sweet time ta practice, let me tell ya that. My homegirl Cherri helped with some of the moves." the spider beamed proudly. 

"Maybe Addict is on the list as well" the incubus suggested.

"Well, then I know what I'm gonna sing next" Angel grinned, and turned around. "Hey Stolas, is Addict on the list? If it is, ya guys are gonna get a free private showing" he asked the Prince.

The bird didn't have any reaction though, looking straight through the paper in his hands, still lost in thought. He'd been like that for a while now.

Angel waited for a few minutes, and when Damien got up to fetch himself a drink, he scooted over to the prince. 

"Everything alright Stol? You've been acting weird lately" he whispered, as to not draw the attention of the camera team. They were busy on the stage, having a field day with Quentin and Sir Pentious doing a loud encore of 'Highway to Hell'. 

Stolas looked up from the list, seeming worried. "It is fine, it's nothing... I just... I..." the owl stammered. Then he sighed, and looked up at his fluffy friend. 

"I think I'm already falling for someone… " he admitted, burying his head in his hands, the crowned cylinder almost sliding off to the ground.

"Gee that's great you big old bird" the spider cheered, slapping the princes back. The royal looked rather distraught, though. "Why the long face?" Angel inquired "Wasn't that the goal of all of this?"

"Well yes..." the prince continued "But it wasn't supposed to be _'him'_ " he groaned, rubbing his temples. 

"Who ya talkin 'bout?" the curious spider prodded for information. 

The prince looked around, making sure no camera or microphone was within reach. "I'm talking about a certain imp" the prince whispered back quietly. 

"Oh shit you mean Blitzo?" Angel said, eyes going wide. Stolas just nodded, a sour look on his face.

"Not that I dislike the dude, he's cool, but why?" the confused spider asked.

Frustrated, the owl threw up both his hands.

"I don't know!!!" he whined. Then he leaned back over the couch, palming off his face with his hands. 

"Just can't stop thinking about him." the Prince lamented. "I see that yellow toothed grin everywhere I go! It is impossible to focus on my other suitors when he is in the room. I simply want to know everything about this damned imp!" he finished, groaning again.

Solicingly, the spider patted his shoulder. "Oh you got it bad alright"

Tired, the owl rubbed his beak. "Please keep this to yourself" he asked the spider. 

"Of course sugar" Angel nodded. "Let's sing the next one to try and distract ya, come on!" he demanded, grabbing Stolas arm and pulling him on the stage.

**********************************

"Honey, can you pass me the glue?" Moxxie asked, holding the grimoire-in-progress in place.

"Sure Sweetie" Millie answered , and gave her husband the self made adhesive. 

They were at IMP headquarters, surrounded by large refence prints of the cursed book, pinned to the walls. Currently, they were piecing back together the newly imprinted pages of the old diary, which was going to be the duplicate. A few of the pages had been ripped by their shaky printer, but thankfully they had a large stack of additional old timey paper. 

"You guys gotta finish it this week!" Loona bellowed from her desk. She'd been looking at 'dumbest demons' compilation videos on her computer for the last three hours. They didn't have any hits planned currently, which meant the imps had spent the entire week replicating the book as closely as possible.

"If you were helping us, we'd already be done" Moxxie stated, glaring at the hellhound. 

"Nah, that's your job" she said, tapping away on her phone. 

"Better if she doesn't," Millie said, sticking out her tongue to the large canine. "She probably can't even read!"

"Hey!" Loona shouted. "Just cuz Blitz made me boss in the meantime don't mean you get to act like that! Now finish that stupid diary or whatever, im going out! " She said, springing up and waltzing outta the office door, leaving her computer on, with the Voxtube video still running on full volume.

"Ugh somehow she's even worse than Blitzo" Moxxie said, slapping the glued page onto the book spine.

"Heads up Speedy, Boss is gonna be back soon" his wife reassured him. Then she glanced down at the grimoire-in-progress.

"I think you glued the page upside-down" she noted. 

Her husband groaned, hitting his head on the table. "I just want to get back to murdering people" he murmured into the wood.

**********************************

Blitzo walked through the humongous kitchen to grab a snack, after all it was dinnertime, and he had been very busy with doing nothing all day. Angel and the others had just returned from their karaoke date.

The imp was surprised to find the spider chatting civilly over the counter with Sir Pentious. 

"Ya know, I'd never have expected your sorry ass to be that good at singing" the spider said, giving the snake a wide grin.

"Thank you whore, you weren't so bad yourself" the victorian douche countered, getting a slight blush on his face. Ugh, Blitzo didn't want to join where that was going.

Quickly he grabbed a sandwich from the buffet and went out into the west hall. He stopped when he saw Charles, who was heatedly ranting to Camio the butler.

"It's not fair!" the bear yelled, angrily glaring at the poor bird.

"Please Sir, have some patience." the servant said, trying to calm him down. "I'm certain that his Highness will spend some time with you soon" he continued trying to soothe the other demon. 

It didn't work, evidently, as Charles angrily punched the wall, leaving a dent in the massive stone.

"I. haven't. had. a. single. date. yet!!!" he screamed, baring his fangs at poor old Camio. Blitzo thought for a moment the bear was actually going to bite the bird's head off.

"Stop that please, I haven't had a date yet either" Clyde sniffled from over on the couch, where he was watching Titanic. There were a lot of used tissues lying around. 

"You'll get your chance eventually" he said, hoping the bear would go away and let him watch the movie in peace.

"I cannot stand all you assholes anymore" the fuming demon shouted "If I don't even get a chance I'm gonna leave!" Then he stomped up the stairs towards his room, leaving behind a poor shaking Camio. The bear ripped off a few banners on the way up, like a spoiled child.

"Good riddance!" Clyde said, sniffling into a tissue. 

"That dude sucks." Blitzo agreed, as he leaned over the couch and looked at the screen.

"Damn, is that the directors cut?" he asked.

"Uhm y-yeah" the lynx answered unsure.

"Alright then, scoot over" the imp said, shooing at the other demon to make space on the couch.

~~~

Half an hour later, Blitzo and the lynx were sobbing over the final moments of Titanic. "Why couldn't she just let him on the door as well?" the imp cried, sniffling into his coat-turned-tissue.

"I knoooow, it's so sad" Clyde agreed, wiping away his tears. In that moment, Charles angrily stomped down the stairs again, his hands full with two packed suitcases.

"SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME!!!" he shouted, stomping through the hall. They turned to look after him, but none of them said anything. With a loud

**BANG!**

the bear smashed the huge hall door closed, but it violently swung back, left hanging on only one hinge.

"Guess there's only 8 guys left now" Clyde concluded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as Clyde said, we're down another one!!!


	12. elimination 2: electric boogaloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love to read all your comments and reactions, please keep them coming! :D

Blitzo woke up with a groan. He'd had the weirdest dream tonight, consisting of a bunch of cat demons dancing, singing and fucking all over the place. It was probably cuz the Helluva candidates had gone to see the Catz Musical the night before. 

"Moxxie would have loved that stupid shit" the imp murmured, sitting up in bed. The red satin covers slid off of his buck ass naked body. The imp looked to his right.

"Ah shit" he cursed, as he realized that he was, in fact, once again in the Prince's oversized bed. The royal bastard was soundly asleep next to him. In fact, the asshole had the audacity to have an arm around Blitzos waist. 

After the musical yesterday, the prince had called him in again, once the camera team was gone. When the imp had waltzed into the chamber, the rich prick had said he "wanted to talk". Blitzo had listened to the idiots words for a whooping 20 seconds, before deciding to shut him up by jumping his bones. 

As smoothly as possible, the imp shrugged out of the owl's hold, and put on his clothes strewn around the royal bedroom. After he finally got down his sock from the giant wardrobe, he went to head back to the west wing. 

Then suddenly the fancy doors opened, and he stopped in his tracks as Camio walked in, the butlers hands full with a breakfast plate. For a moment the maroon feathered servant mustered the imp, both of them staring at each other.

"Would you like a coffee as well?" the bird asked him, after some contemplation.

"Nah, I only drink iced coffee." Blitzo answered, grabbing a croissant off the plate and tried to stuff the whole thing into his mouth. Chewing, he disappeared through the open door.

Camio sighed at the crumb trail the imp was leaving behind. Someone would have to clean that up. Then he brought the food over to the prince's bedside, gently lowering it on the nightstand. 

Just that moment, his royal sleepiness slowly blinked open his four eyes.

"Mornin' " he mumbled.

"Good morning, Sir" the butler greeted his employer. 

The Prince turned to look at the empty bed. 

"Where'd Blitzy go?" Stolas inquired, rubbing his cheek. 

"Oh he just left" Camio disclosed, pouring some coffee into a mug beprinted with the royal sigil.

"Damn it" the prince cursed, burying his head back into the pillows. So much for his plan of actually talking to the imp.

**********************************

Today, Loony had managed to make it to the weekly family meeting on time. She and her dad were once again sitting at the outermost chairs in the west hall.

"Had to kick their lazy asses, but they finished it just yesterday!" the hellhound declared proudly, pulling the fake grimoire out of her bag. It was wrapped in a decoy cover of " _The building of Imp City: A History_ ". After checking if anyone was looking, Blitz took the replacement and flipped through its pages.

It looked and felt almost identical to the real thing. "Seems like Moxxie didn't fuck up for once" he said, impressed. "Good work from him and Mills. I'll see to it that I get them swapped till the next meeting" he told his daughter. 

She nodded. "Yeah, bout time you get outta here. Don't want ya to turn into one of those fancy schmucks." she said, grinning. 

"I'd rather go to double hell" her dad said, closing the book and laying it on the table. And not a moment too soon, because his royal Horniness was strolling over.

"Nice to see you again Miss Loona" he greeted happily. At the sour glance she gave him, he laughed. "Don't worry I wont take up much of your time, just wanted to say hello" he declared, ready to turn around and leave again. Then he noticed the book sitting on the table, with the fake cover on it.

"Oh, " _The building of Imp City: A History_ "? You know Blitzy, we have this in the library as well" he said, turning towards his favourite imp. Blitzo quickly put a protective hand on it, lest the privileged bird might start to casually flip through the pages.

"Yeah, it's a special edition Loony brought me from home, with Author's notes n all that shit" the imp said, praying that Stolas would be disinterested enough and just leave. 

"Yeah, it's really fucking boring" the hellhound said, coming to his defense.

"Oh, alright then. Architectural history is not really my forte, otherwise I might have borrowed it" the royal prick said, giving the smaller demon a wink.

"Ahh, too bad." Blitzo said, nervously scratching his neck. Thankfully, Stolas finally turned to leave. "I can recommend the Magne Castle Construction book, if you are interested in historical buildings" he suggested. No reaction. "But alas, I shall leave you two to it." he finished, and walked away. 

The imp let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when the Prince was finally out of reach.

"He seems rather cozy with you." Loona noted, looking after the lanky fucker. 

"Ach" Blitzo waved his hands dismissively "He acts like that with everyone. "

Like anyone would think that royal douche actually liked him. How silly.

**********************************

It was, once again, elimination evening. Even though Charles had stomped out earlier this week, which nobody had been sad about, the rules stated that a contestant was to be kicked out today. All 8 of them were assembled on the stairs, as usual.

Stolas had made quick work today, not talking to his suitors very much. Blitzo had passed with flying colours, of course. Now it was down to the last two, Clyde and Victor, who were standing down at the steps, in front of the royal owl.

The lynx was having a hard time holding still, his eyes going watery. Next to him stood the seagull, his expression unreadable behind the glasses. His white feathers still had a yellow tint to them, as Blitzo noticed, sniggering.

"Ohooo looks like one of you two is gonna get da boot" Vox yelled, leaning in very close to Clyde. The lynx was trying his hardest not to start crying. "My my, don't you look just ugly with your face scrunched up like that" the TV said, poking the cat in the chest, since he couldn't reach up to his head. The answer was a loud sob.

"I think that is enough Vox" Stolas intervened, signaling for the host to come back.

"Ah you're no fun Stolas, you've got to make them suffer a bit" the flat-screen said, but he still walked back and let the prince take over.

The owl stepped forward, mustering the two demons now at his mercy. While Clyde swiped his face with the sleeve of his fancy suit, Victor remained stoic, looking straight ahead at the prince.

His Royal Highness turned to face the sobbing lynx. "Please excuse Vox's behavior, he can be a bastard sometimes" he apologized for his friend.

"Hey, you know I can hear you, Prince boi!" the TV complained, but Stolas ignored him and continued.

"Clyde, you seem like a very sweet guy. It's a shame we haven't gotten to spend much time together" he told the lynx, who had found his composure back. 

"Thank you." the cat said quietly.

Then Stolas turned to the stoic Seagull. "Victor, we actually had a date this week. But I have to say, while your drawing skills are great, your personality isn't. You kept nagging me, and you were constantly talking."

Thoughtful, the owl crossed his arms. The seagull kept his neutral stance. "Truth be told, you reminded me a lot of my ex wife. And that is not a good thing" Stolas said, holding out his hand.

"Victor, please hand me back your feather" he ordered. 

Sharply and without hesitation, the gull tucked the quill out of his suit. "Here" he said, placing it in the prince's open palm.

"Honestly, I'm glad I'm out of this crazy house, your highness" he said, adjusting the glasses sitting on his beak. 

"It saddens me to hear that you did not enjoy your time here." the prince said. "Perhaps you are a little too stuck up to have a good time" he added, smirking. 

Victor scoffed, utterly offended, and marched off into the night.

"Looks like you're getting another chance, you big sad sorry fuck!" Vox said, bumping Clyde into the arm and handing him a shirt with the lynx's own face and _#TeamCrybaby_ on it.

****

"When did you make those?" the poor cat asked, confused.

"They're our third-most sold product, ever since you had that breakdown at the mall!" Vox declared.

Clyde just sighed and put the shirt on over his head. "Might as well own the title" he resigned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> legend says Victor never ever managed to get rid off that yellow tint.


	13. breakfast club

"Good morning Blitzy~" a low sultry prince voice shook the imp awake. Groaning, Blitzo sat up in bed, expecting to wake up in the royals quarters once again. To his surprise, he was in his own chamber in the west wing. The annoying wake up call was coming from the open door to his room.

"Rise and shine!" Stolas said, casually leaning in the decorated frame. "Today, all of us are going to make breakfast together." he stated, smiling at the little imp. The smaller demon only grunted as an answer. He looked at the clock on the wall. For fucks sake, it was only half past 7.

"I expect you to be in the kitchen in ten minutes, my dear" the owl said, having the gall to blow Blitzo a kiss, before he left without closing the door.

~~~

Half an hour later, the still tired imp stalked into the kitchen, where the other suitors were already in the middle of preparing an elaborate meal. Wilhelm and Damien were chopping up vegetables, while Stolas and Clyde were chatting and setting up the large table next door.

An eggboi was scooting around in the kitchen, carrying a large jug of juice and almost tripping over the camera team's cables. The small minion made his way over to Angel and Sir Pentious. They were manning the stove, grilling pancakes and bacon and eggs. For some reason, those two were getting along great since last week, much to Blitzo's dismay. He couldn't stand that Victorian douche. 

So, the imp went to the fridge, to grab a few ingredients. He was going to prepare his famous artichoke dip.

Back at the stove, Quentin was looking over between the snakes and the spiders shoulders. "You guys are flipping the pancakes too much, they're gonna be raw inside" the shark stated. 

"Why dont cha make yourself scarce an' actually help instead a complaining?" Angel said, flipping the eggs and bacon sizzling in his pan.

"No need for that tone ya twink" Quentin scoffed. "didn't think you would eat bacon with that baby pig of yours" he said, then suddenly he got a devious expression on his face. 

"Or is _that_ your fat nuggets" the shark smirked, pointing in the pan and then leaning into the porn star's personal space. "My my, he's looking rather tasty!"

"Oh you wanna go?" the spider said, raising all 4 of his fists. 

Before a fight could ensue though, the shark was yanked back, his collar grabbed by Sir Pentious. "I suggest you leave now, you sorry inbred excuse of a fish" the hisslord declared. The snake began squeezing both of Quentins legs with his tail, pulling it tighter by the second.

"Ouch ouch OUCH! Okay fine, I'll leave you dumb bastards alone!" the shark screamed. Slowly, the snake let go, and the shark started rubbing his legs to get the blood flowing again. 

Then, instead of walking away, he grabbed the flask of oil next to him on the table. Before the two could react, Quentin emptied the whole thing over the open fire on the stove. A hot shooting flame sizzled up, the flames grabbing over to the tapestry and cupboards above. 

"Oh you fucking asshole!" Angel shouted, throwing the now black contents of his pan after the cackling shark. Sir Pentious, with the eggbois help, desperately tried to stop the fire from spreading.

Ignoring all the chaos, Blitzo was almost done with his dip, he was just stirring everything together in a big bowl. He mashed it with super speed, sprinkling half of the ingredients over onto the counter. He was so concentrated he didn't notice his royal horniness creeping up.

"Looks good, what's that?" the bird said leaning over and shielding his face so as to not get sprinkled with the food as well.

"Family dip recipe" Blitz replied, and stopped stirring. The deed was done.

Shamelessly, the owl scooped up some that had spilled over the counter, and obscenely licked it of his long black fingers.

"Oh my, I love it! Is that avocado I taste?" the royal prick moaned. 

"That's a secret, I'm afraid" the imp declared, proud of his cookwork.

"Say Blitzo" the Prince began, still licking his fingers "You seem to be very fond of horses?" the royal inquired. 

The imp shrugged. "I just think they're neat" he answered. "Why do you care?"

"Oh, I am just curious" the Prince said, though his expression said he was planning something.

~~~

Sometime later, they were all sitting on a large oak table, munching on the second non burnt batch of food. Blitzo enjoyed seeing everybody tearing into his dip, with the knowledge that the secret ingredient was the 1% piss vinegar.

The imp had built himself a tower of pancakes, drenched with honey, ketchup, mustard, chocolate sprinkles and cheese.

"Are you serious about eating all that?" Wilhem said, sitting next to him and giving the giant pile a doubtful glance. 

"Just because you're too weak doesn't mean I am as well" Blitzo declared, and started tearing into the mountain, with his hands instead of fork or knife, food flying everywhere.

"You utter and absolute filth!” von Eldritch spat at him. Disgusted, the noble scooted his chair away as far as possible to escape the imps carnage.

"Ahem" a static Voice called from the end of the table. The contestants looked up to see that Vox had joined them. "Good morning fuckers" the TV greeted them, grabbing an empty plate and shoveling breakfast on it. 

"I'm sure you're all curious about what's in store this week" he spoke. "Sorry to say, it's probably gonna be rather boring. Our fluffy bachelor gets to decide what ya’ll gonna do this week, since I'll be busy with something else" he explained, simultaneously talking and munching with his mouth full.

Stolas stood up at the head end of the table.

"Yes my lovelies, I get the reigns this week" he announced. "Which is also the reason we are having breakfast together now." he eagerly beamed at his suitors. 

"I plan to have a single date with each one of you. 7 days, 7 dates, so everyone gets a chance to get to know me" he declared. Down the table Clyde cheered with his glass of orange juice, probably due to the fact he was finally going to have an actual date.

"I've written down your current seating place, to use as a random order" the prince said, turning to his left. "Damien, you and I are going on a date in the gardens this afternoon. The topiaries are in need of cutting, and I wish to show you Audrey, my favorite little plant" he informed the demon.

"Can't wait to have you all for myself~" the Incubus winked back at the Owl.

"I hope you got something more interesting planned for the rest of those dates" Vox declared from down the table, which he had now put his feet on. "Otherwise the Viewers are just gonna fall asleep" he stated, shoveling one big scoop of Blitzo special dip onto his plate.

**********************************

"Heya, Angel!" Blitzo called, jumping up from his seat in the west hall, to catch up to the spider.

The Imp had been sitting around bored, not really busy with anything. He'd tried to call Millie and Moxxie earlier, but had only gotten the answering machine. apparently the two of them had decided to take a few days off. Loona was also ignoring his texts, as usual. Thankfully Angel was here now to fend off the boredom.

The Pornstar, who had just returned from a jog, took off his headphones. "Eyyy my imp!" he greeted back. "Whatcha up to?"

"Epic evil schemes, as always" the smaller demon answered grinning. It wasn't even a lie. "I've been looking all round for you yesterday evening, thought we wanted to do some shots in honouring memory of Finn?" he asked the tall one. 

The spider immediately got a guilty expression on his face.

"Oh fuck i completely forgot. Penty showed me some of his machines yesterday. that dude has the craziest ideas!" Angel explained as he and the Blitzo started walking together.

"So it's 'Penty' now, huh?" the imp said, raising a judgemental eyebrow.

"Aw com' on, for being an idiot stuck in da past with some weird ass opinions, it's actually fun to talk ta him. Kinda cute when he tries to be ' _hip_ ' and ' _cool_ '." the spider grinned using quotation marks for the last words. Then his face got serious. 

"He really ain't that bad" he insisted. 

"Your funeral if you're talking to that victorian dumbass" the imp shrugged. They reached the wine cellar, and Blitzo decided to change the topic.

"Wanna catch up to those shots now?" he asked the porn star, gesturing to the heavy wooden door that led into every drunkard's heaven. He already knew the answer.

"Fuck yeah, let's go! One bottle for every night our sloth boy has been gone!" Angel yelled enthusiastically. They went in, and Blitzo pulled two glasses from the shelf at the entrance.

Angel was rubbing together his 4 hands in anticipation, looking among the rows of ancient expensive alcohol. "Now where do we start?”

**********************************

Stolas really enjoyed his date with Clyde. They were doing a tour through Hells Biggest Candy factory, guided by Vox's friend Velvet, since it was her domain. It had the added bonus of many snacks and samples along the way. The prince mustered Clyde, as the cat joyfully munched on a Bone Crisp Vanilla Cookie. Now that the royal prince had gotten the opportunity to talk to the lynx, the demon turned out to be a very open and warm being, who had still managed to end up in hell for some reason.

In another reality, the owl might have started to like him. But alas, the bird's thoughts were still occupied by Blitzo. The prince had a hard time focusing on the conversation with his date when his mind constantly drifted to the damned imp. The date with the little demon was tomorrow, and Stolas hoped Blitzy would like the thing he had planned. He wanted to make it special, and finally get to know the imp behind that massive distracting cock.

"Those are amazing! You should try some!'' The cat demon intervened the prince's thoughts, holding the sample plate underneath his date's beak. Absentmindedly, Stolas grabbed one of the yummy looking baked treats.

"Take all you want and more, I've got an entire factory full of it, all mine" Velvet giggled. She had acted more like a little girl during the tour, not like hells biggest supplier of diabetes. Though, the childlike acting bit sure fit the theme of a Sweets Overlord.

"At this rate you will have to roll both of us out of here" the lynx commented. Velvet giggled again while the Owl bit into his cookie, smiling at the thought of his date with Blitzy tomorrow. 

"See, told ya they are great" Clyde said, misinterpreting the smile.

Then the lynx wiped some crumbs off of his _#TeamCrybaby_ shirt "Can we get some more of those?" he asked the sweets overlord. 

"Of course sugar!" the candy girl replied "But not before you try out our newest product" she declared, leading them to a long row of workers pulling strings out of a big ball of half liquid, half hard candy mass. The workers, mostly imps, chopped the cooled down strings into lots of little pieces.

"It's Bomb-ass Blood Bonbons™!" Velvet cheerily declared, grabbing a handful of the little pieces from the workstation next to her. She offered them to the lynx and owl, who each grabbed one and put it in their mouths.

"They're so good I could start crying!" Clyde sighed dreamily after a few moments.

"You see, they are made out of actual demon blood" Velvet explained proudly. "Along with some bone and flesh bits. It's a neat way to get rid of demons who walk in my territory" she elaborated, still with a happy innocent smile on her face. 

Stolas snapped out of his thoughts at that "Wait what?" he said, taking out a handkerchief and spitting out his bonbon into it. Now that he got a closer look at the candy, he noticed the tiny pieces inside. Ugh.

"So that's why they taste so delightful!" Clyde declared, grabbing a few more of them out of the Grinning Overlords hands and storing them in his pockets for later. "I used to be a cannibal back when I was alive." he explained, turning to Stolas.

"Ah" the prince nodded. "That explains how you ended up down here. Been wondering about that" he said.

"It's a guilty pleasure" the lynx shrugged. "Nothing beats watching a soap opera and dining on someone's softly poached calf."

"I like your taste buddy" Velvet giggled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now i'm hungry...


	14. that's the Spirit

Next day, the imp was waiting at the plastered space in front of Stolas huge mansion. The owl had told him to meet him there at noon, and it was already 3 minutes past that time. 

Impatiently, the imp roamed about on the stones. Bored, he decided to start some shenanigans. With the tip of his tail, he tapped the shoulder of the cameramen next to him. The idiot fell for it and actually turned around.

Just then, the royal Bachelor finally made his appearance. He walked through the grass around the left side of the mansion. Blitzos' jaw hit the floor when he noticed what Stolas had in tow. 

The royal asshole was leading along two majestic beautiful horses. One of them had a gorgeous wine shade of red, with its mane of pure white tied into many little pigtails. The other one had a golden auburn color with some adorable sprinkles, and a long brown flowy mane waving through hells nefarious winds. As it went with horses in hell, they also had some additional features, like extra eyes, sharp spikes and even fangs to drink blood. That only made them even cuter though.

"Please excuse me being a tad late" The prince apologized. He and the horses had arrived at Blitzo's side, the imp still staring at the pretty creatures with an open mouth. Stolas noticed, of course, and seemed rather proud with himself. "Though you don't appear to mind much" he stated.

Finally closing his jaw, Blitzo went up to the horses and immediately started petting them.

"A colleague of mine has stables a few hours from here, which is where I borrowed these two lovelies from" the prince explained. "I would propose we take them on a ride back there?" he suggested.

"There's even more of them?" the imp asked, his eyes lighting up. "Let's fucking go already then!"

Stolas smiled and waved at the two horses "You pick."

Blitzo immediately pointed at the honey colored horse.

"This one!" he shouted. "She reminds me of Spirit!" he added, grabbing it's leash out of Stolas hand.

"Spirit?" the royal prick inquired. 

"Yeah, it's like the greatest movie of all time" the imp gave him a disbelieving look. "How can you not know it?" he asked, as they saddled up and guided their horses out of the ornate mansion gate, starting their trek towards the Southside of the pentagram.

~~~

They reached the ranch without much complications, just a small stop at the HotHead Cafe drive through. Or ride through, more like.

There was a big paddock, fenced in with barbed wire. In the back were a few sheds for bad weather. There were about a dozen magnificent horses, all in different colors, grazing around the area. Blitz and the prince rode directly into the enclosure, and got off of their trusty steeds.

"Look at all of them!" the imp beamed brightly, happy to be surrounded by these majestic creatures. The little demon went ahead and removed the bridle and saddle from his horse, which he'd jovially named Spirit Jr. during the ride.

"I've brought along a little something." Stolas said, tieing a sack off of his saddle bag. He opened it and handed it over to the imp. Blitzo looked inside, and found Apples, Carrots and some sugar cubes. 

"Epic!" he stated and immediately gave his riding horse, which was still standing next to him, a snack. She eagerly accepted the treat, and nuzzled the imp as a thank you. 

Blitzo laughed, petting the giant horse on the snoot. "Who's a good horsie? Yes! You are" he baby-voiced at the creature. Then he grabbed the sack and headed over to where the other ponies were standing. "Let's get your friends some food as well!" he told the golden horse, which promptly trotted after him.

Stolas was about to follow them, when suddenly, wheezing and gasping for air the camera team turned around the corner. Looked like they had finally arrived as well. They had been running after them on foot, constantly trying to catch up during the trip.

Seemed like Stolas had forgotten to tell them they'd need a car today. Ooops.

~~~

They'd been at the paddock for a few hours now, with Blitzo still eagerly feeding and chatting to the horses. Stolas stood a bit to the side, letting the little imp have his fun. It was amazing how much compassion he had for those creatures.

"Why do you like them so much?" he asked his date. 

"Just look at them."Blitzo stated, before he went off. "They were made to roam the realms. Going wherever they want, whenever with whoever and doing whatever." he stated, patting the side of the blue horse next to him. "Everyone should aspire to be a horse. To be wild and free" he sighed longingly.

Somehow, Stolas felt he could understand the imps point. Perhaps a little too well.

Suddenly, the imps eyes went wide. He seemed to have an idea, and sprinted off into the distance. 

"Where are you going?" the prince called after him.

"I'll do what has to be done!" Blitzo yelled back. He stopped at the wooden gate, and started fiddling with the rope that held it closed. After a few moments he managed to untie the tangle, and yeeted it open.

"You're free!!!" he yelled dramatically, spreading his arms and looking expectantly at the horses.

But nothing happened. The creatures just kept munching on the grass and some apples that had fallen out of the sack, not even glancing at their newfound path for freedom.

Blitzo waited for a few minutes, arms crossed and pouting. Not one of the horses had even walked into the direction of the open gate.

"I think they like it here" Stolas, who had walked up and had been silently standing next to the imp, spoke up. He wondered if the smaller demon was going to start shoving these horses out himself, since they were not moving on their own.

"They just don't know any better." Blitzo grumbled, shaking his head. "This stupid paddock is all they've ever seen. They don't know what they could have." he sighed.

Stolas mustered the little imp thoroughly. There really was more to him than meets the eye.

"Lets head back, Camio should be here with the limousine by now." he suggested. 

"Yeah alright" the imp agreed, looking back longingly to the herd on the grass one last time.

"But the gate stays open!" he demanded.

"Alright" Stolas agreed, chuckling.

**********************************

His Royal Highness was waiting in anticipation. The date today had been a great success, with Blitzy finally opening up a bit. Gushing about being wild and free, like a horse. Stolas could relate to the imps desire to be free without any responsibilities, just living in the day. 

Though the owl would have appreciated it if Blitzy had shared his attention with him as well instead of just the horses. Then again, the imps childish passion for said animals was rather adorable. Which was the reason the prince had decided to add a little cherry on top.

He had sent Camio to fetch the little demon after hours once again.

"Guess you're hungry for another ride, you horny old bird" Blitz said as he waltzed in, but then did a double take of the prince's bedroom. Lights were off. The couch had been placed in the middle of the chamber, and in front of it was a big TV, the only light source. Stolas sat on the couch in comfy looking pajamas, holding a giant bowl of popcorn.

"Perhaps later" the owl said, smiling at his favourite imp. "For now I'd like to invite you to a movie night. Consider it an extension of our date today" He said, patting the empty seat next to him.

"Alright..." Blitzo said, slowly walking over and plopping down on the cushions. "What are we watching?" he asked.

"A movie someone suggested to me recently" Stolas said, grinning mischievously and pressing the play button, and the opening theme of Spirit began to play.

~~~

His royal highness got to see another side of Blitzy, who was currently sniffling into his third? fourth? perhaps even fifth? handkerchief. The movie had only been playing for half an hour by this point.

Stolas was rubbing the imps back comfortingly.

It was nice to see him show some actual emotion, even though it was crying.

"It's just so mean." Blitzo sniffled at the screen. The mustang named Spirit had been tied to a pole, without getting any food or water for three days.

"It is certainly unfair. I think I understand now what you were doing at the ranch today." Stolas said, gently rubbing around the spikes on the imps back. The smaller demon grabbed another tissue from the family sized box next to him, blowing into it.

"They should be free" the Prince stated, leaning his head onto Blitzo's horns, snuggling just a tiny bit.

"Yeah, they should." the imp said, looking up and giving the royal a soft smile. 

Stolas felt like he was melting right then and there.

**********************************

"Ya got a little something stuck in ya teeth, sugarplum." Angel Dust pointed out, talking to Blitzo. They were chilling at the breakfast table, with no camera team in sight.

"Is it popcorn?" the Imp asked.

"Errr...No..." the spider answered slowly. Blitz prodded between his yellow teeth with his fingers. He managed to get a hold of the thing and pulled it out. It was a blue feather.

"Oh shit" he said quickly hiding it away. He checked for Angel's reaction. The damned pornstar was grinning widely at him.

"Guess you and bird boi were ' _horsing_ ' around yesterday" he mocked. "I have to say, you two make a cute pair." 

The imp couldn't help the small blush suddenly creeping up. Thankfully his face was already mostly red.

"No need to read too much into it. It's just sex" he said, and it came out a little more defensive than he'd liked.

"If you say so" the spider shrugged, not looking convinced. Then he leaned down towards his friend. "You know, I've also been trying to have some fun." he whispered conspiratinally.

"Don't tell me," Blitzo said, taking a wild guess. "you're trying to get that prude Pentious into bed?" he asked.

"Ding ding, correct!" Angel beamed. "I'm not sure if he's still a virgin, but he surely won't be after I'm done with him. Didya know that snakes have two dicks?" he asked Blitzo, grinning widely. 

The imp shrugged.

"Whatever, I'm more of a top." he stated, taking a sip of his iced coffee.

"We all got our preferences, but you should try it out sometime" the spider said standing up and turning to leave. He stopped in the doorframe and looked back to the imp.

"Oh and Blitzo, sugar?"

"Yes?" the small demon looked up.

"If you could keep this between Penty and me to ya self, that'd be sweet. I don't wanna scare him off" the spider said, seeming a little more serious than usual.

The imp shook his head, wondering about his friend's sanity. "You have the worst taste dude" he called after the pornstar walking out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you haven't watched Spirit yet, you should!!! great movie!!!
> 
> FYI, not only snakes, but lizards, sharks and stingrays have two dicks as well


	15. smooch galore

Stolas was reading Fifty shades of Red. It was just getting to the good part, where the main character was tied up with some zip ties. He was imagining himself and Blitzy, in the current scenario. Oh what he wouldn't give right now to be tied to a bedpost! The imp would take out the whip, and then-

Suddenly, he was ripped out of his literature by the door creaking open. Hastily, the Owl Prince threw away the book.

"Oh, hey sweetie!” he greeted his daughter.

Octavia stalked in, and sat next to her father on the couch.

"So" she began. "You've been quite busy lately" she stated, looking up at her dad. 

The prince shifted guiltily and sighed.

"Yes, between the show and my royal duties I've been very preoccupied." he admitted. "I am sorry for not spending enough time with you these past few weeks my dear" he apologized to the smaller owl.

Via made a dismissive gesture. "It's fine pops, you're on an important mission to find your one true love after all" she said, with some sarcasm. 

"How's that going by the way?" she inquired. 

"Surprisingly well, though not as I had expected" Stolas told her. He rubbed his temples.

"I find myself thinking a lot about, well, let's say my favourite suitor so far" he disclosed.

"Ohhh" Octavia perked up "You're talking about that imp" she stated, giving him a grin.

"You know!!!" Stolas gasped, looking at his daughter with wide eyes. "How?!"

She snickered.

"Saw him sneaking out of your bedroom sometime last week" she explained to her shocked and slightly embarrassed looking father. "almost went and called security, but then I remembered the look you've been giving him" The small owl shrugged.

The royal prince gave her a scoff "I do not have a 'look!" he pouted.

The teen crossed her arms. "Yes you do!" 

**********************************

"Guys, I had a weird dream last night. I fell from a balcony and smashed a cake in the middle of some fancy tea party" Blitzo told his employees. He was chilling in the grass in the royal gardens, video phoning with the imp crew. 

So far it had been quite the week, but time was running short for the book swap. He'd have to use the opportunity tonight, when Stolas was away during his nightly murder-mystery-dinner-date with that dumb Pentious.

"Sounds like something you'd manage to do" Moxxie commented drily. The three employees were scooped up on the old office couch.

"Say Boss, did you take the coffee mug with our wedding photo on it?" Millie asked. "Cuz Mox and I have been searching for it for weeks now."

"No idea where it is." Blitzo shrugged. He was lying of course, the cup had been placed on the secret pile of Millies and Moxxies things, locked away securely in the safe below the imps desk.

"Guess we'll just have to order a new one" Moxxie sighed.

"Hey, speaking of wedding photos" Loona said, looking up from her phone to her dad. "When are you and that stupid bird gonna get hitched? The way you're making googly eyes at each other?" she snickered, knowing it would piss Blitzo off.

"Oh shut up" her dad said, annoyed. "I'd rather get my dick stuck in a blender, thank you very much" he spat, though the vitriol behind his words was quite lacking. 

He lowered his voice a little as he saw Wilhelm strutting past on a path a few feet away.

"I'll swap the books tonight and then it's back to the sweet smell of shit and homeless people of imp city again." he said to his crew, determined. 

"You're still coming to pick it up on monday Loony? Just remember, they moved the date back a day, after elimination." he told his daughter.

"Maybe I'll show up, if I feel like it" she answered, though for Loona standards it was as much of a yes as you could get.

"Can't wait to finally have you back, Boss" Millie said. "It's gonna be fun traveling into the living world. Me and Mox made a little list of the places we want to visit." she said. 

"There's so many musicals we can go watch" her husband daydreamed. "Did you know there's 3 different versions of _The Wizard of Oz_ on earth?" he informed them.

"Ugh how can you even stand him gushing about that musical theatre stuff all the time? he clearly doesn't know what the good shit is!" Blitzo asked Millie, rubbing his head in annoyance.

"It's a question of good taste and culture, Sir." Moxxie retorted "Not that you'd have any."

**********************************

Quietly, Blitzo locked the door of the dusty tiny broom closet behind him. He had made his way through the castle after midnight once again. It was time to finally get that grimoire. 

Securing the replacement book beneath his arm, he hoisted himself down onto the Royals balcony, with the same strategy as last time. He quickly unlocked the glass stained door and immediately scooted into the Study room.

For a short moment, his heart sank when he saw that the place in the bookshelf where the old grimoire used to be was empty. But then he turned to look at the massive desk, and thank Satan, there was that stupid piece of literature. 

He walked up and ghosted over the black and golden cover with his claws. This was it, time to grab the prize that he'd endured three weeks of this dumb shitshow for.

The imp peeled the " _The building of Imp City: A History_ " cover off of the fake, and went to carefully attach it to the original. Then he swapped them, securing the real spellbook under his arm. 

Now back out onto the balcony and back up the blanket rope to the dusty broom closet. 

Safely back up in the small dark room, he checked the time. It had been a quick affair, and hadn't even taken him 10 minutes. He untied his self made rope, folding the blankets neatly together and storing it in the cabinet, onto a stack with similar fabric already inside.

The imp took a moment to congratulate himself on this epic, well thought out plan. Maybe they'd write a book about him and his awesome scheme someday, or even do a movie. With his new priceless possession he started the trek back to his chamber.

~~~

The trip back went well, at least until he rounded the corner to the kitchen. 

He came to a sudden halt. There stood Prince Stolas, in his usual posh get up, inspecting a fork from the cutlery drawer. Wasn't the fucker supposed to still be on his date???

Before Blitzo could come to his senses and turn around, the royal looked up and spotted him. Him and the shoddily disguised grimoire he was holding. _Shit._

"Oh Blitzy, how delightful!" he cheered at the imp, placing the silverware back.

Blitzo was currently fighting the urge to just run away. ' _Play it cool, just don't let the prick look at the book_ ' he thought. "Heyyyyyy, didn't expect to see you here this late" He nervously answered, slowly placing the hand holding the grimoire behind his back.

"Yes, I'm afraid my date was a rather short one. The murder mystery was solved too quickly and efficiently, sadly. I went by here to see if any of you were still awake." the prince explained. 

Then he gave his favorite imp a seductive smile "Seems I'm lucky" he added, walking towards Blitzo. Oh nononono bad. The imp casually scooted over, trying to get some space between them as unsuspiciously as possible.

"What were you doing up so late, my dear?" the prince inquired, still waltzing in his direction. Blitzo's back and the book hit the back of the big island counter in the middle of the luxurious kitchen. End of the line. Fuck.

The royal bastard stopped in front of him and leaned to the side to see what the imp had in his hand.

"Oh, that is the book your daughter brought you, right?" he asked. Blitzo gulped. "Um... yeah.... I've been doing some midnight reading" the small demon said, hoping that the sweat running everywhere was just his imagination.

"It- It's just nicer to read when everyone else is asleep. No one to interrupt you." he continued, hoping that Stolas would just swallow that.

"Oh, I perfectly understand" the royal prick agreed. Then he bowed down to eye level, mustering the imp.

"You seem so tense, something wrong?" he noticed, becoming concerned. Ah crap, so much for Blitzo's poker face.

"It's fine it's just..." the imp paused for a moment, looking down at the floor and trying to find an excuse. Before he could come up with something though, Stolas went ahead and grabbed him below his arms, gently hoisting the small demon onto the counter.

The Owl had his hands on the momentarily confused imps shoulders.

"You know you can talk to me, dear. Please, tell me the truth" the Owl said, face mere inches away from the slightly panicked one of his counterpart. It was like the four red glowing eyes were looking right through the imp. Blitzo's mind raced as to what to tell the Prince to get him off track. He had to think of something fast!

"It's welllll... I'm..." he stammered. Argh! he cursed at himself. Just say something! What would convince the privileged dick? What would distract from the book?!

"I... I think I'm falling in love with you" he pressed out.

Silence followed, the Prince looking at him with wide eyes. Blitzo was kind of shocked himself. Had he really just said that!? Couldn't he just have come up with something like 'I think I'm coming down with a flu' instead? And why was he getting that idea now, that it was too late? Why did he have to say this mushy bullshit instead?

Before the imps thoughts could spiral any further, he was torn out of his inner monologue by a gloved hand propping up his chin. He saw Stolas looking intensely at him, his beak curving into a soft smile.

"Blitzy you don't know how glad I am" he whispered, and before the imp had any chance to react, the Owl leaned forward, and connected their mouths.

_Oh shit_ , the imp thought. While he had slept with the prick a few times, they'd never actually kissed before. He had to admit, it was rather nice, just a bit awkward with the birds beak in the way. Involuntarily, he found himself reciprocating the affection.

Fuck, He'd managed to swap out the books, he was supposed to get the stupid bird to kick him out soon. Yet here he was now, smooching the royal asshole. Blitzo should have stopped, but honestly, he didn't want to.

Instead he dropped the grimoire still in his hands to the side onto the counter, and waved his arms around the Prince. One around the slim waist and one buried in the fluffy feathers on the back of Stolas head. He could feel the thrill of joy vibrating through the Owl as he leaned his face sideways to deepen the kiss. The Prince was holding the imps face in both of his hands, grasping as if he was afraid to let go. They continued on like this for a while, the kiss slowly turning into a rather messy make out session.

Blitzo had just started to work open the button on the Royals coat, with the Owl eagerly pecking at his neck when they were interrupted.

  


"What the fuck!" Quentin shouted, standing in the doorway with just his pajama pants on. Both Stolas and Blitzo shot up and turned to the shark, looking like deers caught in the headlight.

"You can't be serious, Your Highness" Quentin began, flabbergasted. "You? and the Imp? On the kitchen counter?" Then he quickly marched up to them, pointing accusingly at Blitzo. 

"You worthless scum, what have you done? Probably put a spell on His Highness!" he yelled, enraged. "You're not gonna get away with this" he declared, grabbing a rolling pin and stomping towards them.

"Oh fuck off" the imp shouted, rolling his eyes. Stolas stepped between Blitzo and the shark, holding out his hands.

"First of all, you put that thing down right now!" the Prince demanded. Slowly, Quentin let his raised arm sink, the kitchen utensil scattering to the ground unused. 

"Second, no one can bewitch me in any form. I'm a Goetic Prince, Satan damn it, you guys always seem to forget that" he said rubbing his temple. His hat had fallen off at some point during the makeout session.

Quentin bowed his head. "I am absolutely sorry, your highness" he apologized. "But you clearly deserve someone much better than-" he pulled a disgusted grimace "that sorry ugly excuse of an imp." 

"Hey, I can hear you, you fucker!" Blitzo yelled, shaking up his hand at the shark and showing him the middle finger. Stolas sighed, stepping closer to Quentin.

"Please look at me" he requested from the finned demon. The shark obliged immediately, turning to Stolas. 

"Look I'm just saying that-" he began, but he didn't get any further as the Prince snapped his fingers in front of his small beady eyes. A wave of purple mist was now floating around Quentins head.

"You will forget everything you have seen here tonight. And you will go to your bed now and sleep till dawn" The owl ordered.

"Yes your Highness" the shark answered in a monotone voice, turning around and stalking away, obeying the order.

"Didn't know you could do that" Blitzo whistled impressed, still sitting on the counter and dangling his feet, the grimoire now hidden behind his back again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o3o ❤️ O,O


	16. another one bites the dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfghj sry, the next two chapters ended up being rather short

"It's time, loverbird!" Vox said, poking his head in the fancy dressing room Stolas was currently getting ready in. The Owl checked himself in the three sided mirror, deeming his attire appropriate enough.

"Who are you gonna kick today?" the TV asked. He had returned to the mansion just in time for this week's elimination.

"You are not getting a heads up friend" Stolas stated, turning towards the other. "But feel free to take a guess," he offered. Vox thought for a moment as the two of them made their way out towards the mansions stairs.

"I feel it's either gonna be that Sir Pentious one or the imp" he suggested. Stolas felt mighty insulted that his friend had suggested Blitzo as an option, though he didn't say anything.

They stepped out into the dark hell night, walking past the remaining 7 suitors who had been neatly lined up by the camera team already. The prince took his usual place at the bottom of the stairs, while Vox started yelling into the camera, back in his element as if he'd never been gone.

~~~

This time the last two candidates remaining were Quentin, and, to his own surprise, Blitzo.

The two of them and Stolas were standing down the stairs, just like last night in the kitchen.

Vox was waspishly walking up and down in front of them. "One of you messed up this week! Who's it gonna be Stol? The handsome shark or the greasy crooked imp?" the tv mocked, leaning down towards the imp hed just insulted, giving a slimy smirk.

Blitzo stuck out his tongue at the Overlord, accompanied by a bit of spit. That had the desired effect of Vox getting back up and putting some space between himself and the imp, walking over to Quentin instead. 

"Hey buddy, you got this" the TV assured him.

"I know I do" the shark grinned self assuredly. Stolas who had silently been watching, gestured for the shark to step forward. Grinning and showing off his sharp teeth, the fish stepped up.

"Quentin, please hand me back your feather" The prince said without preamble, holding out his hand. The shark seemed rather surprised, staring at the Prince's open outstretched palm.

Blitzo was not sure how to feel about this. One one hand, he had definitively not expected the royal prick to kick him off yet. On the other one, now that he had the book, currently safely hidden away in his suitcase, he might as well have been kicked out now, and taken the damn grimoire home himself.

"What" the shark said puzzled, clearly not having expected this.

"But why?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"I have my reasons." Stolas said, but refused to elaborate any further. A moment of silence ensued.

"Pah" Quentin finally spat, throwing his feather to the ground "Your loss!" he said, stomping away into the night.

Vox looked after him, pulling a sad face. "Awww man, that dude was my favorite" he lamented. 

"You just like him because he is a shark" Stolas stated reproachfully.

"Hey, that's a valid reason!" The TV argumented. The prince just shook his head and then turned to Blitzo.

"Will you keep your feather?" he asked him, not being able to stop a miniscule smile from creeping onto his face.

"Sure" The imp answered with a shrug.

With the elimination now being over, Vox walked in front of the camera.

"Alright folks that's it for tonight! Tune in again soon, cuz we will have something really special in store for next week" the TV announced eagerly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bye bye shark boi


	17. shirts

He stared at Loona walking in. "Are you serious?" he asked his daughter when she reached him, pointing at her top. She was wearing a black t-shirt with Blitzo's face on it. Written beneath it was _#TeamBlitzo_ , the print that all of the Helluva Bachelor merch shirts had on them.

"Knew you'd hate it" She said grinning at her Dad, plopping down her bag and sitting down in the chair opposite of him. Blitzo mustered the hellhound, shaking his head in disbelief of his daughter's betrayal. She went roaming about in her handbag, and pulled out a folded t-shirt with the same print as her own, only a few sizes smaller.

"Here" she said, throwing the clothing in Blitzo's lap. "Got one for you too" she snickered. The imp picked up the offending piece of cloth with the tips of his fingers, giving it a disgusted one over. 

"Why?" he asked her, looking distraught.

"We got a package deal, one for everyone at IMP. Financed by company budget!" she explained the existence of the atrocious piece of cloth. Then she got a mischievous look on her face "We also got you a body pillow of the royal asshole for when you're back, you're welcome" she added as a cherry on top. 

Blitzo shook his head in disbelief. He should never have trusted his employees!!! 

"And Moxxie tells me I'm the one wasting money" he muttered. He was going to burn this merch at first chance, once he was back. Loona shifted a little in her seat, leaning closer to her dad.

"So, are you done reading the book i brought you?" Loona asked, a bit cryptic, since they were sitting right next to Clyde and his visiting sister today. 

Oh right, Blitz had almost forgotten about the grimoire. "Yeah I'm done" he said, checking that his Royal Horniness wasn't anywhere in listening range, and handed the book over to the hellhound. 

"You can take it back home" he stated, watching as Loona slipped it into her handbag. 

They continued to chat a bit about the new coffee shop that opened down the street from their office, and made some fun of Moxxie before the hour was over. Then Loona left, the book hidden away in her bag. 

~~~

_This is it_ , Blitzo thought after his phone had buzzed with the message that his daughter had made it out of the castle, with the grimoire still in her possession.

Time to work on getting kicked out of the show. 

This might actually be the hardest part of the plan yet, with the obsession the Prince seemed to have with him. Should he start being mean, or just ignore the bird all together? He could have left on his own volition too, of course, but that could've been suspicious, after that night in the kitchen. He'd have to get into the birds' bad graces gradually, otherwise the royal might catch on.

**********************************

Yawning, the imp stalked over to the fridge, looking for the pack of iced coffee. He poured the lifesaving liquid into a mug, added a few extra ice cubes, and headed over to the counter to sit next to Angel. 

"Hey! What's up? " the pornstar asked as the imp climbed up the barstool. 

"I'm fucking tired, that's what's up." Blitzo stated. 

"Say, I saw ol' Camio at your door yesterday? What was that about?" the spider asked. 

Blitzo just grunted instead of answering. Last night, the Prince had sent the butler to his door, to fetch him once again. This time the imp had simply declined, saying he wanted a good night's sleep instead. It was a start in getting the royal douche to dislike him.

"Guess what you fuckers!" Vox yelled, as he suddenly strutted into the kitchen. He signaled for the candidates to come and gather around him. The remaining six guys shuffled around the counter Blitzo and Angel were sitting at, surrounded by cameras as usual. 

"This week we're going full cliche!" the TV began. 

"There's gonna be a big masquerade ball here at Bachelor Castle!" he informed them, spreading out his arms and purposefully knocking over the mug with Blitzo's iced coffee. What a Bastard. 

"You mean we'll hold one of Stolas famous partys here?" Wilhelm asked, seeming very excited. The rest of the suitors were thrilled as well, except for the imp who was mourning his daily dose of caffeine, lying in a puddle on the ground. 

"Yes, we will be totally busy with preparing everything here at the mansion, so no dates until the big event!" Vox told them. The TV pressed his hands together. 

"You idiots better dress up nicely, cuz we're going to have a lot of high ranking guests showing up! A little birdie told me even our head honcho, Lucifer, is gonna be there" he announced, grinning brightly. 

All of them were looking rather shocked at the premise of hell's most powerful demon attending the party. Well, everyone except for Wilhem, who, as a part of nobility, was used to these kinds of exclusive events. 

"It'll be nice to meet ol' Lucy again" he said, a self assured smirk on his green lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, poll time: do you guys want me to upload the drawings i did for this fanfic on my social media?


	18. preparations

"Ya know what the good thing is?" Angel asked his counterpart. 

Sir Pentious raised an eyebrow in question. "What is it?" he inquired. 

"Ya can't accidentally step on ma feet" the spider giggled. They were currently in the ball hall, taking dancing lessons. The Bachelor candidates had been paired up with each other.

Across the room, Blitz was dancing with Damien and cursing about the height difference. It was near impossible to twirl the other demon around, let alone even reach his shoulders. 

"Hey, youre doing great sexy!'' The incubus encouraged him. "No need to pull that frowny face!"

"I'd like to see you try and lift up someone double your size" the imp snapped back, clearly at the end of his patience. As if anyone was going to dance with him at that stupid ball. This was a complete waste of time. 

"Maybe we could swap, you let me take the lead?" the tall, bronze colored son of a bitch suggested. 

"No." Blitzo said grumpily. He had been in quite the shitty mood recently, though he wasn't sure as to why. Everything was going great, wasn't it?

~~~

They had a quick break, after which they would continue with even more dancing lessons. Ugh Great. 

He was sitting on the floor chomping on some sandwiches with Angel Dust and, much to his dismay, Sir Pantyhose. 

"You looked like you were struggling quite a bit imp." the snake stated, mustering the small demon with all of his eyes. It was annoying that the victorian douche thought just because he was friends with Angel now, he'd get to act all buddy buddy with Blitzo as well. The imp hadn't forgotten the way the snake had acted at the start of this endeavor.

"None of your business, you limp noodle" he barked, joined by a few pieces of breadcrumbs flying out of his mouth. Satan please let that idiot shut up.

"Yeah honey, ya looked rather sad out there" Angel agreed, biting into his sandwich. "Maybe you could dance with the little egg boi over there?" he suggested, chomping. 

"Swell Idea!" Pentious chimed in. "He is closer to your size than any of us." 

To the right side of the snake, egg boi nr. 13s eyes grew wide. "Oh! I always wanted to learn dancing, boss!" the little shit perked up excitedly, clapping its tiny hands.

"Oh fuck off" the imp said and stood up to go and sit somewhere else. On the way he grabbed a broom off the floor.

"I'll go dance with this dumb stick instead, he's less annoying than any of you" he announced, walking away.

"Eh, don't mind him Penty, he's been in a bad mood recently." Angel said, swallowing the last of his lunch. Then he grinned at the edgelord. "Let's continue practicing ya _'limp noodle'_!" he laughed, and grabbed the snake's hand, leading him back out on the dance floor.

The eggboi was left alone, sitting on the ground. The minion sighed sadly, Poking the crumbs left of Angel's sandwich with his small stubby fingers.

**********************************

"We should be more careful!" Moxxie stated, as he watched Loona slap the grimoire on the I.M.P. meeting room table with full force.

"Calm your man tits Moxxie, that thing has magic, it'll be fine." she said, rolling her eyes. 

"Don't say that to my husband, you know he's sensitive!" Millie complained as she went and opened the book, flicking to the page which explained the necessary pentagram drawing.

"I'm sensitive as well!" the hellhound stated poutily. She crossed her arms in the Boss's seat she was currently in.

"Yeah sure." Mox said, crossing his arms as well. 

Meanwhile Millie had drawn a neat looking pentagram onto the wall.

"Okay guys, that's our first trip to the living world. Lets go!" she yelled eagerly, before slapping her hand onto the book. 

With a whoosh, a flame ring appeared, through which the imp crew was staring into a bright blue sky with some puffy white clouds. The crew, only used to hell's red sky and the occasional human movie depicting the other world, stared through the hole in awe.

"Wow, it's so bright! How do humans stand that shit?" Loona wondered.

Then Millie, the brave one, took the first step to the other side. Only to disappear with a _splosh_. 

Panicking, Moxxie leaned through the portal, looking after his wife. "Millie! Where'd you go?!" he yelled, on the brink of having an anxiety attack. 

Just then she bobbed back to the surface, spitting out some water. 

"I think this is an Ocean" she declared, looking around. Nothing but blue water everywhere.

"Oh dear! "Moxxie said, as he leaned down to help his wife climb back through the flaming hole. "We might have to test a bit to get the portal to open up where we want to." the small imp said.

Meanwhile, Loona had snapped a picture of her wet coworker, laughing loudly at her misery.

At that, Millie casually leaned back out of the portal and scooped up some seawater, before throwing it in the hellhounds direction. It landed with a satisfying splash.

"Hey!" Loona complained, patting her now wet fur. 

"Thought you could use a wash" Millie said, sweetly smiling. 

That had the hellhound growling and suddenly, she jumped at her coworker. The momentum sent both of them back through the portal and into the ocean, with some water swapping over into their meeting room. 

Moxxie just sighed at the puddle and went to grab some towels.

  
  


**********************************

They were all sitting together today, surrounded by glue, neon paint, buckets filled with feathers n pellets, and various other colorful shit. Since the big event was supposed to be a mask ball, Vox's grand idea had been to have them handcraft their masks themselves. 

Blitzo had managed to get some sequins glued stuck to his fingers and could. simply. not. get. them. off!

He was wildly shaking his hands, hoping they'd just fall off at some point. Nope, those little glittery fuckers kept on sticking.

Without warning, red mist enveloped the imps hands, and the pesky little shits finally fell off. 

"There you go! " Stolas trilled, as he walked up to his favorite imp. 

Blitzo groaned internally. He'd denied and ignored the Owls advances for the past few days, with little to no results. The prince had sent Camio each night, and each night, the imp had turned the bird down. 

The Royal assholes persistence was getting quite annoying. Right now he was leaning over Blitzo's shoulder, looking at the mask the imp was crafting together shoddily.

"Maybe you should concentrate on your own mask?" Blitzo suggested coldly to the prince. 

"Don't be silly! I am already done, see?" the owl said and held up a gorgeous mask, with gold glitter, feathers, curlicues and all that shit. Way nicer than the lost cause the imp was working on. Blitzo suppressed the urge to slap it out of the prince's hands. The nerve of that guy.

Thankfully, Camio peeked through the door right that moment. "A call for you, your highness" he said. 

Stolas sighed and went outside to take care of whatever royal business he had. 

As soon as the door had closed behind the Prince, Vox shot up from his seat. 

"Okay, fuckers, now that the main attraction is gone, listen up!" he called them, throwing an entire bucket of glitter into the room and over their still drying masks to get their attention. 

"We're gonna spice up the ball a bit." The TV said, grinning.

"I want you idiots to reveal your deepest, darkest, raunchiest secret to all of the guests at the end of the party." he inculated them. 

"And don't you dare come at me with some half assed random trivia, it's gotta be entertaining!" he made clear. 

"What if we don't have a big secret?" Clyde asked, cutting through some red fabric. 

"Honey, you're in hell, you have some alright" Damien said next to him, scratching his nails. 

"Oh my, this is gonna be interesting." Wilhem said, looking at his competition. His gaze went from Pentious, over to Angel and finally stopped at the imp. 

"What does such a small ugly creature like you still have to hide?" the grinch said, nastily grinning down at the smaller demon. 

Blitzo just stuck out his tongue at the dumb noble and continued to work on his mask. 

But the grinch had a point, the imp was wondering about what the fuck he was supposed to share at that stupid ball…. 

Then he thought of Loona and had a great idea. That one might just work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you have your mask ready for the ball


	19. this ain't no cinderella

The ballroom was filled with the widest variations of demons one had ever seen. All dressed in posh and over the top attire. It seemed a lot of them had taken the opportunity to make a small appearance in the Helluva Bachelor show. It was currently one of the most watched shows in hell, ever since its airing episode. 

As it seemed, even the denizens of this wretched place had an interest in something as kitschy as this dating nonsense.

Much to Blitzo's dismay, whoever had set up the tables had used the same ones from the opening night. The white fancy cocktail tables were so high that the imp could stand beneath them without even scratching his horns. 

It also made smalltalk that much harder, not that he had much interest in that. Instead he was looking through the crowd, trying to recognize as many of the demons as possible. 

Even though everyone was wearing masks, they were more for decorative purposes and less to hide someone's identity.

Octavia, the Prince's daughter, was chatting with some of the von Eldritchs. They seemed pretty young, probably the niece and nephew of Wilhelm. Helsa and Seviathan, if he remembered correctly. 

Most of Hell's nobility was present today, as well as the Overlords. Even the elusive Radio demon had shown up, prancing about with his microphone. And oh, there was Stolas, talking to the King of hell himself, Lucifer.

The apple themed,completely white dressed ruler of the underworld was a lot smaller than Blitzo had expected. 

A little further down the line were the three V's, Vox Velvet and Valentino, currently doing some expensive looking shots.

"Eyyy my dude" a familiar voice called at the imp from the side. Surprised the small demon turned around.

"OMG Finn!?" he greeted the grey haired sloth, surprised. He was standing next to him, dressed in a slightly crumbled blue suit. 

"Good to see you again! Can't believe they'd let you back in here" he babbled, glad to see his friend again.

The hairy demon laughed "Yea bro, it's good to see u too. They sent us losers invitations as well." he scratched his beard for a moment. "I think I saw Quentin and Charles too somewhere, sulking around and loudly complaining." 

The imp rolled his eyes. "Ugh i don't need to see those two again... Let's go find Angel instead!" Blitz proposed, and off they went.

~~~

"Quite the party Stolas, as usual" Lucifer said, looking around the large pompously decorated hall. "You haven't held a ball since your divorce" he stated, though it was more of a question to the Owl. 

The prince swirled his champagne glass. "Yes, I didn't feel like throwing a party these last few months" he admitted. Even though he and his wife had agreed that parting ways would be for the best, the feeling of being alone afterwards had been overwhelming at times. He was very thankful that Via had decided to stay with him at the castle.

"Heads up, you've got some great times ahead of ya!" Lu said, slapping the prince on the arm. "Gonna have a handsome fellow by your side at the end of this" he smiled.

Stolas managed to give a weak smile back, as his thoughts drifted involuntarily towards Blitzy. Everything had seemed to be going so well since their nightly tête-à-tête in the kitchen, with the imp confessing to his growing feelings. But for some reason he had been rather distant lately, almost as if he was avoiding him. The Prince wondered if he'd done something wrong.

"People have started betting pools all around the nine circles by the way." Lucifer disclosed. 

"They what?" Stolas asked, staring at his friend with wide eyes. 

"Oh come on, it was bound to happen sooner or later" the Ruler of hell said, shrugging his shoulders. "Everyone is going around speculating, and there are some crazy theories out there which one of these idiots you're gonna pick."

The prince shook his head "Oh dear" he muttered. While the Owl was used to being in the spotlight, all of hell theorizing and analyzing him wasn't something he felt quite comfortable with. Well, he should've thought about that before he had agreed to Vox's idea.

"I'm sure you're going to pick the right one. Just remember your Status when you're choosing" the apple themed devil reminded him, side eyeing some of the lower born servants scooting around and serving the drinks. 

"But I'm sure you know what's appropriate, right friend?" a slight threat loomed behind his words. There was, after all, the Status Quo that the King of Hell liked to maintain.

Stolas managed to keep a neutral face as the Devil pierced him with his gaze. As things currently stood, there was only one choice he'd be happy with. And Lucifer, Ruler of the Underworld, would dislike that choice very very much.

"If you will excuse me now, there are some lovely gentlemen out there waiting for a dance" Stolas said, gazing through the hall trying to spot one of his suitors as an excuse to leave the conversation. Ah, there was Wilhelm just walking towards them.

"Would you like to dance with me?" the Owl said quickly, strutting towards him and stretching out his gloved palm.

"Gladly!" the grinch pompously agreed, before turning to Lucifer. "I suppose I'll talk to you later then, friend" he apologized. 

"Quite alright, you two go and have fun" the Boss of Hell said, back to his cheery old self. He even gave them a wink. 

"I got my money on you Willy, better not disappoint me" Lucifer called after them.

~~~

Meanwhile, Angel was talking to Charlie, Princess of Hell. She had come to him actually, and had begun gushing to him about her current project, a hotel or something. 

"Me and Vaggie have been cleaning up the place, and we're still looking for our first customer" she declared excitedly "We thought you might be interested!" 

"So what's the goal again?" the spider inquired. 

"To get sinners to heaven! No more horrible exterminations" the cheerful girl replied. Then she smirked. "Though it would also include free food and housing!" she offered. 

Angel glanced over, to where Valentino was standing, chatting with some other overlords and making some vulgar gestures. If the spider was honest, he'd had enough of the fucking moth's stupid pimping. Sex work just wasn't fun anymore, and he'd felt much better during his time here, at the mansion, far away from all that shit. Maybe this hotel could be an opportunity to get out?

"I'll think about it." he told the princess.

"Awesome" she beamed at him, seemingly vibrating. Next to her, Finn was laying head down on the table, snoring loudly. 

"What's wrong with him?" the princess of hell asked.

Angel just shrugged his shoulders "Drugs."

~~~

Blitzo was just on the way back from the bathroom, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Looking around he found himself face to face with Prince Stolas, who he'd been successfully avoiding thus far.

"Uh hey" he greeted, trying to find an excuse to leave.

"Would you like to dance?" the royal requested promptly, holding out his hand.

"What?" Blitzo asked, confused. Why would the royal asshole want to dance with him in front of all of those fancy schmucks?!

"I would like to dance with each of my suitors at least once, come on" the prince declared, grabbing the imp before he had the chance to get away, dragging him onto the dancefloor. Ugh great. No way for Blitzo to get out of this one.

They settled in the middle of the fancy parquet, under the judgemental gaze of most of the other party goers that were swaying around. The imp ignored them, reluctantly clasping the prince's gloved hand with his own and putting the other up on the bird's hips.

Blitzo tried to remember what they had said in the dancing lessons. Was it two steps forward with one to the side, or one forward with two to the side? 

The dancing went as well as it could, with their height difference and all. Turns out the training had actually helped a bit, who would've thought. 

It was actually kind of fun, though Blitzo would never admit that. All those fancy rich fuckers around them staring in disbelief managed to put a smirk on the imps face. Hah! What were they going to do about it!!!

But then, caught in the moment, the imp went to swirl the prince around with so much force that the royal owl actually bonked his head onto the floor.

"Oh Shit!" the shocked imp cursed, while feeling the air around him heat up with angry glances from all the people dancing alongside them.

Stolas just laughed, standing back up and rubbing his head. "Quite the energy my dear!" he said and went to grasp the imps hip. "But i suppose you should let me lead instead."

"Hrmph" Blitzo grunted under his breath as the next song started playing, with the Prince still holding on to him.

~~~

"Did you see that Via?!" Helsa breathed in, outraged. "That imp literally just smashed your dad's head into the floor!" she pulled a disgusted grimace. 

"Who does he think he is!" Seviathan added.

Octavia just shrugged her shoulders, knowing her dad favored the little chaotic demon. "At least he's not as boring as the others" she stated, taking a sip of apple juice.

"I hope you don't find me one of the boring ones, your highness" Wilhelm inquired, walking up to them. "Hopefully you kids enjoy the evening" he said smiling. 

"Hello Uncle!" he was greeted by Seviathan and Helsa.

"I still find it ridiculous that you are partaking in something as childish as this show" his niece declared, giving her relative a disappointed gaze. 

Both her brother and Octavia got a wide grin at her words. "I seem to recall you intensely watching every episode of this ' _childish show_ ', my dear sister" Seviathan said. 

Via put her hands to her hips "And weren't you practically begging me for details earlier?" she added, raising a questioning eyebrow at her friend.

"Slander!" Helsa declared, making a dismissive gesture "Don't believe any word they say uncle!"

"Why I would never!" Wilhem reassured her, though he couldn't suppress a snicker.

"You can admit you like it though. I finally got to talk to Lucifer just now, and even he watches it."

Then he leaned closer to them, whispering quietly "He also has a _#TeamEldritch_ shirt and mug, but you didn't hear that from me" he disclosed.

"Well obviously, you're the only good choice from this pack of losers!" Helsa declared, with Sev nodding along approvingly. 

Octavia looked to the dance floor, where her dad was still swaying around with Blitzo. The answer wasn't always the most obvious choice, apparently.

~~~

A few hours later, after midnight, a somewhat drunk Vox climbed onto the stage. "Alright ladies, gentlemen and everything in between" he began. "It's time for the highlight of tonight's evening. We're gonna call up one of the suitors at a time, and they'll each tell us a juicy secret about themselves!" 

The crowd howled loudly at that. 

"After that total embarrassment in front of everyone, Stolas gets to decide who he pities the most, and take him on a date tomorrow." the TV finished his explanation, signaling for the Prince to come up and join him on the stage. 

"We're gonna start off with our smallest one!" he continued once the Owl was at his side. "Blitzo, get your scrawny red ass up here!" 

There were actually some boos in the crowd as the imp got upstage and took the mic.

"For the last time you stupid square headed bitch, the o is silent." Blitzo said glaring at Vox. 

Then he turned towards Stolas, hoping that his idea of throwing the dumb bird off track was gonna work.

"So there's something I've been keeping secret." He began, looking directly into Stolas eyes. 

"I've lived with it for years now, never telling a soul. It's not easy to come out with it tonight but…. I..." He made a long dramatic pause, enjoying the attention of everyone in the room being on him. He put on the saddest, most pitiful face manageable and continued.

"I have Syphilis" he lied.

Silence in the room, as Stolas eyes went wide in surprise.

"Don't all of you imps have those diseases anyway?" Vox asked, looking bored. "That's not very entertaining" he stated, and the crowd agreed with more loud boos. Blitzo poutily crossed his arms, but kept his mouth shut, waiting for the Prince to say something. 

Meanwhile the look of surprise on the Owl's face had turned into a puzzled one.

"Erm Thank you, Blitzo, for sharing that with us" he said, seeming a bit confused. Why would he be confused? At this point he should be totally mad at the imp for supposedly giving him an STD.

"Alright, NEXT" Vox yelled, unceremoniously shoving the imp of the stage. 

"Hey watch it you stupid mothfucker!" Blitzo protested at the manhandling, but the TV was unimpressed.

"Clyde you're up next, and I hope you got something more interesting" Vox called, annoyed and ignoring the fuming imp staring at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case the drawing seems familiar, i traced one of my stolitz month doodles.  
> i art thieved myself lol


	20. why u lying?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more days!!!! till the next episode!!!!!

After the not so subtle hints from Lucifer, Stolas had decided to pick Wilhelm as his next date. They were currently in an escape room, designed like a supermarket. Rows and rows of shelves, filled with various products, from shampoo and soup, to butterfly knives, drugs and chloroform. Stocked exactly like any other supermarket in hell. 

At the moment, Von Eldritch was trying to solve a crossword puzzle, which would give them the combination to open one of the registers. Stolas, in the meantime, skimmed through the shelves, looking for any other hints. Though he was once again lost in his thoughts.

The ball yesterday had been a giant success, the prince had received praise after praise from his guests. Still he felt unhappy.

When Lucifer had told him about 'being careful who to pick' he would've loved to just have grabbed Blitzy and kiss him in front of everyone. Heck, he'd almost done it!

At the start of all of this, he would've never thought he'd ever fall for an imp. But here he was now, butterflies in his stomach. Honestly screw whatever social hierarchy Lucifer was trying to pull, he was going to choose his Blitzy at the end of this show, no matter what. Let the rest of hell think whatever, the prince wanted to be happy for once in his goddamn 6000 year old life. 

There was just one more question he had for the imp after last night. It had really thrown him off when-

"Hey Stolas, I figured it out!" Wilhelm called him, ripping the royal out of his thoughts. The green skinned one was standing over by the registers. The prince joined, as his date typed in the code. The register sprung open, and inside it was a single red bell pepper. The two demons looked at it in confusion. 

"That's not the key that I was hoping for." Wilhelm stated. 

"Maybe we have to check the vegetable section?" Stolas suggested.

**********************************

It was already elimination night, the week had been passed by rather quickly with everyone busy organizing the ball.

Once again it was time to say goodbye. 

Vox had changed his face to show a diagram, with each of the candidate's names on it.

"As you can see from our newly added poll feature," he said, pointing at his screen "the audience is apparently rooting for our iconic fluffy spider pornstar. How's that make you feel, Angel?" he shouted up the stairs. 

"They're just stating the facts, Voxxy baby~" the spider yelled back.

The TV held his face directly into the camera. "If you guys wanna support your favorite, just go to _helluvabachelor.hll_. Each vote costs 6.69, and we accept Voxpal of course. But back to the main program" he finished, switching back to his regular face and turning to Stolas. 

"Time to kick one of these fuckers out again, Bird boi!" he shouted. 

The Prince nodded and took over, turning his attention towards his Suitors.

"Damien, please come to me" His Royal Highness called. The bronze colored demon sauntered downwards, swaying his hips in a way only an incubus could. 

"Hey sugar quill" he flirted at the owl once he stood in front of him.

"Hello Damien" Stolas smiled. 

"I was very touched yesterday, when you told me about how you can only sleep if you have your Hell Kitty plushie. That was very brave of you. And you're always a sight for sore eyes." the prince said, making a short pause.

"But I'm afraid we didn't really connect over these past few weeks. I just cannot see myself being with you in the future." the owl stretched out his gloved hand 

"Please give me back your feather."

The incubus looked from the prince's hand up to his face, and then back down to the open palm again. 

"Oh..." he said, his grin disappearing and sinking his head a bit. "That's a shame." he sighed, plucking the quill out of his skimpy suit and handing it back to its original owner. "Guess I'm too much of a playboy for you?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid you're more than I can handle" the Prince stated, with a small smile. 

Damien got his seductive demeanor back at that "Guess I'll try my luck elsewhere then, hot stuff!" he said, blowing one last kiss to Stolas and strutting away into the night.

"What the fuck?!" Vox yelled as the incubus walked away. "You know you're not supposed to kick off the first one you call down?" he ranted, clearly unhappy. 

"You have to create some suspense, Satan damn it!" the TV groaned, hitting his palm onto his flat-screen so hard it flickered.

"Whoops" the prince said, shrugging his shoulders with a shit eating grin. "Too late for that."

"Ohhh you bastard you did it on purpose!" the TV yelled. Angrily he stomped up the stairs.

"Okay, shows over guys" he shouted up to the candidates. "Yall can leave now, see ya sorry asses again tomorrow!"

~~~

Later that same night, a knock was on Blitzo's door. The imp quickly climbed down from the dresser he was standing on, and threw the marker he was holding into a corner of the room. He had been adding a lush moustache, as well as a squiggly eyepatch and some tasteful stink lines to the portrait of one of the royal family members hanging in his room.

"Come in, unless you're Sir Pentious, then fuck off" he called.

The imp was surprised as Stolas himself walked in, quietly closing the door behind him.

"Hello Blitzy" he trilled. Then the royal prick noticed the enhanced portrait.

"I see you took up some decorating" he smiled at his favourite imp, and sat down on the side of Blitzo's bed. 

"That was already like that when I arrived here" the imp declared. 

Stolas snickered. 

"It's fine my dear, I never liked my great uncle Valefar anyways. He was the one who set me up with my ex wife, back in the day."

"Fuck him then, I guess" Blitzo said. Then he remembered that he was supposed to get the Owl to dislike him. 

Whatever, it was late. He would continue pissing off the prince tomorrow.

"Why'd ya come here" he asked, plopping down on the bed next to the owl. Then he started taking off his shoes, cuz the horny bird probably wanted to fuck again. One more time wouldn't hurt.

"I came to ask you why you lied to me." the prince said slowly, piercing Blitzo with his gaze.

The imp froze in motion, boot still in hand. Panik swelled up in him, a knot forming in his throat. Oh no. This was bad. How and when had the feathered fuck found out about the stupid grimoire?! Shit! Were Loona and the others safe?!

"You don't have syphilis." Stolas continued.

Oh. That's the thing the royal prick was talking about. Thank Satan, Blitzo had almost had a heart attack.

"I used a spell to check you for diseases, just before our first rodeo. You don't have any" the prince disclosed. He looked at the imp expectantly. 

"Yeah so that ummm. Okay, the Syphilis was a lie...." Blitzo admitted. 

"Vox wanted us to come up with something either shocking or interesting" he shrugged. "So that's as creative as I got, since I don't have anything else to tell."

Thoughtful Stolas mustered the imp.

"Forgive me, but I don't think so. Surely there is a secret you can tell?" he leaned forward. "Whatever it is, you can trust me" the owl declared, whispering almost seductively to the imp. 

Briefly, the thought of simply telling Stolas about the book heist crossed the imps mind. It was quickly dismissed as a very dumb idea though.

"Maybe something about your past circus days?" the bird suggested. "You haven't talked about those much."

Blitzo huffed. He didn't like thinking back to those times. There were some painful memories he liked to pretend didn't exist.

"Not much to tell" he stated. "15 years ago the circus burned down, my whole family died, and the asshole who did it is still out there somewhere." he said quickly, looking away.

"Oh Blitzy..." The prince began, a sorrowful look in his eyes. "I had no idea!" Then the royal went ahead and hugged the smaller demon. Blitzo would've shoved him back, not needing any pity from the privileged dick, but he didn't have the heart to do that right now.

"I am so sorry" the bird mumbled over his shoulder. 

The imp sighed and patted the royals back. "Not like it's any of your business you stupid old bird. I'm gonna find that asshole someday and make him pay for it." 

The owl leaned back, looking at Blitzo. "If you need anything, I'll gladly help!" he offered. 

"No, I'm gonna do this by myself." the imp said, determined. The revenge would be his, if he ever heard of that fucker rearing up his ugly head again. But enough of that dumb mushy stuff, the imp decided.

"So you wanna fuck or what?" he asked the prince.

~~~

After Stolas had left that night, satisfied in more ways than one, the imp was thinking.

Okay, so maybe the prince actually cared about him for some stupid reason. And yes, maybe Blitzo enjoyed kissing and fucking the stupid priviled bird a tiny little bit. 

But his company and coworkers were way more important. If the Owl ever found out about the grimoire it was definite double hell for him and his little work family. Millie, Moxxie and Loona would be erased out of existence.

Not even the best fuck in the world would justify putting his employees on the line. 

Besides, the privileged asshole was probably only having a passing phase, not being serious with him. After all, he only really showed that stupid affection off camera.

No, Blitzo decided. He had to pull all the strings to get kicked off as soon as possible, whatever sacrifice he had to make for that. There would be no more casually fucking the royal douche. He'd been at this shitty castle for way too long already. 

Blitzo was definitely going to leave next week, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're down to 5 candidates!!!!


	21. food fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new episode tomorrow you guys!!!!  
> long chapter to shorten the wait ;)

"Welcome back to all you fuckers watching from home!!!" Vox shouted excitedly into the camera.

"We're getting serious over here in lovestruck castle county, with only 5 of our original 13 Lover boys remaining" the TV explained, waving his hand back to the remaining contestants sitting on a long table behind him. "You know, they say love goes through the stomach?" he said, pointing to the giant pile of food in front of each suitor behind him.

"Well, this week we're gonna have some foodie dates, but only three of them." he announced. "So you guys gotta prove you can handle a good meal! The first three to finish their plate get to go on a date with Stolas to a restaurant of their choosing. 

"GO!" he yelled, and the five guys started devouring the food mountains as fast as possible.

~~~

"Quite the easy task! " Pentious hissed smugly, after he had swallowed half of the food on his plate all at once. 

Easy thing to say for a stupid snake demon who could unhinge his jaw. Blitzo, who had planned on holding back today, as to not get another date with the royal prick, decided he couldn't let the dumb snake win this one.

With sudden feverous vigor, the imp dug into the tower on his plate, shovelling everything into his mouth with super speed.

Ser Pentious noticed, of course, and promptly opened his jaw again, shaking the rest on his plate into the gaping hole as well, swallowing all of his food at once. 

"First" he announced proudly after gulping down the big batch.

Meanwhile the imp next to him was already down to the last third, but still not fast enough. Blitzo glared daggers at the Victorian douche, while chewing with his mouth full.

"My my, I could learn something about swallowing from the both of ya." Angel commented, casually munching on an omelette next to them. Seemed the spider didn't try at all, he was just having a chill second breakfast.

Grumpily the imp had managed to empty his plate as well by now. "Second" he grumbled, pissed at being bested by the stupid snake. Further down the table, Clyde and Wilhem were busy fighting for third place.

Von Eldritch seemed a little conflicted between keeping up table manners and finishing his plate as quickly as possible. Clyde on the other hand seemed to have an issue with the mushrooms on his giant food pile, slowly swallowing the offending pieces with absolute disgust on his face.

It took the two of them a while, but in the end the lynx managed to finish first.

"Aaaaand that's number 3!" Vox said, marching down the table. "Better luck next time Wilhelm." he said to the losing noble. 

The grinch looked down at his now dirty, grease stained clothes, shaking his head. "All that mess for nothing" he lamented.

**********************************

"You didn't even look like you were trying." Blitzo stated. He and Angel were chilling on some floaties in one of the swimming pools, late after midnight. Fat Nuggets was also cruising about, having his own little inflatable island.

"Well, today was my last day anyway, no need to keep up appearances" the spider said, swishing through the water with his hands. 

"You're leaving?" the imp asked, surprised.

"Yeah, got a call from Val yesterday, to ' _finally pack up my shit and get my flat ass back ta work'_ " Angel said. 

"I'm gonna miss you and Penty. Things were just about to get interesting with my snake boi" he sighed and shrugged. "But i gotta do as Val says!"

"I cannot believe you still want to work for that rat Valentino" a voice from behind them called. Blitzo and Angel swooped their heads around, to see Stolas who was just walking up the tiles, wearing the ugliest hawaii shirt the imp had ever seen. The prince settled down at the rim of the pool, dangling his long legs into the water.

"You deserve something way better, my dear" the Owl stated, gazing at the porn star. 

"Look, I know Vals a piece of shit. But that piece of shit is keeping my drug supply steady, as well as a roof over ma head." Angel declared, then he rubbed his cheek. "Though I might give that shitty Happy Hotel a try for a bit" he muttered.

"The fucks a happy hotel?" Blitzo asked, turning around in his giant floating tire. "Sounds like a brothel" the imp stated.

"It's the project of Lucifer's daughter" Stolas explained, while petting Fat Nuggets who had paddled over to the prince. "She's trying to get sinners to better themselves and go to heaven."

"Wow thats stupid" the imp said. 

"I know it's stupid" Angel said palming his hands trough his wet hair 

"But ya never know, it might just work" he shrugged, a glint of hope in his mismatched eyes.

"Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck my friend." Stolas said to Angel. 

Then the Owl went to playfully grab the floatie with Blitzo on it, pulling it closer. The imps flight instinct kicked in and he jumped off into the water.

**********************************

The next morning had a staged conversation in front of the cameras, between Angel and Stolas. The Pornstar made a big speech about wanting to leave on his own volition. They had also made up some excuse about the spider working on a new movie or something like that.

"A shame he is leaving." a sad Pentious hissed, with an eggboi consolingly patting his bosses long torso. He was standing next to a very annoyed imp.

"Why don't you go and run after him?" Blitzo suggested, rolling his eyes. 

"Truth be told, imp, I have been entertaining the idea" the snake admitted, obvious to the smaller demons snark. 

Holy Satan, somehow the spider had really managed to get through to that prude old fashioned overlord wannabe. Colour Blitzo impressed. Then again, for some reason, the attraction seemed mutual. What an unlikely pair.

"Once you get outta here, you should check the happy hotel." the imp suggested. 

Might as well play matchmaker for Angel and his weird taste.

The snake raised his eyebrow at him. "Happy hotel? That sounds like-" 

"Yeah like a brothel, i know" the imp interrupted him. 

"I was gonna say drug den." the snake stated, one eyebrow raised. 

"Fits as well." Blitzo shrugged. 

They were interrupted by Vox coming over.

"Alright you Victorian timey loser" the TV said, grabbing Pentious by the arm. "It's time for your lunch date!" he declared, dragging the snake away with him.

~~~

They had gone to a small, old fashioned restaurant on the outer parts of the seventh circle. The fancy tapestry was lit up by numerous candles strewn about the place, the only light source in the ancient looking establishment.

Stolas and Pentious were eating their appetizer, a bowl of undefined vegetable broth. They had been eating silently for a while now.

"I have to say, I absolutely adore your taste in hats" Stolas tried to get a conversation going.

The snake shot up, seeming a bit out of touch, before looking at the Owl. "Sorry for not talking much, I am a little lost in my thoughts today" the Victorian apologized.

"No need to worry, It’s fine" The prince said. He had noticed the snake and Angel growing closer, and his counterpart was probably thinking about the pornstar the same way the owl couldn't get Blitzo out of his head. Stolas could understand that oh too well. 

Truth be told, he had expected the snake to leave as well, after Angel had said his goodbyes this morning. Then again, Pentious probably had a false sense of duty to stay till he was kicked out.

"So, back to your hat." Stolas said, pointing at his date's cylinder. "It seems to be alive? Does it have a mind of its own?" he asked curiously.

"It's one of my most cherished possessions" the edgelord declared proudly. "I've had it since my first day in this hellscape. I don't know where it came from or what it is, but it's able to change forms" the snake explained, tapping onto his cylinder. The eye on the headwear blinked a few times, and the thing morphed into a baseball cap. "Check it out, pretty cool right?" Pentious asked, grinning.

"Absolutely!" the prince said, clapping his hands. The eye on the baseball cap seemed to be blushing at that. 

"There's one more thing I've been wondering about" the prince began, spooning up the last of his soup.

"That eggboi of yours, why does it have #13 written on it's back?"

"Oh they all get numbers, once they're out of the cloning machine" the snake explained casually. 

Stolas eyes went wide "Cloning machine?" he inquired. 

"Yep! My best invention so far" Pentious said, getting a mischievous grin on his face. "I'll never run out of eggbois!" he declared, followed by a laugh that tried very hard to be evil and menacing.

**********************************

The imp crew had thoroughly tested out the grimoire these past few days. By now, they managed to open up a portal in the exact spot they wanted to about 90% of the time.

Though after the ocean debacle, they had only used tiny portals, just looking through them to see where they had landed. Today was their second experiment for making a Portal they could actually walk through.

"Didya put the candles in the right places, Sweetie?" Millie asked, looking up from the book page to her husband. "All set to go!" the small imp declared, standing up from the floor he'd drawn the pentagram on. "It should open up in the middle of New York this time" Moxxie stated.

"Let's try!" Millie said, energetically slapping her hand onto the book. The drawing became aflame, opening up a hole in the office buildings floor. A strong wind gushed in through it.

"I think we fucked up again" Millie stated, looking down the gate to the mortal world, the wind whipping through her hair. They were in New York, alright, but the portal had opened up several hundred feet above the ground. No way to step in there without falling down and splattering to pieces on the concrete below.

"Great, now we have to calculate in the height as well" Moxxie groaned loudly, so his wife would be able to hear him over the gushing whoosh of the winds.

"Can you fuckers close the damn windows, that draft is annoying!" Loona yelled from outside. Then the door slammed open, the angry hellhound standing inside it. The airflow became much more powerful, now that the door had been opened. Moxxie watched, helplessly, as all of his loose notes he had made on how to properly work the book got sucked out into the living world. The papers scattered in all directions, flying down between the skyscrapers.

"Damn it Loona!" the little imp cursed. 

"Oh stop complaining you little shit." the hellhound said, holding up a printed out email "We have our first hit in the living world!"

**********************************

The royal limousine pulled into the small, way too cramped parking space. "So, you picked out WackDonalds" the prince noted as he got out of the fancy car, and held the door open for his favorite imp. Blitzo demonstratively scooted over and got out on the other side of the car, loudly slamming his door.

"Jup, my favorite restaurant of all time!" he announced. The two of them went inside the crowded fast food place, followed by the usual camera team.

"The greasiest most unhealthy food you can imagine" the imp said proudly, while Stolas leaned in closely to the menu, studying it intensely. 

"Is everything here fried?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yepppp" Blitzo clicked his tongue. "There's also double fried, and quadruple fried if you're brave." he added. 

There was no way in hell the stupid bird would enjoy this date, what with the awful food and the masses of other demons loudly burping, farting and even vomiting all around. If he was lucky, the Prince might simply spontaneously combust from the shitty food here.

"I have to admit, I've never been to one of these before" His Royal Highness disclosed. Their cue had moved forward, and they were now in front of the cashier, an acne ridden cyclops teen who was currently picking his nose.

"Welcome t' WcDonalds, watcha dudes want?" he asked them, without taking his appendage out of his nose hole.

"What would you suggest my dear?" the Owl asked Blitzo. The imp took over, leaning down onto the counter.

"He'll have the Scrappy Meal with a Stinky Cheezeburger, chimken nuggets and the guillotine toy" he said, pointing at the royal prick. 

"I'll take the double grease WcRip, with some fries." the imp ordered for himself. "And two large cokes" he added as an afterthought. Might as well _accidentally_ spill a drink on his date.

"U homos wanna split the bill?" the greasy teenager asked, bored. 

"Fuck no, he's paying" Blitzo declared, gesturing at his date.

~~~

They had set their tray down on a stained table, after sweeping down some used napkins from previous guests. The imp gladly noted how uncomfortable the bird was looking by this point.

"I have to admit Blitzo, this isn't quite my usual metie." the Prince said after they had sat down. The bird grabbed his Scrappy Meal bag and looked inside.

Blitzo already had his burger in hand. "You're really missing out! I come here all the time" The imp announced, biting into his WcRip and sending half of its contents flying out over the table. He wanted to make this dinner as messy and unpleasant as possible.

Meanwhile, Stolas had pulled out the little guillotine toy from his bag. It was broken. "Awww" he said sadly, and went to grab the cheezburger instead. Cautiously he pulled off the wrapper, before taking a small bite.

Seconds later, his eyes lit up with a bright red glow, and he took in a sharp breath. 

"Everything alright?" the imp asked, feigning concern. Internally he was grinning tho. No one ever ordered the Stinky Cheezburger. It was the worst available food item in all of hell, patent still pending. There were rumors some demons had gone to double hell after simply smelling one of these.

Instead of answering, the Prince shoved the entire cursed burger into his mouth. Absolutely delighted he chewed, eyes still glowing brightly. 

"Uhhhh" the imp was speechless, as he watched Stolas munch jovially and swallow the blursed thing. What?!

"That's the best burger I've ever had!" the royal excitedly announced, slamming his hands on the table, and jumping up on his feet. "I'll be back soon, just gonna order a few more of these" he explained to his date quickly, and then stormed off into the direction of the registers. 

Blitzo just sat there, dumbstruck. That had to be a joke. He turned around to check for a hidden camera, before remembering they already were on camera. Satan help him, that was not how this date was supposed to go.

~~~

Few minutes later, the owl returned happily, hands full with a plate stashed to the brim with only the horrible cheese abominations. The Prince plopped down, and promptly offered one of the cursed things to Blitzo. 

"Feel free to take some as well, I know you like cheese." The royal said, shamelessly chewing and talking at the same time. The imp shoved the tablet away, further into the princes direction. 

"No thanks, all yours" he said, disgusted.

It took awhile for the prince to get through all his Cheezys, which he ate with some excessive moans that gave Blitzo bedroom flashbacks. The imp watched with horror, as the bird swallowed burger after burger.

Once the royal was finally satisfied, he leaned back on the greasy stained diner sofa with a happy sigh.

"Thank you so much for introducing me to this wonderful place! I'd have never stopped by here otherwise" he thanked the imp.

"You're... welcome, I guess." Blitzo answered, internally screaming as his genius plan had somehow backfired enormously.

It also didn't help that the other demons around them had noticed that the two were from _'That dating show on VoxTV'_ , and were swarming their table now, asking for photos and autographs. 

They were surrounded by a crazy fan mob. 

"Oh dear, how are we supposed to get back to the car?" the bird asked, shoving aside the hands of some of the more grabby people. 

"Hold up, I've got an idea." Blitzo said, grabbing one of the few cheezys left on Stolas plate. He took off the wrapper and threw the thing into the crowd like a hand grenade. The demon mob immediately parted, trying to get away from the burger's contents as fast as possible. The imp grabbed the rest of the cursed cheese abominations, as ammunition.

"Hey! I wanted to save those for later!" the prince complained, though he followed the imp, who was burger bombing his way outside. They made it out alive in the end, only losing about 70% of the camera team in the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no, Angel is gone :(  
> down to the last 4!!!!


	22. close one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today!!! New Episode!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! at 2 pm PST

Yesterday had been way more fun. Stolas would kill for a Cheezy right now, instead of the human meat on his plate. That was the only thing that the cannibal restaurant was offering, though. Completely lackluster, he picked at his steak. Opposite of him, Clyde was munching happily on his own order of a human lung & liver skewer.

"You won't believe what they have for desert here" the buff lynx said excitedly. 

"You mean the blood ice cream with waffles?" Stolas asked, reading it off the big plate on the wall behind the lynx. 

"Yes, it's the absolute best!!!" the cat jovially declared.

"I think I'll pass… " The prince said.

Once again, his thoughts drifted back to his favorite imp. Blitzo had been acting so aloof and distant lately, and the prince just couldn't figure out why.

Maybe the two of them just needed to finally get to spend some more private, off camera time together. Then surely he would be able to figure out what was wrong. There was something he'd been planning to do with the imp anyways. Hopefully he'd find out tonight what had been bothering his Blitzy.

Halfheartedly he shoved around the paleta steak on his plate. He should have ordered a salad instead.

**********************************

"Please follow me" Camio demanded, after he had waltzed into Blitzos room once again, like he had done almost every night by now. 

"No, I'm busy" the imp stated, gesturing to his alibi book copy of 'Knitting for Dummies'.

"His highness insists!" the butler said, stressing his words. Blitzo just continued reading his guide book. After 5 minutes, the bird in the door audibly cleared his throat and impatiently tapped his foot. 

"Ugh fine, but only this time" the imp declared, rolling his eyes and closing the book. He followed the butler, and of course, Camio led him to the royals assholes quarters once again.

  
  


With a sigh, Blitzo entered. "Look Stolas, whatever it is I'm busy tonight, so-"

Then the imp noticed the broken Scrappy Meal toy on the Princes nightstand. "Why'd ya take that useless thing with you?" he asked, pointing at the tiny guillotine.

"It's a little memoire for our date. Of course I'm keeping it!" the bird who had been pacing in the middle of the room glowed. The imp took one more glance at the plastic toy before turning back to the Owl.

"So what did ya have Camio drag me here for?" Blitzo asked the stupid prince.

"I wanted to show you something special today" the owl said, gently smiling. "Follow me dear" he called, and went over to his study room. Having no other option, the imp followed the privileged asshole.

The bird went to the bookshelf, and Blitzo's heart stopped beating when the royal pulled out the grimoire. Well, not the grimoire, but it's almost identical copy. The imp stood there, frozen in place as Stolas began flipping through the pages. 

"There's a spot on earth, my favorite one in fact" the Prince explained, drawing a pentagram into the air with magic. 

"I'd like to take you there." he said, placing his hand on the book. 

Nothing happened.

"How... odd… " the Owl stated, trying again. Like the first time, nothing happened.

"Why isn't it working?" he wondered.

Blitzo was close to fainting, his heart bobbing up his throat. He had made it this far, and now the prince would figure out he had a fake right in front of him? The imps poker face just wasn't good enough for that.

"And where is that? Your favorite place on earth?" he asked quickly, hoping his voice wouldn't betray him.

"It's a little overgrown hilltop, in the middle of nowhere" the owl said, still mustering the book critically, turning it around in his hands.

"Sounds err nice, but we can just stay here and do whatever" the imp continued, trying to get the bird's attention away from the book. 

"Honestly, it's fine!" he added.

Surprisingly it worked, as the royal put the grimoire aside after a few moments. Sighing, the prince went back over to Blitzo.

"It is the perfect place for stargazing, especially at this time of year." he explained, as he took the imps hand and led him back to the bedroom. 

"It's a marvelous sight, all of those bright lights” he continued, as they sat down on the sofa. "They look so beautiful, and you can see many more up there than here in hell. I would have loved to show you." the owl finished, looking like a sad little kicked puppy.

If Blitzo wasn't feeling guilty before, he sure was by now. The stupid bird had no right to look that sad.

"Maybe I should try again?" the royal prick wondered, looking back to the study room.

"It's fine, we can do something else instead." the imp suggested hastily, shooting up his hand and gently turning the Prince's head back to face him. He may have vowed to completely cut the bastard off this week, but if this was what it took to keep him from figuring out the book was fake, then so be it. 

The Owl sighed sadly, nuzzling into Blitzo's hand. 

"I have a BDSM rack lying around in the back, If you wanna try that out?" he mumbled into the imps' palm. 

"Yeah Okay, sounds fun, let's do that" Blitzo agreed quickly, having averted the catastrophe for the moment.

~~~

"What the fuck is so important you're calling me in the middle of the night, dumbass!?" Loona complained, groaning.

"That bastard noticed that his precious book isn't working. I have to get out here immediately!" a panicked Blitzo shouted into his phone, while shoving his belongings into his shabby suitcase. 

He had just gotten back from playing pattycake with the prince.

"Calm down you crazy idiot!" Loona bellowed through the phone, at her panicking dad. "If you leave by yourself, you better come up with a good excuse." she said. Groaning, she put her claws through her hair. 4 am was not the right time to be dealing with this shit. "And also, don't leave right now, idiot! Thats gonna be suspicious as fuck!" she said.

Blitzo buried his head in his hands, pausing his crazed packing spree "I know Loony, but I have to leave! What if that bastard decides to pick me in the end?!? Then what do we do?" he asked, desperate. 

"Like Hell he's gonna pick you, no one in their right mind would. It's a miracle you're still on that shit show!" she declared. 

Blitz bit his tongue at that. Of course Loony and his crew didn't know what had been going on behind the scenes. Their boss had deliberately left out some of the more juicy details in his catch up calls.

"All I'm saying is, I have to get out of here this week!" he mumbled into his phone. 

"Satan, since when are you such a crybaby? Grow a pair, and just find a good excuse leave" his daughter snarked at him. "And stop calling me in the middle of the night, you asshole!" she barked, before hanging up.

Blitzo sighed and fell backwards onto the bed, thinking hard. What would be a valid excuse for him to leave and have the royal asshole stop pestering him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, thanks again for all your comments, i really appreciate them!!!


	23. fuck this shit I'm out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfghjkdsshkl the new episode! 😍😍😍

"Alrighty, hope you guys aren't too tired yet!" Vox declared, as he opened the package he'd brought along to the candidates after dinner. It was a game of Twister.

"Winner gets the last date before elimination tomorrow!" the TV announced, laying the game plan with the colorful dots out onto the floor. 

"Last one up on their hands and feet wins!" he stated, grabbing the added wheel to spin and decide their fates.

The remaining 4 Suitors looked at the big cheap plastic sheet on the ground.

"I do not have feet." Pentious stated, pointing at his tail. 

In the meantime, Blitzo had laid down on the game plan, to confirm his suspicions. He was way too short to even reach any of the red and green dots at the same time. Those fuckers never made anything in imp size. 

"Not gonna work" he called up to their Show host. 

Shooting a glare at the stupid imp, Vox had to begrudgingly admit that his plan for tonight would need some adjustments.

"Okay, then how 'bout Strip poker?" the TV suggested. "That's something worth watching for our viewers" he said, grinning brightly while packing the Twister foil back up.

"I-I don't know how to play poker..." Clyde admitted, his face going red.

"For fucks sake you big dude, we're in hell! How do you not know how to play poker!?!" Vox cursed, squinching his face and slamming the twister carton closed harder than necessary. 

Then he went through his pockets, and pulled out a Uno Card Deck. 

"Does everyone know how fucking Uno works at least?" The TV asked into the round, extremely annoyed by this point.

They all nodded, except for Pentious. After a death glare from Vox though, the snake also quickly nodded. 

"Why yes, of course i know this Ůnō thing!" Sir Pentious said hastily, nudging at egg boi #13. The little guy started to whisper the rules into the ear of his totally out-of touch boss.

~~~

They had agreed that the first to win 3 rounds would get the date. 

Blitzo and Clyde had each won one game so far, Pentious hadn't won any. Wilhem though, had already won two, and was on his best way to winning the third one as well, with only 2 cards left in his hand.

Blitzo really shouldn't have cared, but his competitiveness was riling up. The stupid grinch had just laid down a reverse card. 

"Uno" the fucker said, holding up his last card. Von Eldritch grinned smugly at Blitzo, who would have been next if not for the reverse card changing the game's direction. The imp, who had only 3 cards left on his hand as well, glared at the noble bastard.

Clyde was looking unsurely at the stack, before laying down a +4 card, looking apologetically at Pentious, who was next. 

The snake, after listening to advice from his little egg minion, also laid a +4 card.

"Ohhh it's actually getting interesting" Vox commented.

With a wide grin, Blitzo laid down another +4 card on the pile, smugly looking over to Wilhem.

The Grinch would now have to draw a total of 12 cards. Von Eldritch cursed loudly, as he picked up the cards from the stack. 

"Oh you little cheating gremlin" he spat at the imp, glaring darkly. 

"I bet you little shit never worked for anything in your life, you just ruin everything for us others. Hell would be better off without the likes of you, you worthless piece of shit!" he ranted viciously at Blitzo.

Vox laughed out loudly. "Yeah, tell that stupid imp Willy!" he snorted. "He ain't got shit!"

"I've had it with you fuckers insulting me!" Blitzo yelled, as he angrily stood up and slapped his hands on the table. 

Then, suddenly, a figurative light bulb appeared above the imps head. 

_Wait, this was it! A reason to leave!_

Everyone treating him like shit would totally make a valid excuse!

"Thanks, you stupid asshole!" he said, suddenly grinning brightly at von Eldritch. 

"What the fuck you mean, scum?" the grinch wondered, confused, as the imp sat down again and picked back up his cards. Instead of answering, Blitzo just smiled contently.

~~~

Stolas was wondering about the grimoire.

He turned the tome around in his hands, thinking. Why wasn't the book working? When he had created it, he had infused it with enough magic to last a thousand years. But now the grimoire was completely devoid of any magic. Something wasn't right here. 

He had been so distracted by the book not working, that he'd also forgotten to actually talk to his favorite imp yesterday. Everytime he and the little demon got started, all thoughts would simply fly out of the prince's head, leaving his mind totally blank. That was one of the many, many things he liked about his Blitzy. 

"Heyyyy Stolas my guy" Vox cheered, as he waltzed through the owls bedroom door without even knocking. It was late in the evening, after game night, and the two of them had agreed to have a little meeting and a drink in absence of the cameras.

"Congrats, you're going on another date with Clyde tomorrow." the TV announced to his friend. "It was a tough battle between him and Wilhem that last round, let me tell you!" he said, handing Stolas one of the two whiskey glasses he'd brought along.

"Glad to hear." Stolas said, putting aside the grimoire and accepting the offered drink. 

"Say, there's one thing I've been wondering about" the TV began, sitting down next to the Prince. 

"What, my friend?" the owl inquired. 

"We're almost through with the show. You're gonna kick one more fucker off tomorrow, and then it's time for the finale." the Show Host stated. 

"Yes, so?" the Prince inquired. 

"Why haven't you gotten rid of that imp yet?" the TV asked, shooting up his eyebrows. "Like, don't get me wrong, it's been great for our viewing figures, but shouldn't you focus on the actual candidates?" he asked, confused. 

Stolas looked away, pressing his beak together tightly.

"I do consider him a proper candidate, my dear" he disclosed. 

"Oh my Satan, you are serious!" Vox realized, shocked.

"How can you even consider that low life? What do you see in that idiot?" he asked in disbelief.

"He makes me laugh." the Owl said softly. Then he smirked. "That, and he's an absolute beast in bed!" he elaborated. 

"Unbelievable!" the TV muttered horrified, slowly dragging his hands down his screen. "You've actually been fucking that little shit!" 

Stolas stared judgmentally at his conversation partner. "Better than a manipulative and abusive moth pimp any day" he declared, crossing his arms.

"Hey, I thought we agreed to stop talking about my boyfriend!" the TV complained, slamming his glass down.

"Just saying." the Owl stated, shrugging his shoulders and swirling around his whiskey.

**********************************

Once again, the Helluva Bachelor candidates were waiting on the stairs. It was the last elimination night before the finale.

"These past few weeks have been very interesting and eye opening, to say the least" Stolas begann his usual procedure. "I've gotten to know all 4 of you very well by now, and it's not an easy decision to make" the Owl stated.

"Clyde, please come down!" the Owl called. The tall lynx marched down the stairs, nervously halting in front of the prince. 

The Owl looked at the buff cat thoroughly for a few seconds. "Although I don't quite share your taste in food,” the prince said, pausing for a moment "our date with the photo shoot today was very nice. Will you keep your feather?"

Visibly relieved, Clyde breathed out. "Yes, of course" he jovially said and went back up the stairs.

"Blitzo" his Royal Decisiveness called next. 

The imp went down, mentally preparing himself for what had to be done. 

Once he halted in front of the owl, the bird leaned down.

"I have to say, You've opened my eyes to new possibilities this week. Namely Cheezys" he stated, a small smile forming on his beak.

"Will you keep your feather?" he asked his favourite imp. 

Ah shit, here it went.

"Ummm so actually, I've been thinking." Blitzo began, not looking into the prince's eyes. 

"Aaaaand, I think I'm done here. I've had enough, with everyone looking down on me and treating me like shit. I don't feel welcome here, and I know I'm wayyy out of place." he said, crossing his arms and still avoiding the royals gaze.

"It's not like you would pick me anyways." he stated, making a dismissive hand gesture.

"So, I'm leaving!" the imp declared, unceremoniously taking the quill out of his breast pocket. He quickly put the feather into a confused Stolas's hands.

"Todalooo" the imp said his goodbyes, waving and casually waltzing off into the night, not looking back. To be honest, he didn't want to see the look on Stolas face. 

He followed the paved path for a while, before finally leaving the property through the fancy iron gate. Finally he was free. His mission was complete. 

Though it didn't quite feel like a victory.

~~~

The Royal Prince was staring after the imp, who had already disappeared, in a stupor.

"Well, that leaves us with only the pretty candidates!" Vox declared happily. "Lucky you, you don't have to waste another week with that imp!" he said, slapping Stolas shoulder. The Owl was still staring into the dark night in disbelief.

Vox snapped his fingers in front of the prince's face "Hey bucko, you still have to eliminate someone! It's the rules" he reminded his friend.

With all of his willpower, the prince ripped his eyes away from the dark path Blitzy had disappeared on. Almost robotically, he turned back to the remaining three.

"Pentious" he called. The snake slithered down the stairs.

"You're out" the prince said as soon as the Victorian came to a halt in front of him, mechanically holding out his hand to take the feather. 

His thoughts were elsewhere though. Why had his Blitzy simply left like that?! What had he done wrong?! He was trying his hardest to keep on a straight face in front of the cameras.

The snake slithered by, handing back the quill. Pentious said something along the lines of " _wanting to leave anyways_ ", but Stolas was unable to pay him any attention, as his mind was currently racing.

Why had the little demon left?! Had Stolas really failed to notice how the imp had actually felt all this time?! 

In the meantime, Vox had drawn the camera's attention to himself, knowing that the Owl was kind of outta commission right now.

"So, looks we're only gonna have two final candidates instead of three!" The TV told the audience cheerily. "People, we lost more than half of our suitors this week. But fear not, it will be a head to head with our remaining two, Clyde and Wilhelm, for the grand finale!" Vox announced, walking over to the two and putting his arms around Wilhems shoulder, and Clyde's waist, since the lynx was so damn tall.

"It'll be a 3 hour special on prime time next weekend." he cheered, looking up at the two lucky suitors. "Till then, you're getting an all around getaway package to one of the most exclusive spots in hell, the Burned Beach Resort!" he told them.

"Ohhh, Sounds nice!" Clyde said.

"We go there for vacation every year, it is a marvelous establishment." Wilhem said, casually bragging about the fact his family could afford vacation in hell.

"So don't miss out on the grand finale next week!!!" Vox bellowed into the camera, and put on a hat, imprinted with the Helluva Bachelor logo. "We've got a special sale in the online shop for the occasion!" he announced.

In the background, Stolas had already gone back into the mansion, needing some time for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor bby Stolas😢


	24. wait, whats that?

The Owl was trying very hard to accept the fact that his Blitzy had left. After some reflection, and checking in with Vox who had confirmed that the imp hadn't received the nicest of treatments during his stay at the mansion, the Owl realized how bad his poor Blitzy must have felt. 

No wonder he had been acting so distant lately. He had probably hated all the negative attention he had gotten. And if Stolas would have chosen him in the end, that attention would have never stopped. 

So, the prince wholly understood the imps decision to leave. That didn't mean it didn't hurt, though.

It had been two days, and here he was, crying and eating ice cream on his hotel resort bed.

Despite accepting to let the imp go, Stolas was currently checking his Blitzys voxtagram account, shoving an entire scoop full chocolate ice cream into his beak, sniffling.

The imp had posted a snap of himself enjoying some iced coffee. The owl sadly thought back to their first date, with the pole dancing lessons. That's where it had all begun. 

He scrolled through the comments. One was apparently from the imps daughter, complaining why her dad hadn't brought her a drink along as well. Stolas chuckled, his misery momentarily forgotten, and clicked on the hellhounds username.

Her page had mostly pictures of herself, posing in various stylish outfits. Seemed she had an acquired taste in fashion, similar to his little Via. 

Curious, the Prince clicked on one of the newer posts, taking a closer look at the shirt Loona was wearing. It had a bright pink star on it, with a black pentagram printed inside. That would make a nice birthday gift for his daughter, the Owl prince thought.

As he went to look at the post's description, he noticed something in the pictures background. The hellhound had taken the photo at what seemed like her work desk, and behind it was a little waiting area. It had some ugly yellow and blue striped couches, with a bunch of papers strewn about them. 

In the middle of the paper chaos, Stolas had noticed a familiar black and golden cover peeking out.

" _Oh my..._!" the prince declared, as he squinted a little harder at the picture. 

Certainly, without a doubt, that book under the papertower looked a lot like his grimoire. The one that currently wasn't working...

It all suddenly clicked together at once. 

Blitzy's nervous demeanor. His interest for the birds library. The hellhound bringing her dad a book. the imp sneaking around with it at night. And now, the little demon suddenly leaving.

Quickly, the bird scurried up from his bed and to his suitcase, hastily taking out and slapping open the not working grimoire, which he'd brought along. 

He remembered from 10 years ago, when he had shown his little Via how to do a secret font with lemon juice, right on this very book's first page. 

Holding the paper over a lit candle, he waited for the heat to reveal the little message he'd written back then. But nothing turned up, instead, the fake books page just turned completely to ash.

Shocked and stunned the owl fell back onto his hotel bed, the fake copy clattering to the ground. That devious little imp had not only managed to steal his heart, but also a priceless artefact of ancient magic, right from under his gullible beak.

**********************************

"Yo Blitz, get me another cookie" Loona demanded. Her dad immediately went, and climbed over Millie and Moxxie to reach into the picnic basket they'd brought along. 

  
  


"You could have just asked for the basket instead, Sir!" Moxxie complained, narrowly avoiding getting slapped in the face by his boss's tail. 

  
  


The IMP Crew was on their first successful trip to the mortal realm, combined with a welcome back picnic for Blitzo. The four of them sat comfortable on a blanket on the green grass, enjoying the warm bright sunlight of the living world. Everything was so colorful here, it almost seemed fake. 

  
  


"Guess what?" Millie said, grinning secretively. 

"What is it Mills?" her Boss inquired, leaning back and handing Loona the requested cookie. 

"We already have our first mission here in the mortal world!" She announced, holding up a photograph. An old man, about 60, was staring grimly into the camera. "The contract came in last week."

"And who's that?" Their Boss asked, taking the photo and mustering the wrinkly human curiously.

"The former neighbor of our client. He lives right over there" Millie explained, pointing down the avenue of boring, domestic houses to their left. 

"The guy kept stealing cherries from their trees, back when they were alive." she finished. 

Blitzo snorted. "Yeah, some people can be really sensitive about nicking some fruit." he said.

The story of how Lilith, Lucifer's wife, had been banned to the underworld over eating an apple was one of the favourite subjects of filmmakers in hell. There were 10 different movies and an entire series for that topic on Voxflix alone.

"Guess he'll be an easy first target" Blitzo stated. "Any specifications on how they want him killed?" the imp asked his employees.

"They originally wanted us to shove a garden hose down his throat, but then settled for a bullet to the head when I told them it was cheaper. " Moxxie said, pulling a gun out of the picnic basket.

Blitzo facepalmed hard. "Mox you idiot! why would you tell them about the cheaper murder package!" he accused his employee. 

"Sir, they didn't have a lot of money!" the little imp objected. 

"Well next time you let me handle the details, you just stick to your weapons" Blitzo stated, disappointed. "Once we're back in the office, your Employee of the month picture is coming off the wall!" he assured the little imp. 

Moxxie rolled his eyes "Great to have you back" he said sarcastically. Then he loaded his gun and stood up. They had a job to do, after all.

**********************************

The sky was a light rose, rather pretty for hell. The fancy yacht sailed through the blood red water, gently swaying in the wind. Stolas leaned over the railing, watching the waves. Behind him, Clyde and Wilhem were clinking their glasses to their final days, wishing each other bad luck.

The Prince had been in a stalemate on what to do, now that he knew Blitzo had stolen his grimoire. He had checked up on the I.M.P. website, which had advertised their new exclusive murders in the living world. There had been no mention of the book, but it was simply too obvious.

Blitzo had only been on the show to steal the grimoire, probably feigning everything he'd ever said to the Prince. Stolas was at an impasse.

Should he march into the imps company and just send everyone there to double hell? After all, this was one of the most insulting things that had ever been done to him. Were it anybody else, he would have done so already without a second thought.

Then again, there was that tiny sliver of hope that told him it hadn't all been fake. Ridiculous, of course, but his royal highness couldn't seem to ignore that tiny voice. He wanted to be mad at the imp, he really did! 

But instead he just longed to hold his little Blitzy back in his arms. 

The Prince let out a loud sigh.

"Stop moping and come here your highness!" Wilhelm called from the other deck. "Yes Stolas! The jacuzzi is waiting!" Clyde joined in.

The Owl shook his head. He could decide on what to do with the imp later. 

Determined, the Prince went up to his company. He would give them both a proper try. They were his two final suitors, after all, and he was still on this damned show to find love.

**********************************

Blitzo was currently chilling on the couch with two of his favourite employees. He had invited himself into Millies and Moxxies flat again, to watch today's _Helluva Bachelor_ episode.

"How do you manage to keep getting in here?" the little imp wondered "We've changed the locks five times by now, what's your secret?"

"Persistence Mox!" his Boss said, loudly chewing on his popcorn. "But also Millie let me in."

"Honey why?" Mox turned to his wife, betrayed. 

"He just wants to hang out sweetie!" she said, taking the popcorn bowl from her husband. The little imp groaned. Thankfully, their Boss had shut up for the moment.

Blitzo was busy staring at the screen. Stolas and Wilhem were currently on a date, walking along the black sand of that fancy ass resort. The imp wondered what it would be like to chill on the beach with the Owl as well. It looked rather nice.

"I suppose you're glad you're outta there." Millie said, turning to her boss. "I'm still surprised you even got that far." she admitted.

"Well, guess I just got lucky." Blitz shrugged. 

Though he didn't feel very lucky at the moment. 

Sure, his company was looking up with all the new clients. They had been pouring like crazy these past few days, after their first successful hit. 

But ever since he left that damned show it had felt like he was missing something. Something he didn't even know he had.

Grumpily, he grabbed another handful of popcorn, watching Stolas waltz down the beach hand in hand with that fucking grinch Wilhelm. The imp glared at the TV, and threw some of his newly acquired popcorn at it.

"I'm not picking that up for you." Moxxie declared.

"Hrmph" was all Blitzo had to say to that, eyes still fixed at the Screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh dear, Stolas found out about the book :O  
> (honestly, was about time)


	25. call me maybe

The snake looked up to the big mismatched Hotel. There were run-down oriels and balconies sticking out at the most random places, and even a cruise ship attached on its side??? 

The glowing letters atop the ramshackle building claimed it to be the " _Hazbin Hotel_ ". Wasn't the name supposed to be Happy Hotel? Before Pentious could think too much about that, the stained glass front door opened.

"Hello and welcome to the Happy Hotel!" Charlie, the doll-like looking daughter of Lucifer, greeted him with a big smile.

"Good day to you, Miss. Say, is Angel Dust here?" he asked the Demon Princess gingerly.

"He is, come in!" she cheerily invited him, grabbing the snake and dragging him along.

She led him through a few dusty halls that were currently being energetically swept by a small red haired demon, chanting 'nope, nope nope' all over the place. They reached a bar that looked like it didn't belong to the place.

"Just wait here, I'll fetch him for you." Charlie said, and went jogging up the stairs.

Sir Pentious used the meantime to look around the place. He still didn't know what this weird hotel was for. His eyes got stuck on a familiar red haired overlord holding a microphone.

"YOU!" the snake shouted, deeply offended and pointing at Alastor. The radio demon, who had been sitting at the bar and chatting with Husk, turned around.

"Do I know you?" he asked with his buzzing voice, seeming to genuinely not know who the Victorian was.

The snake was just about to begin monologuing, when the Demon Princess led Angel Dust down the stairs. Him, and his gal pal Cherri Bomb following him.

"Damn Penty, are you stalking me?" the spider grinned widely, walking up to the snake.

"The imp told me about this place." Sir Pentious disclosed. 

Angel raised up his eyebrows "Guess I owe him a solid" he said, before boldly sneaking his arm around the Victorians waist, pulling him closer. "Missed ya" he whispered at the snake, who was getting mighty flustered.

"So it's really true that you're all chummy with that victorian dick now?" Cherri asked, mustering Pentious up and down. The Cyclops shook her head and grinned "Who would have thought" she chuckled.

Pentious looked at her, then back at Angel on his side, seeming like he wanted to say something. He turned back to the Lady. 

"Miss Bomb, i would like to apologize for-"

"Whatever it is, just shut up. And you can call me Cherri now, old man" she said, bumping his shoulder friendly. The snake was a bit confused, but appreciated the gesture. Seemed he had been accepted into the cool kidz club now.

"So what exactly do you do here?" the Victorian asked Charlie. The princess of hell seemed to glow, before she took a deep breath and broke out into song.

**********************************

Their hit today had taken longer than expected. As it turned out, some humans were very good at hiding quietly. They had searched through the woods for that damned bitch for over 9 hours, before finally chopping off her head with an axe.

The boss was packing up his stuff now, ready to return home after a long night. His employees had already left. 

Blitzo used the opportunity to check his safe, filled with all the things he'd stolen from Millie and Moxxie. 

Ah, there was the crown piece, the mug with their wedding photo on it. Blitzo stared at it admirably, proud at the little doodle of himself he had added with sharpie. 

Suddenly, there was a bright glow.

With a whoosh, a portal opened. Right in the middle of his fucking office.

Caught off guard, the imp dropped the coffee mug and went to hide under the table. He heard long legs step out, and talons clicking on the cheap laminat. Yeah, who else could it be.

"Blitzo, get out from that table, I know you're here." Stolas' booming voice demanded. The tall goetic prince stepped up to the massive desk, halting in front of it.

"H-hey, Stolas" the imp greeted the prince nonchalantly, climbing up from his hiding place under the table, like it was a normal everyday thing to do. "Crazy meeting you here" he said, nervously rubbing his neck.

"Cut it out, I know you have my grimoire" the Prince demanded, a slight red aura looming around him. He held the imp in place with his gaze alone.

Oh no. Shit. This was the moment Blitzo had hoped would never come. For fucks sake, he hadn't even been back for a week. Seemed his plan hadn't been that foolproof after all. 

For just being found out, and for stealing from one of the most powerful beings in hell, he felt oddly calm right now. Time to do some damage control.

The imp took a deep breath, and dropped his act.

"Look, you can have the damn thing back ok?! Just promise you won't hurt Loony or the others. That shit was all my idea." he said, eyes cast downwards and not looking at the Owl. The prince was quiet, though the threatening aura had disappeared.

"You can do whatever you want with me, just leave my family out of it." Blitzo said as he went to the cabinet they had locked the book in. He turned the key and opened the drawer. 

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have led you on like that" he continued, taking out the grimoire. Time to say goodbye to his precious illegal acquisition.

"But just to be clear, I would do it again in a heartbeat!" he declared, holding the stupid book that'd given him so much trouble out to the Prince. Stolas ogled it for a moment, before shaking his head.

"Keep it." he said, determined. 

"What?" the imp asked in disbelief. Had he misheard the Royal?

"You can keep it for your little company. I just wanted you to admit to what you did" the Owl declared. Confused, the imp looked up at the bird. 

"So you're just letting me keep it? Bullshit!" he said, feeling angry and confused.

"I've thought about it, and you can have it. I might have to borrow it back occasionally, but I'm sure that won't be a problem." the bird stated, mustering Blitzo as his beak grew into a small smile. Shit, the royal bastard was actually being serious.

"So you'll let me have it? Just like that? No strings attached?" the imp asked once more, intensely staring at the bird. No way in hell that privileged asshole would just let him keep something worth that much.

"That was an amazing heist you pulled off Blitzy, what can I say?" Stolas said, shrugging nonchalantly. 

"Besides, I can't seem to say no to such a hot handsome fellow as you" he flirted, actually giving the smaller demon a wink.

The imp stared at him for a while. "You are unbelievable, you horny bird." Blitzo stated, clutching the book as if afraid to let go.

"You are very lucky that I like you" the prince said, sighing as he went back to the portal. Then he abruptly turned around, as if he'd forgotten something.

"One more thing" he said, holding up two fingers with a note in between them, one foot already back through the flaming gate.

"Yeah?" Blitzo asked, wondering if there was a but after all.

"In case you were not just faking everything, give me a call" Stolas said, handing the imp the piece of paper and looking at him for a few moments, with an intense gaze. 

Holding steady under the Owls scrutinizing red eyes, the imp silently took the scrap. They looked at each other for a few more moments, before the bird turned back to the Portal. His Royal Highness waved one last time to the imp, as the flames closed around him.

Blitzo stood in the now dark office, still wondering about what the fuck had just happened. He inspected the paper from Stolas.

The little note had the message "make sure to call before the finale!", as well as the Prince's number on it, with lots of little hearts doodled all around the paper.

Pah, as if the imp was ever gonna call that prick. Not a chance in hell. Now that he had the grimoire for himself, he had everything he'd ever wanted!

Yep! Definitely no need to keep in touch with that stupid privileged asshole!

He placed the note safely away in his coat pocket, though, just in case…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Blitz going to call?
> 
> Well, guess you're gonna find out next chapter, cuz it's gonne be the Helluva Bachelor finale!!!!!!!


	26. finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooohhhh here we go!!!!

"Hello Fuckers! Tonights the night you've all been waiting for.” Vox yelled into the camera, enthusiastic as ever. "Our Royal Prince is finally making his decision. Will it be the noble, well dressed Wilhelm Von Eldritch, owner of one of hells most famous fashion labels? Or will he pick the cannibal, and well trained softie, Clyde the tall lynx? There's still time to place your bets, so go out there and Spend! Your! Money!!!" 

Blitzo rolled his eyes and took a swig of his drink. He and his work family were watching the finale from their favourite bar in imp city. The place was packed today, most of the customers watching the TV show in unison. Some even had the gall to ask Blitzo for a signature on their horrible Helluva Bachelor shirts. The imp would be glad once this entire ordeal was over, because they'd finally stop producing this ridiculous merch.

Hell was surely going crazy about the dumb show. Betting pools all over the nine circles were filled to the brim. Even Angel had called earlier, saying they had set up a big stream of the finale at that dumb happy hotel he and Pentious were currently staying at. Seemed all of hell was tuning in tonight.

The IMP Crew watched on the small flickering screen above the Bar, as Prince Stolas stepped up to his suitors. 

The three of them were standing on the black sand of the Burned Beach resort, the big sky pentagram just setting down like a sunset behind them. Quite the different setting from the mansions stairs. 

Clyde and Quentin were super fashionable today, looking their best for the grand finale.

Stolas spread his arms, completely dressed in white for the occasion, a stark contrast to the dark beach, with the red, blood like water lapping at his feet beneath. "We have been through an incredible journey together. I am so thankful to the both of you for being here today." he began, beaming at his suitors.

"Our time here was tremendously enjoyable, and I hope each of you will treasure and remember this experience fondly, despite my decision for today." The Prince elaborately declared, stepping closer to the final two candidates.

"Wilhelm!" he said, turning to the grinch first. "You understand me very well, and the two of us have a lot in common. It's been a pleasure getting to know you for all these weeks, and I'll never forget the moment we finally made it out of that escape room" the bird finished, smiling at the other noble. Von Eldritch nodded agreeingly, followed by a smug grin.

"Indeed, it was a most joyful experience when we finally figured out the key was actually in that pepper the entire time" he laughed. 

"Only took us two hours longer." Stolas chuckled. Then he turned towards the Lynx.

"Clyde, you have a very dear and emotional side to you that I like very much." he stated to the tall buff cannibal, who was currently trying to not break out in tears. 

"Thank you" the big cat sniffed.

"I adore how open and kind to others you are, my dear" the Prince said, softly smiling at the large demon. Then he turned back around.

"As things currently stand, I can only pick one, as you two well know. But please remember, no matter my choice, I hold the two of you dear in my heart" the Royal said gently. Then he made a little pause, taking a deep breath.

He crossed his arms behind his back. This was it, no turning back now.

The Prince focused his attention towards the lynx.

"Clyde," he began, eyes fixated on the cat.

"Yes?" the other answered, hopefully.

"You are not my choice today." Stolas said, sinking his head. "I am sorry."

"Oh" the cannibal sniffled, rubbing over his furry face with his hands as the tears began to flow."O-Okay" he sobbed. 

Slowly, Stolas walked up to him and gave the big cat a hug. "You'll find someone that is worth your time, my dear, I'm sure of it" he told the sniffling sad lump. When he let go, Clyde nodded slowly and wiped away his tears.

"Th- thank you for the g-good times" he sniffled and hurriedly walked away, back to the resort, still crying his eyeballs out.

Stolas then turned his attention to Wilhelm, the last remaining candidate. Von Eldritch was smiling brightly, now that it was obvious he was the Prince's final choice.

"Wilhelm" the Owl turned the word towards the white haired noble, smiling. "As I said before you understand me very well. We come from similar backgrounds and have the same lifestyle." he said, walking closer to Von Eldritch. 

"You are charming, good looking and not to mention filthy rich." Stolas snickered, now standing in front of him.

Wilhem also chuckled at the little quib. "Not as bad off yourself" he answered, leaning in closer to the owl's face. 

"True my dear" the owl smiled, intensely looking at the other.

"One might as well say you're the whole package" the prince said, also leaning a bit closer.

"You've chosen well" Wilhelm smiled, closing his eyes and going in for a kiss.

Instead of the Owl's beak though, he was met with the Prince's raised finger, stopping his pursed green lips mid track.

Confused, the grinch opened his eyes again.

"You didn't let me finish, dear" Stolas said, raising his eyebrows at the other.

Wilhem watched, as the Prince slowly traveled his hand down, stopping right above the others chest.

"As I said, basically, you are the perfect choice" the Owl said, with von Eldritch once again smiling brightly at his words. 

Then, suddenly and without warning, the Prince grabbed the feather stuck in the grinch's suit and pulled it out.

"But I'm afraid you are not my choice today, either" the bird finished. 

Wilhem had a few seconds to look confused, before a portal opened up beneath him and he fell straight through. Stolas looked down the hole in which the last one of his suitors had disappeared.

In the bar where the IMP crew was watching, there were some audible gasps.

"THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO, STOLAS?!!!!" Vox yelled from the off.

"Don't worry, he's fine." The prince said, waving his hand with the feather in it around. "I've sent him back to his family." he reassured the TV.

"So that's it now!? You're not picking anyone?" the angry Show Host inquired. 

Stolas pinched between his eyes. "I wasn't done yet, will you let me finish talking please?" he groaned. He waited a few seconds, but Vox was quiet now. 

"Thank you" he stated, then turned to directly look at the camera

"You at home might be wondering what I am doing. Allow me to explain." he began.

"I've been living in this godforsaken hellscape for over 6000 years now. In all those years, my life has become rather dull and boring. Royal duties, representing the elite, holding up a dumb overrated old standard. The same crap day in and out. Honestly I'm sick of it." the Prince ranted.

"For a long time, I thought that's all there is to it. Recently though, someone has opened my eyes. That things can be different. That you don't have to listen to what others say. That you can just do whatever you want." Stolas made a short pause, taking a deep breath.

"I've made my choice" the Prince declared, winking into the camera. That was the cue.

Blitzo turned around and grinned at his crew. "Smell ya later guys" he waved.

"Wha-" Moxxie began, but before he could finish, a portal had opened up and swallowed his boss. The bar chair was now empty, just a bit of ash left on it. Fearing for the worst, the little imp returned his attention to the flickering screen.

With a snap from Stolas, a new portal had opened up on the black sandy beach. The Prince leaned inside the ring of flames. Few moments later, he led out Blitzo, both of them hand in hand.

The bar was dead quiet at this point.

The Owl held up the feather he'd taken away from Wilhelm earlier. He tucked it safely into the imps coat, smiling down brightly at the smaller demon. 

Then Blitzo turned towards the camera with the biggest, smuggest, widest yellow toothed grin ever.

"Bet you fuckers didn't expect this!" he said to the audience, before swooping down his prince and sealing the deal with a kiss.

~~~

The entire bar went up in a loud explosion of cheers, hooting and yelling. Moxxie stared at the screen in disbelief, watching his boss make out with one of hells most powerful demons. One that they had stolen from.

"How- "When- "WHAT!" he screamed, both hands on his horns in despair, a cocktail of emotions bubbling up inside him. After babbling for a while, like a fish on land, He turned around to Loona and Millie, looking for answers. 

The hellhound was recording him with her phone. Next to her, his wife was snickering into her hand.

"How can you be so calm! WE'RE DOOMED!" the little imp shouted, close to fainting.

"Relax Sweetie" Millie said, putting a hand on her husband's shoulder, patting it. The little imp hyperventilated instead. 

"It's all good, the prince knows about the book" Millie clarified, chuckling. 

"Yeah, calm down you drama queen. Blitzo told us yesterday, but he also wanted to see your reaction" Loona stated, still filming the little imp.

"Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me" Moxxie groaned, and slammed his head onto the bar counter, while the party around him continued.

~~~

"Stolas you can't be serious" Vox said, after the prince and the imp had finally finished their make out session. It had lasted quite a while, with the sand getting literally everywhere. The pentagram had sat down by now, and the sky had turned to a deep wine red.

"Why that frown Vox?" His highness grinned, currently up in seventh heaven. "Turns out your show was a really good idea!" Stolas said, shamelessly caressing the imps horns.

"Yeah square face" Blitzo joined in, openly enjoying the owl's attention. Finally he had the upper hand against the dumb TV. "Good job you dumbass!" he said, grinning at their stupid Show Host.

"Well uh... Congrats... I guess...?" Vox stuttered, staring at the odd pair currently cuddling in the sand and slowly tried to accept his giant fuck up. Never ever could the TV have imagined his little show project was going to end like this.

"Thank you so much old friend!" Stolas said happily. Then the Prince turned his gaze back to his Blitzy. "Shall we?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows eagerly. 

"Let's fucking go, you privileged asshole" the imp cheerily agreed. With a snap, both of them disappeared through a portal.

"Oh fuck, Lucifer is going to rip me a new one for this" the TV muttered, scratching his fingers along his screen and leaving marks. He'd have to hide at Vals for at least a few months, maybe years, till all of this blew over. 

"Satan damn it, never should've picked that fucking imp!" he cursed, stomping away and tripping over a camera cable.

  
The final episode of _Helluva Bachelor_ ended up being the second most watched thing on Voxflix, right after the botched Game of Bones finale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand thats it! Helluva Bachelor is over 😭
> 
> Theres gonna be a little epilogue next chapter, but the fic is basically done now!
> 
> I had so much fun writing and drawing this one!!!! This started as a super self indulgent thing, but i'm glad that so many of you loved it as well 😄
> 
> I want to thank you all for your lovely comments, it was such a joy to read all of them and see your ideas, suggestions and random thoughts!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> If you enjoyed my shitty first time fanfiction writing, i'd love to have a final comment from everyone! ;)
> 
> ~Stolitz is love, Stolitz is life~


	27. wayyyy too cheesy epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to ignore this chapter if you have your own headcanons for what happened after the story! (if you do pls let me know, i am curious!)

Blitzo rarely accompanied his royal Highness to social events, but when he did, he made sure to piss off as many of the privileged fucks there as possible. He'd already managed to get banned from entry at Lucifers. The king of hell couldn't stand the small chaotic demon. But in the end he had begrudgingly accepted Stolas decision, though he still glared daggers at the imp at any given opportunity.

Also, Vox had recently come out of hiding, bickering about with his part time boyfriend Valentino as if nothing ever happened. It seemed those two could neither be together nor apart. The TV had also announced there wouldn't be any more dating shows on VoxTV in the foreseeable future.

Clyde had been offered a permanent part in Jeffrey Dahmer's cooking show, where he was able to live out his culinary dreams to the fullest. 

Wilhelm, after the shameful end of the _Helluva Bachelor_ , had decided to fire all of his imp workers out of spite. A few weeks later he had to rehire them with a raise though, since no one else wanted to work for that smug grinch. 

Damien was using his increased popularity to do escort jobs, which he had a natural talent for. The Incubus rejected multiple job offers from Valentino. 

Victor had started a blog, writing long and boring reviews about books and TV shows. He still had that yellow tint to his feathers.

Quentin and Charles, after getting drunk and smashing some windows at Stolas castle during the mask ball, had started dating. They were a true pair of assholes. 

Finn had opened his own minigolf course, and it was a rather successful one, since the offer was one free bag of high quality drugs for every hole-in-one. It quickly grew into the most popular golfing place in hell.

In the meantime, Angel was really enjoying his time at the hotel, having found new friends there. Even the snake Sir Pentious had decided to join the useless project, hoping for a chance at redemption. So far, no one in the hotel had managed to make it to heaven.

During the past year, Loona and Via had actually become pretty good friends, with the bird calling the hellhound an older sister. It would be adorable, if not for the chaos the two managed to cause frequently. Somehow they had managed to piss off the entire west side of the pentagram last month, after Loona had shown the Princess how to make a molotov cocktail.

Things with the IMP company had also been going pretty well. Being the only assassins in hell offering murders in the living world had done wonders for their numbers. Though Moxxie still kept bitching about unnecessary spending rather frequently, which Blitzo artfully ignored.

~~~

But now, it was time to focus on their anniversary date. It had been exactly one year since the memorable finale of Helluva Bachelor.

Stolas stepped through the portal out into the long grass, wearing a _#TeamBlitzo_ shirt beneath his royal coat.

"Hold up, when did you get that fucking thing?" the imp asked.

"Vox sent me one as a birthday present, they had a few left over from last year." the bird explained, sitting down in the grass next to his boyfriend. He took Blitzo's hand in his, and the imp leaned onto the owl's side.

"So glad I finally get to show you this place" Stolas said, waving his hand around the hilltop they were on. It was night on earth, and the only light came from the moon and stars shining down brightly. A few crickets chirped in the distance, otherwise everything was quiet and peaceful.

"Educate me, then, you bastard" the imp said, looking up at his dumb horny bird lover.

"There's a lot of shooting stars this time of the year" the prince said, pointing up. "If you get to see one, you can make a wish." he explained. "Don't say it out loud though, then it won't come true."

"And you actually believe that shit works?“ Blitz asked, doubtful.

"Just try" the owl insisted.

~~~

They looked up at the dark sky for a while, enjoying the cool night air while cuddling. The warm tranquil summer night was such a harsh contrast to the overcrowded streets of hell. Stolas almost napped away, head resting comfortably on his boyfriend's horns.

Suddenly Blitzo jerked up his hand.

"Is that one?!" he asked excitedly, pointing at a bright moving dot in the pitch black sky.

"I'm afraid that's an airplane." Stolas said, after noticing the small, red blinking light.

"Whatever, imma make a wish anyways" the imp declared, determined. Stolas chuckled, rubbing his hand along the imps arm.

Blitzo was quiet for a few moments, before he looked up at the prince with his big yellow eyes, which were glowing slightly in the dark.

"Have you eaten any Stinky Cheezys in the last 48 hours?“ he asked his privileged boyfriend.

"No" the Owl answered truthfully.

"So my wish worked!“ Blitzo exclaimed, grinning brightly. Then he closed his arms around the bird's neck. “Come here you idiot" he said, pulling him down into the tall grass.

They lazily kissed, all the stars forgotten for the moment. As usual with their encounters, things turned saucy rather quickly. They'd started undressing, and Stolas hastily tossed away his coat, not noticing the small thing that fell out of its pocket. 

It rolled for a bit, before stopping and falling onto its side, right in front of Blitzo. The imp stared at the golden ring, frozen in place.

"What's wrong Blitzy? Why did you stop?" The owl murmured into his boyfriend's neck, before leaning back. He followed the shocked imps gaze, and took in a sharp breath when he saw the ring lying down in the flat pressed grass.

"Oh dear! That was supposed to be for later" he stated, quickly picking it back up. 

He turned back to smile at Blitzo.

"Well now that the cat is out of the bag, What do you say Blitzy? Want to help me with not being a Bachelor any longer?“ he asked, holding out the ring and expectantly waiting for an answer from his favourite little demon.

  
  


The imp looked up from the ring to Stolas face, and then back down again at the piece of jewelry. It wasn't as posh as anything he would have expected from the prince, just a simple golden band. Apparently the dumb bird had remembered that Blitzo didn't care much for flashy displays of affection. 

Still silent, the imp took the ring out of Stolas hands, giving it a once over. 

He looked up to the Prince and smiled widely. Then he yeeted the piece of jewelry over his shoulder, far far away into the bushes down the hill.

"Oh" the Owl said, looking after where it had disappeared in the dark. He sank his head with a little sigh. "It's a No then, I suppose?" he asked the imp.

Blitzo still had a big grin on his face. "Depends " was all he said, staring at his dumb tall lover.

At this point, Stolas was simply confused. It would be fine if Blitzy wasn't ready yet, but he didn't know what to make of this reaction. 

"Would you care to elaborate?“ he asked his little imp.

Blitzo went roaming about in his coat pocket, before triumphantly pulling out a small box. Stolas eyes went wide at the sight.

"You see, I saved my money for two fucking months, just to buy this stupid thing. Cuz that's like, what you're supposed to do or whatever." the imp explained, disappointedly shaking his head. 

"And then you asshole try to propose first. Un-be-lievable!" he glared up at the bird. 

"Here, you better appreciate it!" Blitzo declared, opening the box to reveal a slim silver ring. He gave Stolas his best yellow toothed grin. 

"So, you horny bastard, Yes or No?“

The Owl let out a very high pitched squeak, before promptly shooting forward and hugging the imp tightly. Blitzo wrapped his arms around his dumb privileged prince as well.

"Guess that's a yes." he smiled into a feathered shoulder.

~~~the end~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright folks, thats it!  
> Once again, thanks so much for all your comments!
> 
> Probably not going to write anything else unless inspiration strikes, so best to not get our hopes up!
> 
> Stay safe and healthy during these current shitty times! ❤️
> 
> xoxo mlavier 😘


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